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This started as a response to another about taking the bait, but I figured out I really have a question.Is it part of the disease for my AH to keep me out of the loop on things regarding the family, then refuse to honor my wishes on them.I feel so left out of things that I should know about in our marriage, but I swear he is keeping things from me on purpose, and not listening to my wishes.I have told him adamantly not to do something in regard to family finances (our rental house that I want to sell so we can get a divorce or separation).I told him this and he just pursued getting another renter in there.Is that part of the disease that they cant see anyone elses wishes as relevant?Or is it that they just want to make us mad and prove they dont have to follow our wishes. How much of this is the disease?
Maybe he doesn't want the divorce or separation out of fear of loss, being alone or love for you. If he does what you want, he might have to face something he is not ready for. That non compliance might not have anything to do with you or trying to irritate you. Maybe it is self preservation.
How much is disease? For me I say most things are caused by the distorted perceptions the disease creates. I can't determine all the time what is caused by disease or not, but either way, some things are acceptable to me and some are not.
Maybe his thinking is if he has a renter in there it stalls/puts off the divorce/separation? Just my initial reaction.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I don't know how much is the disease, but my exAH did that as well. He would tell me only a portion of something and I'd think I had all the info - and then find out later that really important details were missing. We owned a business together and talked about opening a location in another city. I told him that I didn't think we should open a new location at that particular point for financial reasons, and found out a month later that he'd leased building space and and a new location was up and running. My exAH seemed to really enjoy feeling like he "got away" with something by either omitting very relevant facts or just failing to mention something altogether. I saw him do it to other people too, it wasn't just me.
I don't know if stuff like this is really so much an alcoholic thing as it is just a personality thing in general. My AH now and mom are also alcoholics, and neither of them do the "salami theory" as I call it - giving one slice of info at a time. Neither of them take joy in lying by omission or not at least taking my feelings about joint matters into account. By the same token, I know some people that are NOT alcoholics that also do this.
Just my .02. I totally relate to your post...been there and done that.
Active alcoholics are going to have a whole host of character defects... This personality pattern and overall selfishness would be a likely one. I don't think it is so much due directly to the effects of alcoholism as much as it is an indirect effect of being drunk so much and not being able to identify with or empathize with the normative experiences of others as a result.
wow, thanks so much for the imput. I think that his perception of things is just off. I think it has always been different from mine, but it has gotten much more unrealistic with the drinking and age. I think he ignores things he doesn't want to face or just disregards my comments thinking I'll change my mind. Thus, nothing ever changes unless I force it and be the bad guy.
That sounded extremely passive agressive on his part to do that, if he just pretends he didn't hear you then maybe it will all go away.
I watched some of that behavior with my AH with the DUI. If he didn't call the lawyer it wasn't his fault he didn't know what was going on. If he didn't watch the video the cops had of him he didn't have to admit how drunk he was that night. If he told everyone a lie about what happened he didn't have to deal with the fact it was a DUI.
Reality and the delsions they build upon will smack them in the head at some point. Until he is served with papers .. (I'm not saying that's what you need to do) he may really be in that kind of delusion about what's going on.
Hugs so sorry you are dealing with more frustration, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Umm, this reminds me of my AH whom I consider completely passive aggressive. I think his PA behavior is just part of his personality as a whole. He was like this when he was sober, too, so I couldn't blame alcohol. It was just who he was. He has a lot of anger issues and he himself has said that he lives in self preservation mode because of trauma during childhood. So, I think the alcohol is usually just the icing on the cake and there's a lot of layers to that cake. Depression, passive aggressive behavior, narcissist behaviors and attitudes, etc can all be part of a person's personality and contribute to their inability to control their intake of alcohol. Throw in genetic predispositions and you could have quite a mess on your hands. I'm sorry that he's not being easy to work with, have you tried just asking him why he's being difficult?
I have asked what is going on, but I always get more PA talk such as I'm not going to fight with you and then he'll either shut down or leave. As I look back, I see he has ALWAYS been Passive Agressive even when he wasn't drinking too much. I just put up with it for a long time and now I'm not. I think I have to just protect myself as far as my finances and health go. I can't force my will on him and as I have said before, I have not felt that we had a partnership for a long long time and I have told him so. He is so unwilling to change that he won't even sit down and do a budget with me. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
Sucha thread!! It caused me to visit lots of feeling and reactions and identify with what is going on in my own life today and with relationship I have with others including my wife.
I am reminded of a question I had when I first got into Al-Anon, "Why can't the world just revolved the way I want it to?" "It would be soooo much easier!!" I was directed to the question then "What is my part in it?" and I balked...God I didn't want to do that because then things wouldn't (I thought) be more easily at all. Searching for answers outside of myself is soooo much easier than looking inside and learning new tools such as acceptance and giving grace to people, places and things that didn't stand up to my expectations.
For balance when I am inspecting expectations of others I must also inspect expectations of myself. That's balance I was taught.
At my morning meeting I listened to 3 old timers who have less time than I who retaught me about learning to be and accepting responsibility...my own and all of a sudden I felt like the new comer again sitting in a first meeting asking the question "Wow who the hell are these people and what are they talking about and how did they learn to be so smart and well put together?"
I learned the answer to the question of noncompliance by taking my own inventory and then I discovered the very near relationship I had to my alcoholic/addict spouse and many other people in my life. Keeping recovery simple for me is often looking inside and at me for answers to the question, "Why do they do what they do?"
