Hugs CU,

I would suggest if you haven't already read the book Co Dependent No More, Melodie Beattie, it has really helped me in a lot of ways to get more detached from my own situation however I think it's a healthier detachment. I can see where my responsibilities are, what my part is and was. I could look at the disease and not see my AH doing things TO me. Cheating is a whole other ball of wax and it hurts on many levels. I guess I also stopped giving my power away, meaning, my feelings no longer define what kind of day I'm going to have, it's not to say I don't get angry, or frustrated, whatever and I'm a robot. I can experience feelings without having to stay there because they are neither right or wrong they just are.

It's going to take time to heal after this relationship. You will figure out what you want as far as down the line, do you want to do the friends thing.

It's def time to focus on yourself and get yourself healthy vs being stuck in the pain of chaos. I'm so glad to read that you are making positive choices in attending meetings they do make a big difference. Please keep coming back and welcome to the forum lots of great people here on the site. It's a wonderful tool to use with the meetings.

Hugs P :)

It's a great book and I have to say it's the second time I've read it and probably will not be the last. I meant to add in my last post I encourage you do to the exercises they are a terrific help in dealing with things. It's something you can work with your counselor on and do. The focus is you not everything else around you.

The very first time I came to alanon I thought ok .. I'm in and out I do not want to do the long haul in this, ohh I was in and out and didn't learn much. Something I discovered after dragging myself into alanon for the third time, (I'm a slow learner .. lol .. two trips before and this last one were years a part), is that alanon is not designed to be a sprint to the finish line. It's a marathon with no end, that statement is not meant to be disheartening it's meant to say we are always a work in progress. The finial destination (sorry morbid though it is what it is) is death and that is the finish line truly. Who knows after that I only know for sure if I have to come back for another go around I do not want to come back and do these lessons again, I want to start where I left off.

Take your time, heal properly and you will find power within yourself you never knew existed. :)

Good morning : )  Being alone.... Just give yourself time...you were together for a year and half...got dependent, ill you said....the strength to be alone will not come in a day (but oh how we wish!!! lol)....so relearn some things about yourself - what makes you feel good...what you like, gardening, reading, hiking etc....focus on you and how you want your day to go, one at a time.  It's hard... so I feel for you.  But your so worth it in the end.  Another thing that I believe is true and many people have said to me....

"I'm just stuck I want him to disappear"   They always come back.....keep that in mind when you say he sucks you back in.....maybe he is trying...maybe he is not....going to AA doesn't mean he is truly in his program...but that is HIS to worry about....you take care of yourself...find out what it is you need, what you deserve and want....  Good things will then follow....

Take care

Yes, for me it was normal to be angry when I arrived here and in the face to face rooms of Alanon.  I wasnt the one with the problem.  Why did I have to go?  Now I realize that I too had been affected by a loved ones alcoholism.  Anger for me today just masks for fear.  I was afraid of the future, I was sick with worry from the past, and I had no idea when the next shoe was going to drop today.   I lived in fear and did not know how to break the cycle. 

Working with a face to face sponsor in Alanon taught me how to live and showed me how.  Glad you are here, keep coming back

Tommye 

Yes of course it's normal to feel that way, the question is what are you going to do about it? I hope you have or will do as Tommy suggested and find a sponsor. It makes such a huge difference.

When you start to heal, the "why me" turns into what is my responsibility, what was my part in the situation and like it or not we all play a part in our given situations. We have free will, we decide, we choose and we continue to choose our reactions to situations. We have our own responsibility. Alanon is (at least to me) life long tools for learning and coping with all different kinds of situations. The other thing do you believe that alcoholism is a disease? When I could see my AH not doing things TO me, that's when I could stop and look at the situation in a different perspective. I'm not dismissing the fact that the lying and all of that doesn't leave marks it does. The A's are sick, however they are still ultimately responsible for their actions. They have to come to terms with that, we are not judge and jury and it's not on our timeline. They are accountable to themselves and eventually to their loved ones, especially if they are in recovery. These are things that you will have to work out for yourself it won't matter what other people say because it's your program.

Last year my AH wound up with a DUI, well this weekend will be a year ago to the day. I was so angry (aspects still frustrate me however ehe, it is what it is, sorry I say that a lot, what am I going to do? It's not going to change it, I can't make it go away. I wish .. lol). As much of a drain that DUI has been emotionally, financially, I can honestly say it saved my marriage and it brought me to alanon (the DUI even saved me). I can say with gratitude it was a blessing. My AH did not hurt himself or anyone else, I am grateful (extremely so) for that fact. Now .. asked me that this time last year .. ohhhh nelly, when I found out about the DUI .. ohhh whole other story, angry doesn't even qualify what emotions I felt in the moment. Rage, fury, tears, screaming doesn't range, and normally I'm not a yeller .. wow was I ever, oh my, it was a whole other lifetime ago. Again I have moments, where I think really? Why am I or the kids paying for his actions (collateral damage)? Here I am a whole lot better than I was a year ago. I would not be happy to have a repeast, today, I know how I would conduct myself in that moment. I don't regret at all how I handled myself over this past year because it's exactly where I needed to be, maybe I didn't do the best things for myself, it's progress not perfection. We are all exactly where we need to be in order to heal.

Please keep coming back because you are sooo worth the work. It is work and no one is going to tell you what to do. We can suggest, support and be available to listen just know you are so not alone in any of this. I can totally testify based upon where I was a year ago to where I am today, my life has a much better quality to it, my focus is not on my AH it's on me where it belongs.

Hugs P :)

I just want to say that I do NOT blame him. Sometimes in fits of rages and emotions that I have, I want to. I do think, why me? Why'd he do this? Why'd he make me sick? But I am the FIRST to admit that I made the decision to allow things to happen. I could've walked away a month into the relationship, but I didn't. I'm in individual counseling b/c there is something inside of me that attracts these guys and I want to figure it out and "fix" it. I said to him this weekend whenn I found out about the cheating I said, this healing is going to SUCK but I know I will come out stronger in the end.

When I've gone through previous break ups, the healing gets easier and easier, shorter and shorter. I used to not be able to eat/sleep, now I can. It's frustrating sometimes when thoughts like "what's wrong with me? what did I do to deserve this?"

But at the same time when i went to a meeting on Monday, I had GROWN women in their 40s coming up to me saying how they commend me for being so young and making the decision to walk away. I walked away from the relationship b/c I don't want to settle. I didn't want to marry him, have family, then cry alone in the bedroom saying, "what did I do to myself? I ruined my life..." and go through a divorce, etc.

I am reading the Codependency book and going to meetings. I will overcome this....I just wish I felt this strong 24/7 cause an hour ago I was so angry I was bawling my eyes out!

Thank you Linda :) I am PETRIFIED that I am going to continuously attract addicts! It's a subject that I'm going to discuss with my counselor at my next session. I just want to be in a NORMAL relationship when I'm ready. I see these cookie cutter couples and I'm like wow...why can't I have that?? Haha NOW! I'm so glad I found this message board! These issues aren't something I can call my gfs about because none of them have gone through it.

Still looking forward to that day where I take that deep breath and am like wow, I made it...

CUrbs83 wrote:

---

I am PETRIFIED that I am going to continuously attract addicts!  I just want to be in a NORMAL relationship when I'm ready. I see these cookie cutter couples and I'm like wow...why can't I have that?? Haha NOW!

---

 Are you sure you are not just following me around and typing what I am saying to myself?????

I too want NORMAL.  People say things like, normal is what you make it, normal just means healthy etc etc.  those statements don't feel right to me.  Statistically (for me here) I believe there is a normal.. there is a middle ground, there is a situation that is considered not UNnormal.  If there is a setting on a washing machine that is normal, then that means there are settings which are NOT normal.  Therefore qualifying the aformentioned 'normal'.  hahahaha... I say that lightheartedly.

It is through coming to these boards, and listening and reading and talking to a lady from Al Anon and ACoA that I have done so much soul searching I even looked under the couch for the answers!!!  People say normal is placing your boundaries and respecting them... I have no idea what normal boundaries are.  Are my boundaries fair, selfish, based in fear, based in remorse or guilt... I don't know.

Ok normal.. I think for a long time I thought normal meant perfect (of course I didn't know that at the time).  A man my parents would approve of, a man who loves me above all else, a nice house with a clean and tidy lawn, coming home every day and knowing what to expect out of the day, a job I kinda like, going on picnics, being 'calm' and feeling calm.  That is what I was searching for, it sounded normal to me.

Any deviation from that felt like 'not normal'.  Very recently I considered those points.  I had to actually sit down and think.. what do I think normal is????  If I want it so much.. lets define it.... I canvassed friends about thier relationships (I even put questions on facebook).  You know what.. everyone argues and every one has things theyhate bout their partners. 

I looked at my list.  My parents adore my husband.  My husband adores me.  I have a nice house and a big lawn with a spa and a boat and two cars and a motorbike, I come home every day and I know what mood my husband will be in.  I like my job.  We go on picnics. 

Why am I not calm?????  YOu know what isn't on my list for normal... me riding my husbands back about every little thing... that is not on mylist for normal, yet I do it???? like. heeeellllooooo

Oooohhhhhh..... I can't accept that I have a normal life.  I have never had one.  My parents don't know my partner smokes pot.  My husband loves pot just as much as he loves me.  My house needs alot of work, it is old, my lawn is half dead, I hate the boat and one of the cars because it takes him out fishing (and smoking pot).  I worry about picnics becasue he may want to get stoned.

I look at all the bad parts of my life adn make my life not normal because I can't accept that I have some kind of normalicy.  Ihave no idea if I am making sense here.  The common denominator in being not normal.. me and the pot.  What is making me not calm?  My attitude/baggage that I have, my non acceptance that I have a husband and a pot monster ( I try to separate them now). 

There may be a situation out there that is more normal waiting for me.  For now though, I have to work on myself to accept what normal is when it kicks me in the head next time.

I have no idea if what I said makes any sense at all... but it helped me to write it hahahaha.  I agree with you though.. I want to be normal, and a few times recently I actually think I may just be normal!!!!!!.