The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up in a family where the boundaries were all amiss. My elder sister was relegated to the parent role (I should say bully really because that's what she became). My parents could barely hold it all together on the most basic level of providing shelter, food and sustenance and there was no emotional support at all because they simply didn't have it. So the boundaries for everything were all blurred and interchangeable. Life was pure and utter chaos and that's all I knew my entire childhood because they just barely hung on from one to the next. They lived by denial, blame and making things up because their lives were utterly unbearable.
Therefore my idea of a "relationship" on any level was not realistic. I was idealistic, romantic (naive really there wasn't much time for romance in chaos) and I had no idea what maturity looked like, sounded like or even felt like. I grew up raw, hungry, angry and extremely lonely in that environment. Therefore I long long long ago learned to give up my needs in order to feel "needed", important and wanted. I had no idea what interdependence was. If someone was gong to leave me it felt like the world ended. Indeed when I was contemplating leaving the now ex A I felt absolutely suicidal at times.
After a bunch of time in al anon and a lot of wilingness to be available to change, things have changed for me. I know a red flag when I see one rather than be felled by them, I pick and choose rather than let someone else "choose" me. I am proactive rather than feel victimized all the time. I make conscious choices that aren't based on me losing everything in order to "prove" I'm worthy.
This week on the train I ran into one of my old co workers. I worked with her last year in retail. My former co worker worked two jobs, all day at one job than into the early hours at another job. At the time I thought it was a pretty big undertaking. Her son who's in his 20's was in school and there was never any word about him taking a job. She spoke all the time about the need to get him various Christmas presents and what a great kid he was. As I'm in Al anon of course I said little or nothing. I just observed and of course I compared .. because I know how to compare the little things rater than the "big" picture. A few months into this second job my former co worker got a beter day job and could quit the retail but nevertheless she made it through a very busy Christmas and put in a lot of hours in order to save some money. Byt the time she left she was worn out and really really tired and meantime she was packing to move (still no word on what her son did ...besides being "wonderful".
On some level I think I "bought" how wonderful her son was. I bought the idea and I didnt' really take into account the actions at all. I've always so loved the idea of a "great" relationship I have been willing to fudge out those details..... I learned how to do that as an abused child where fudging out the details was so crucial to survival.
So this week I was on the train on the way home and my former co worker is on the train with a big cast on her foot and she was obviously in a lot of pain. She updates me to the news that her son has now moved in the girlfriend (who wants to be a veterinarian) and she had commited to taking care of all of them through graduate school (they are now in community college) despite the fact she could hardly walk. ..and is in immense pain. Her foot was swollen like a football, she could barely stand up but she had to go to work in order to now not only take care of the son but his new girlfriend too!
That really kind of sums up much of what it was like for me with the ex A. He wanted and did eventually move in all his friends. He wanted the "idea" of a good relationship (all on his terms of course) and the idea of being waited on hand and foot. I was the person willing to do anything to keep up this "idea" of a relationship. Even when I'd split up from him I found myself in a place where I was paying all his bill and more. I only stopped paying the bills because people on this board kept challenging me on why I was doing it...and I also found a way to leave him somehow someway...emotionally as well as physically. And there was always more, fines galore, one new catastophe a day....Sometimes several in every day.
I had to revert from buying the "idea" of a relationship to the reality of the nightmare I was in and at some point I felt I deserved more than one long catastrophe after another. And our dogs (who he had ) deserved far better too. .
Of course as I'm in al anon I'm not about to say anything to my former co worker although for some reason there is something compelling about her situation to me (probably because its so familiar). This enmeshment stuff is all I've ever known. Adult roles, self sufficiency, holding people responsible was and is not something I know much about.
Of course through al anon I do have a better life than the one I did but its a hard one, to be accountable, accept life on life's terms and not be a victim 24/7 is not something I exactly relish doing. I no longer hand over everything to everyone else (apart from my dogs of course who are pampered and adored!) and I am willing to put the work in to get a better life rather than feel unworthy unless I'm half dead from helping everyone else but me.
Every day some one pops into my life to remind me that I'm moving along rather than regressing. I just have to be willing to see them for what they are, not try to "save" them, fix them or judge them. Then there is the gift of knowing I'm on a path to a better place rather than bemoaning my fate and wondering when I'm going to get the life I deserve I already have it and I got it on my own two feet. Today I'm grateful I can walk and talk the program rather than try to live out a fantasy that's so toxic it'll kill me. .
Wow Marsie, that blew me away, I have been thinking lately how long it has taken me to mature, and thought if I only knew then what I know now, but of course how can we know, people have put me down alot in my life because I allowed them too, they all told me what I should do, and I would look at thier lives and wonder why I couldn't have what they had, and then my life took a twist of fete, ok I married an alchoholic, and I thank sinecerily the people that come here and share on every level, my husband is still by my side after 30+ years, he works very hard, and he is making ammends to me, every minute in his actions, I can't pick the parts of other peoples lifes and apply them to my own just by picking the best bits, we are all so different in our makeup, there is a depth and kindness to alanon peeps and aa, there just so very special, I think god put kindness into us for a reason, eventually when we show that kindness to ourselves, we turn it all on it's head, your amazing truly amazing, thankyou.
