The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting here as I have just recently come to the decision that I am enabling my ABF and cannot live with his behavior anymore. I know this is not an atypical situation, and while I feel really badly about the whole situation I know that this is what I need to do for myself, and hopefully, ultimately, to help him.
Here's my dilemna. We are in a committed relationship but live in my apartment. I told him he can't stay there any longer until he makes a decision and takes a definite step to get himself some kind of help. Whether that's calling a hotline, attending a meeting or going to a clinic, he needs to make the decision to do something or I feel like the only consequence that I can make him face is not to be able to live together anymore.
He doesn't have a lot of money, he is (at least for the moment) still employed, but he doesn't have a lot of options in terms of places to stay. I think he's using that as excuse and I'm not willing to back down, but for those of you who are married or in committed relationships, do you kick your spouse/partner out? What do you do?
Thanks for providing this space. It has really helped me stick to my resolve today.
I can not give you any advice I can only share what I have done. My partner has spells of sobreity. I decided thst as this was a family disease I could not live with active alcoholism I did not say this to make him get help it was a boundary to protect myself and children. He moved back in in may after 9 months sober and began to slip again so moved back out we are currently seperated I am focusing on my life and leaving him to his disease we chat sometimes I just say hope he can help himself as I am powerless. Today I know I have to do what is right for me and my recovery. Any decision I make is to take care of me not to change him. I still try and be loving and kind towards him but if he choooses to pick up the first drink then i move out of the way i will not enable this disease anymore I believe tough love is true love when relating to alcoholism. just what works for me take what you like xxxx
Hi Emily. Your definetly not alone. I'm kind of in the same situation. Unfortunately I have no advice either. I wish I did. I live with someone that has been sober a little over 3 weeks now. Which is great. Problem is, I still don't want to be with her. I haven't for a long time and I just can't make her leave. She has the same excuses. No job, says she cant work. Therefore no money. Says she has nowhere else to go. She goes to school everyday over 45 miles away. (Now that she's sober anyway, otherwise she missed alot of school) She uses my car I bought just so she could use it for school. I pay for gas, insurance, phone, food, her kids when there here. EVERYTHING! Why would she leave? Dose any of this sound familiar? Right before she got sober I dropped her off at her sisters house and just left. She's been sober since the day after that happened. I'm sure the big reason is she wants to be with me more than anything else in this whole world including more than being with her own kids. Just another reason on my end why I can't break her heart. So maybe if you tell him he's gotta leave and your serious about it. It will jostel something in his head and realize he better get sober. Who knows. If you want him out and your strong enough to do it. That's great. I know I can't do it. And that's why I'm here. So hopefully one day I can be strong enough to do it. Good luck with everything. Everyone keeps saying it's gonna get better. I hope there right.
Thanks for sharing. For now he's going to stay tonight and says he'll be out in the morning, that he has nowhere else to go. I've heard tonight all the excuses....I'm the terrible person, I'm heartless, please please please let me just have one night and then I'll be out of your life, I'll never drink again, you don't understand anything, etc.
I don't doubt that he feels all of this, which is what makes it so hard. I know intellectually it's not my fault, but it's still hard to throw someone out on the street, especially someone you love. All he has to do is make a phone call to get help, but of course that "won't work."
I can tell you I eventually left the ex A but before I left him I had years of resenting, arguing and not knowing what to do.
The tools of the program helped me. They helped me to stop focusing on his options and focus on my own. They helped me to stop looking at how difficult life was for him and work on how hard it was for me.
I made a plan be that was I suspended the "who is going to move and how" maxim for a while while I worked out what I needed if I did leave the ex A. What was going to be my contingency plans and how would I leave. I found ways to come up with the money to leave when I focused on the plan, when I wasn't focused on that and obsessing about the ex A that was all I did.
I'm glad you are here. Al a non can help a lot. Believe it or not its not so much about what they do but about what we do....I know that's hard to see and sound out but if we work a program problems resolve or become resolveable. They felt absolutely insurmountable for ever for me.
