The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We had been talking yesterday I believe about feeling overwhelmed by things in our life, trying to do it all with a flare for procrastination (A LARGE ONE .. lol), and I had a good lesson last night. LOL!
Anyway, I always joke and say, I'm a goddess, just not a domesticated one. Yes in my younger years, I should have just made sure we could afford a maid .. lol. Part of this is because when I was younger I grew up with a sense that was not normal. We lived overseas and having maids, yardboys, seamstress was part of the daily living where we were. Well, helloooo 4 - 10 years of age .. my persecptions of real world living was a tiny bit skewed and we jumped from living in that way, home to the states with just myself and a single mother who couldn't figure out how I didn't know how to do certain things, such as make a bed, make a peanut butter sandwhich for lunch. So I have always been domestically challenged, I keep expecting Tessie our maid to come out of the back room and she never shows. There is no excuse it just is, that's some of my background. Needless to say I struggle and feel overwhelmed by my failure.
Over the weekend I took a stark inventory of my house and I'm not proud of it. It's a mess. Something I decided was my house is just like me, everything is not going to get done in one setting. It's just not possible. Not only are there not enough hours in the day, I am only one person. My kids ironically have gotten the neat gene from their dad, thank goodness!! They still struggle and partly because I am responsible, so I have been trying to change a few things. Thankfully they keep their rooms picked up and that's terrible to say yes come to my house just stick to 3 rooms out of 8 .. lol.
Anyway, back to the weekend. I did work my tail off. My livingroom looks lovely if I don't say so myself . I still have further to go at least I feel like ok .. this is ONE room I could have people into and not die of embarrassment. The only problem is I have to beam them there .. lol .. and they are NOT allowed anywhere else. I watched my children with great curiosity. They are like little worker ants the way they cooperate. It's a gift to be able to work with others and not have to take the stance that one persons way is the right way. I do hear my daughter from time to time and I will correct her, just because her brother doesn't do it HER way doesn't make his way any less valid. She will allow him to continue on his way. Yes, she's right it does take him longer however he still gets it done.
So yesterday, I had worked longer on the laundry. It's a never ending mess at least I am almost completely through it, everyone has clean clothes and they are all folded and put away. I fold them the kids put their stuff away. I did another 5 loads. Living in the country for those who don't appreciate city water I'm hear to tell you being confined by ways of a well in a drought is so not fun. I do what I can and I have to be aware of how much water I am using or I will pull the well under. So laundry is not put a load in, put another in, run the dishwasher at the same time, run more water blah blah blah. I'm sure I've over rationalized my situation .. lol. Suffice to say domestically challenged AND well water .. it's like having two strikes already. I can feel a little defeated.
My AH comes home and I could tell he felt like I should have done more yesterday. I'm home much of the day and it's probably fair for him to think that because he works very hard he should come home to a clean house. Unfortunately, it doesn't come as easy to me. That doesn't mean I shouldn't get things done, it's just takes more effort on my part. Again .. this is my part of my own stuff. I own that.
He just couldn't help himself .. lol .. he had to say something. Our daughter mentioned some friends coming over and I'm all for that .. just not with our house looking like Irene pasted through it and we're in the middle of a natural disaster. I told her she could have her friends over it's Monday night and it wouldn't be until Saturday. I love her friends too so that's not an issue. There went my AH totally right where it hurts me the most because that IS a vurnerable point for me.
A-HA .. where things went different than normal. I was not defensive. I stated to him, he was right the house did need more work and I pointed out that Sunday I worked my hinney off and we were sitting in a very, very, very clean living room (he had acknowledged me Sunday) because of the effort I put out there. I had also done a lot of laundry, folded and put that away, while maintaining the parts of the house that were clean. I would appreciate that instead of feeling the need to minimize what I had accomplished he would accept the fact that I know the house is not up to standard of having people over I get that. I know what needs to be done. I have eyes and I'm not sitting there saying the house is clean and lets have a party.
I also know and I did not say this that he had to get his SCRAM read yesterday and he was nervous. He will never admit that, however I know, how do I know, when he's anxious he's got to tell me how to drive .. lol. Now I just laugh, before it would start something. I know to the marrow of my bones that was what he was trying to do .. if he deflected to the house he didn't have to deal with the anxiety he had been feeling about having his device read. I had heard a couple of comments about what would I do without him (he had to shuck hot corn by golly! He grilled last night.)
It's just so funny to me to watch him do this dance with himself especially when I've decided not to play. So today, I sit here a grateful member of alanon. Going that whole conversation could have gone up in smoke so fast and instead he sat with his own stuff instead of trying to drag me into it. I heard a couple little comments about how he was off Saturday so he'd spend his one day off cleaning (I laughed to myself, did a mental head shake). I chose not to "hear" him and didn't ask him to repeat himself. I also decided that it's just so not my issue. I have never been a domestic goddess. I wasn't when he married me and he married me anyway, just like I married him knowing there were addiction issues. I'm not saying I want my family living in filth. I will have to work harder than the domestic goddess's in the world and maybe at some point I will become better able to cope with the house. I never want to be a domestic goddess .. I like being just a goddess.
So today I continued on with my housework and am enjoying the fact that I still have a clean living room, folded clothes put away and I'm working to clean up my kitchen. All in all I feel pretty productive this week already. Progress not perfection!!
Hugs all P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Love your post and I can identify with trying to keep a clean house. I struggle in this area. Sounds like you are on your way. You've made great progress. Are you rewarding yourself? Housework is hard work. Whew! I have so much more to conquer in my house. My bedroom is one messy room. I allow no visitors into my bedroom. My house is always work in progress. I clean up one day and create more mess the next day. We all share tasks. Thank God. As long as we live in this house, there will be always be work and more work to be done. Love your maid story. Never had one. Yet, I can understand you. When I was growing up, my parents did everything. I took care of my room. I did not cook. Did not help around the house. Well, the world in which I live is much different. If I dont cook, I wont eat. I had to learn how to be a wife. It was through trial and error. Doing much better. Thanks for sharing and take care.
Good for you Pushka! Your attitude about the whole thing sounds great. I always try to remember when I'm doing housework that at least I am burning off some calories! LOL
And you know what? You ARE a goddess! Keep up the good work!
This share made me laugh. My classes started yesterday ... it will probably be January before I can truly clean my house again. My grades are more important but by October I will only allow people who TRULY understand my schedule to even look into the doorway LOL
A good friend told me years ago that my house was his favorite house to visit because when he walked in the door he saw LIFE. Dogs, cats, books, papers ... my antiques business everywhere in process of cleaning, researching, repairing ... you name it. He even liked the dustballs that seemed to be on conmstant vacation as they rolled around the house. So now when I am at my wits end and need to feel clean ... usually around Thanksgiving break thankfully ... I take a picture and send it off to him. LIFE goes on.
I liked your post . Personally I have partly admitted defeat on the domestic front. I have only one child so its not too terrible. But most of the time its a mess. In the past I have paid someone once a week or once every two weeks to clean for 3 hours. Or else I just live with it and do it bit by bit when I can.
I once read the best domestic tip I ever heard:
"Always place you clean but not folded washing on the couch. Then, when friends come over, they have to fold it before them can sit down."
Yes in my younger years, I should have just made sure we could afford a maid .. lol. Part of this is because when I was younger I grew up with a sense that was not normal. We lived overseas and having maids, yardboys, seamstress was part of the daily living where we were. Well, helloooo 4 - 10 years of age .. my persecptions of real world living was a tiny bit skewed and we jumped from living in that way, home to the states with just myself and a single mother who couldn't figure out how I didn't know how to do certain things, such as make a bed, make a peanut butter sandwhich for lunch. So I have always been domestically challenged, I keep expecting Tessie our maid to come out of the back room and she never shows. There is no excuse it just is, that's some of my background. Needless to say I struggle and feel overwhelmed by my failure. 
. I still have further to go at least I feel like ok .. this is ONE room I could have people into and not die of embarrassment. The only problem is I have to beam them there .. lol .. and they are NOT allowed anywhere else. I watched my children with great curiosity. They are like little worker ants the way they cooperate. It's a gift to be able to work with others and not have to take the stance that one persons way is the right way. I do hear my daughter from time to time and I will correct her, just because her brother doesn't do it HER way doesn't make his way any less valid. She will allow him to continue on his way. Yes, she's right it does take him longer however he still gets it done. 
Keep up the good work!