The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a confession to make: I don't like drama. I enjoy pause, calm, reflection, and joy. I think sometimes my part in the drama has to do with my fear when I can sense things building in my atmosphere (e.g. if my AH is struggling). I might ask too many times "Are you ok? What's going on?" or even dare to mention "You seem like you're struggling - is there anything I can do to help?" When nothing changes, I begin to fear that the pleasant atmosphere I've enjoyed, the peace I started cultivating, might be threatened. By God, I swear though, I don't want the drama. What I need is to learn how to not let what I know is co-existing in my environment (negativity) to impact what should be independently experienced peace and joy. Even when I am able to recognize that the good things come from within and are actually independent from the rest, I begin to think "then why stay in the atmosphere?"
Again, "Flourishing in an atmosphere of criticism is like trying to get sober in a bar."
I realise, as my mother-in-law and I recently discussed, that some Holocaust survivors survived by learning to cultivate "happiness" within themselves. However, I do believe that, if given the choice, they would have opted out of that experience!
Perhaps time will allow for the atmosphere to improve. Here's hoping!
Just my thoughts. :)
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Just be careful K. I will overthink and intellectualize a crappy situation that I really should change instead of accept (not saying for sure that's what you are doing). This is why we say the serenity prayer all the time.
Hope is good. It's best when it's that you have hope for you more than other's and the situation.
I think when it comes to whatever changes you want or need to make you will know when the time has come.
The holocaust victims would have opted out of the whole experience, however they did the best they could given the horrific circumstances they were in talk about ultimate powerlessness.
You are not imprisoned by the Nazi's, while you may need to find your own happiness within you, abuse is not ok. (making an observation)
Addiction to drama can be just as strong as any addiction to medication and we are a society who thrives on drama, AKA Jerry Springer, soaps, tv shows CSI, talk shows, reality shows that aren't real because there is not enough drama, movies, books, whatever we like drama. Good grief, what people do or say to get some kind of weird fame. It is also a tool of deflection to, if the drama is there then you don't have to focus on what's really going on. It is def the highs and the lows.
I like what Deb has said in the past AA does not stand for Analyze Analyze.
There is nothing wrong with hope because it's gotten people through some horrific situations.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi, I also like the peace and quiet. I don't like drama. I can see drama in other people and I walk far around them.
However, that being said, I remember when I loved what I called, "stirring the pot". I would start a fight/drama/situation and just watch as other people fought/discussed with feeling/yelled. Just like Jerry Springer. I know I was deflecting so that I could watch them instead of deal with me.
I learned to stop asking questions. I had help learning that because my AH wouldn't answer me anyway and I was asked by my AlAnon group if I really enjoyed hitting my head against that wall or was I ready to stop? Since he was not giving me any answers, I quit asking. It didn't help the relationship any. I thought that a couple had to be "close" (by my definition). I learned that with an alcoholic, that is not possible unless he gets help with his issues. Because of the way he was raised it was not a good thing to be "close".
You just reminded me: My husband is 2 mos sober (early, I know) and did not have abuse or a lot of dysfunction within his home. He was emotionally abused for some years in elementary school, from what he has said. That makes it tougher for me to know what's going on with him sometimes.
It's been difficult to know how to approach things when we are in counseling and working on "communication," both saying that it is very important to us. He had asked me and given permission for me to "check-in" with him. But, perhaps you're right - no matter what we are counseled to do, or agree to do, if it doesn't work then it doesn't work! He can't hear me in those times, and I am miserable eventually because I think I am failing him and in my role as a wife (somewhere inside myself I'm sure I think that). Sometimes he deliberately won't answer basic questions or important questions that I need to have answered, just to frustrate me. I can start to try and walk away - the harder part will be letting go of the anger from him doing that.
I know what you mean about notions of "being close." It's has been hard to accept that we maybe can't have that. Really though, what I'm asking for is to be treated with some degree of respect and kindness, and functional communication. I expect to do the same in return. We don't have to expose our souls to each other :), even though he seems to want that more than I do!
I can't stand Jerry Springer type of situations, they make me feel dizzy. I think that's my problem, I don't have any "thick skin," and I try to avoid that kind of thing. I'm sure it's an ACOA fear of confrontation/anger etc. I can't watch a reality show for more than 10 minutes usually, unless I'm feeling particularly centered and relaxed (strange isn't it?), and I don't watch media that shows violence. I might just be dealing with too much PTSD. Yesterday, my husband told me that a dead body washed up on the lakeshore near our street - the man had gone kayaking with his dog during a storm. My husband was laughing and calling him an idiot, saying that his dog (who survived) was smarter than he. I found that to be disturbing.
Sorry for the rambling!
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Like I said before, it's tricky to know the difference between "not liking drama" and being so afraid of conflict that you allow yourself to be mistreated because of not being able to stand up for yourself in an assertive but detached way.
You can overanalyze all of this. I understand where you are coming from. But it is early on for him to have a clear head.
I had to lower my expectations of what I wanted in a relationship. I had to take what I wanted and leave the rest. I had to concentrate on ME for a change. I know I don't have what I want but I also know that I no longer want what I thought 11 yrs ago (when I started AlAnon) that I absolutely had to have. What I want is changing and I don't know where it is going. I have learned to live for today and to live one day at a time. I have learned to take my happiness where I can find it.
Everything changes. Be happy to go with the flow. If you feel like you are in prison in your house, then change your flow. If you think you can overlook small things and stay happy, then don't change a thing. It doesn't sound like you can stay happy, or are happy right now. Is it fear? Fear of what?
Pinkchip - I have been thinking about your last post. It makes sense to me. Here's what I know: I have been afraid of conflict on and off through my life. I have often had trouble standing up for myself - at some point I learned that doing so resulted in bad things (as have many ACOAs). . So, I don't really have answers, just observations. I have always felt like I didn't get much positive benefit out of drama - which doesn't mean it isn't familiar, or that I don't gossip/get caught in it at times. It is hard to distinguish between the two though, as you said. I'll keep pondering.
Maryjane - I am unhappy in my home, and afraid. I think I have trouble finding/owning my own power, especially now. At times I feel imprisoned (I think I said "stuck?") because at the moment I feel only worn by my marriage, and without options. I don't know where I'd go. I am staying in order to give the marriage counseling a chance, and out of fear - my attempt to leave result in threatening words and behaviors by my AH, including that I can't have my daughter. I feel too drained to start over. I think my only chance is to continue to pray and work on the 12 steps, until I feel well enough to be able to make a decision.
It's all the same stuff. If anything will change, it will have to begin with me. Even in counseling, my AH turns everything around to put it on me, and I don't yet see the counselor mediating it. That's fine, if I need to own more than I have been. I just don't know.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
and out of fear - my attempt to leave result in threatening words and behaviors by my AH, including that I can't have my daughter. I feel too drained to start over.
Hi
I just wanted to shre that I understand how scarey it is to leave when there is fear and threats.
My ex (one of the many), told me if I ever left him, I would be looking over my shoulder the rest of my life.
He was correct for many years. When I left him, literally he went out one morning with some mates and came home to a house without me, my clothes and the cat.
He proceeded to burn all my other personal affects. He threatened suicide. He rang my best friend wiht a rifle in his mouth. He stalked me wiht a rifle and sat outside my new home in the bushes with a rifle. I never saw him, but knew he woudl be donig this and it was confirmed a few years later by one of his mates. He sent extremely private photos that we took of each other in the privacy of our relationship and sent them to my Mother. He enlarged these 'private' photos of me and dropped them around my workplace and gave them in sealed envelopes to my workmates.
He threatened my new partners ex wife. She was scared for the life of her pets.
I negotiated everything via fax machine messages. When I went to get my left over stuff from the house, I took two uniformed police men and a very large male friend with me. I told him to not be home. I knew he woudl be there hiding in the bushes with a gun.... this also was confirmed years later... so I took protection
You know what though... he never actually did anything. He never hurt himself or anyone else. For years I continued to be scared. I gave him all my power and energy adn I wasn't even living with him.
After a number of years, I went to DV counselling. Guess what, within three weeks I saw him in the local shopping centre. I was scared stiff and hid. He pretended not to see me. This man who was so threatening, was scared to approach me!!???!!!
Hahahahahaha... they don't have any power if we take care of ourselves.... after that day.. I got over it. I have not looked over my shoulder once in over 3 years. I left him in 1999, it took me a long time, but I got over it.
Staying because of wht he threatens to do is a reality, but you can work with it. Forewarned is forearmed.
