The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things are actually quite good these days. My wife has been sober many, many more days than not in the last couple of months. There have been some bumps in the road but she's in a much better place than she was a year ago. Her patience with our sometimes challenging kids has left me in awe at times, especially when I consider how lacking she was in this area in the past, and especially when I see how lacking I am with patience at times.
So why have I felt so bad lately? Why is that sense of dread back when I drive home from work? Why am I so focused on her, and waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to just fall apart again? Why do I feel so bad? It's as if I feel traumatized; no matter how good things may be, I feel bad. Why?
I have a few theories on this; one is that I am allowing myself to feel things for the first time in a long time. For me, the focus should be on no one but me right now, as my wife has done nothing recently to justify having me focus on her (not that it is ever justified but certainly not now). It feels very uncomfortable for me to finally focus on me. On a much deeper level, I'm wondering if the problem is that the never resolved issues from growing up in an alcoholic home just are flaring up these days, now that I am able to work on me and think about me.
Sorry for the rambling, I'm just working this out and wanted to write it down. Definitely something to talk to my therapist about. I was almost overcome with how bad I felt last night, and for no good reason at all. My wife was fine, kids were fine, it was a beautiful day, life was and is good and I am blessed. So why do I feel bad?
I think it is something like that for me some days. I do self sabotage a lot. I create a problem where there is none. I catastrophize EVERYTHING.... I am addicted to chaos and drama, so when I am not getting some, I feel like I am "jonsing" for it. I need my fix... sometimes I come home and am all cranky looking for a fight and so then sometimes something chaotic happens and I get my adrenalin rush that I needed, that the chaos gave me. I am addicted to adrenalin, I admit it.
I think what I do to help me in that situation is sit and make a gratitude list, or read a book, or take a bath. I garden. I call my sponsor. I come on here and post to others. WHen I help others it actually helps me get better. I get out of my head, and the committee in my head doesn't win for a minute. That committee has a lot to say and I am out voted a lot. But I am gaining strength, little by little. Do you have a meeting or a sponsor you can call? Take care of you, thanks for posting today and keep coming ;)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
in my experience when my A is doing good Mydisease progressed. I no longer could justify looking at his life controlling him. I then started looking at me and it was scary. I realised that just as my A had used alcohol to run from reality and pain I had used trying to fix him, control him focused outside myself. I too was very confused to why I felt so much worse when everything seemed to be going the way I had always hoped. In fact at one stage when my A was working his recovery really strongly while in rehab he told me I was too sick for him to be around and he was right. He was working his programme looking inside himself doing his work and I was still looking at him. No matter how much we love someone we are seperate human beings even if we share some aspects of our lives. In al anon they say we can get better if the alcoholic does or not the same is true for them. They can get better and we can stay sick and confused. My partner has slipped back after 9 months sober and I am doing good today I realsie my recovery is about me. I am attending as many meetings as I can, coming on here, reading, going to conferences, working the steps I am to busy getting well to focus on him. I just say I hope you reach out for the help you need as he knows where it is.
I think you are feeling your feelings, and allowing your wife to feel hers, your being who you are supposed to be, it's a funny old time when things are going good and yet we are still waiting for the fall out, I guess it's only natural to feel that way as it had become some what of a habit, gradually though, our aprreciation grows for the change, and we start to see it and feel it in ourselves and others, I actually went worse at the beginning in alanon, when I could only think the solution, it didn't start happening for me until I could feel it too, I didn't like admitting that it wasn't all my alcoholic's fault either, it's taken me along time to own my behaviour's of the past, and I can only just say in all honesty, nothing but nothing justified my bad behaviour, I just didn't know any other way, now I do know I have choices, I am loving my husband for the first time ever in a healthy way, things he used to do that bugged the hell out of me, now make me smile, I am so so pleased this is happening for you and your family, enjoy every moment.
You have a long history with her. She is the mother of your children. It's natural to think about her. Also, you have been through the proverbial wringer so feeling traumatized would be appropriate IMHO.
I know I have heard when the A gets sober that is actually the most challenging for the sober spouse. It's when everything comes crashing in because the old behaviors are no longer working and you are right you are feeling things for the first time. It's shocking to actually feel after having a the wall of iron built up for so long. Be easy on yourself and remember your feelings do not define you, they just are, so as long as you are allowing them to process through you and not hold on to them then it just is what it is. It's going to pass. I wanted to say to it's that E word the expectation that something is going to happen because that's how it works. It's so much better to live outside of the expectation good or bad because it just becomes a situation of what is vs what might be, what if and so on. Those are the old tapes that are playing. I'm not saying she's sober forever, I hope she is, I'm just saying finding a way to let go of the expectations of what next, what if, blah blah blah is a new step for you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi, Did you ever see a puppy that was kicked repeatedly. They don't trust for a long, long time. That puppy is healthy. He is always dodging the kicks. He anticipates the kicks, even if they never come. It takes a long time for the puppy not to expect the kicks. You can talk and talk and the puppy won't believe you. The kicks were there before. He knows actions speak louder than simply saying there will be no more kicks.
You are the puppy. It will take awhile. Be gentle with yourself. Eventually you will get used to the calm. Don't get on yourself because you don't yet believe. You have a right to your feelings, but feelings are not facts. You don't have to act on them.
My sponsor had me post a reminder to put in my house... "My brain is not my friend."
I'm a lot like you, things are going just fine and dang if I don't wake up some days and my brain just starts searching for something to pick at... some little fear suddenly snowballs into a major issue for the day.
My feelings follow my thought. And I happen to have a thinking problem, that's why I'm in al-anon. So it's important for me to remember my feelings are not facts. In recovery, I can practice telling my brain, "thanks but no thanks."
Our brain thinks for us, it reminds us of stuff, which is really handy much of the time, but not always obviously. It thinks it is doing us a big fat favor by reminding us of the past..." remember this? remember that?" The more I practice saying, "thanks but no thanks" and let the thoughts go back to where they came from.... the more it diminishes. It's not going to change overnight, just requires practice.
A friend once gave me a tip, she told me to google The Golden Key. It helps me when I catch myself "thinking"... especially over-thinking (gawd, there are those days!!!) ... to immediately switch to a thought about Higher power, however you can do that. That's the goal.
I am in a place of addressing ACA issues too... very eye-opening to discover that I came into my marriage with my own baggage... and those behaviors are still active in me today, affecting all my relationships...
One day at a time.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Just wanted to second what pinkchip and maryjane said. Be gentle with yourself. Nurture the child who was traumatized, tell him that it's safe and you'll be there for him.
A quote:"We are bound, tortured, and killed by what is not happening." And you have a history of things that did happen. Try to ask yourself "Right now, in this very moment, what is happening?" If nothing, then you can feel your feelings and find a way to release them - tears, a walk, al-anon support, etc. You have a right to honor those feelings and free YOURSELF of them. The purpose of focusing on yourself is not about anyone else, and it isn't to condone anything bad that has happened. You don't even have to think about what your "role" might have been in the chaos, it could have been a lot or not much honestly, but it doesn't matter. What matters is healing yourself of the negative energy that has built up as a result.
I agree, it is natural to think about your spouse - that person plays/has played a significant role in your life, growth, and pain. She directly impacts your life and home atmosphere, and your children's. Then recognize that so, too, do you impact their lives and home. That is why it is so important to work on you.
Wishing you peace.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I am really glad you sent that post today. I am really down and I think the kicked puppy analogy is the best one.
I have stuck it out b/c I love my wife and family, but every 3-6 months you end up with some "event." Relapse, something uglier, isolation from friends, etc. that you just start feeling $hitty about your place in life.
Is this what I signed up for? Is this what I want? Attitude goes a long way, but when you have been kicked as many times as I have, you just start forgetting what it's like to not get kicked. Once I haven't felt the blow in a while it is probably my subconscious kicking in (no put intended) bracing for the next crisis. Anxiety and fear creep in.
Today I am ok. My family is safe, my wife is sober, but how long has that lasted over the years...?
"Today I am ok. My family is safe, my wife is sober, but how long has that lasted over the years...?" you captured this perfectly.
This is the internal dialogue I have often had to try to justify staying with my AH, but I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And even if our AH or AW s were sucessful in recovery, who is to say that our relationships would work even then? I am personally acquainted with a recovering Alcoholic and he says often the sick spouse that goes into recovery changes drastically personality wise and it can be like two strangers living together. Plus, I know from my own experience during the brief periods when my husband would try to proove he could stay sober if he wanted, I was almost paranoid and monitoring every one of his moves worried he'd start drinking again. I even was a bit delusional, imagining that I was witnessing him drinking a beer or holding a beer when it was actually a can of pop. Bizarre I know.. Anyways, not sure if that helped anyone or not. But it just goes to show the extensive reach of the illness. For me, 20 years on the rollercoaster is enough.
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The Journey of a thousand miles is begun with a single step.
My HOPE in recovery is that I am tapping into a source of power much greater than I am... greater than the events of my life and greater than the stories I have circling around in my head... like being a kicked puppy. I may have felt like a kicked puppy but.......... I stayed in it. For 26 years, I stayed. What was it in me that did that???
That is the work of the 12 steps, to know myself, take responsiblity for my behavior and to let Higher power transform it all to work for Him. When I maintain a victim mentality, I cannot budge in my recovery, I stay bitter, I stay fearful.
One day at a time.... you are working it, keep it up. Become aware, yes. It was important for me to become aware and to acknowledge what happend in childhood and in my marriage. I'll look back, but I don't want to stare. The only reason for me to look at it is to figure out why I am the way I am, why I did what I did............ so that I don't keep doing it! My parents and my husband did the best they could, they all had their own issues. I probably married my husband because he treated me exactly like my parents did, it was familiar.... there was an interesting exercise... make a list of what you don't/didn't like about your spouse... then, make a list of what you don't/didn't like about your parents. Compare that list.
I forgive them for not being what I needed them to be, and I forgive MYSELF for thinking that is what I deserve. I no longer hold them responsible. I am under God's protection and care... the feelings of trauma will diminish in God's time. All is well, we can trust this.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm new here, but this conversation is very much what I am feeling right now. My A is sobering up, hanging with a new good group of people, and yet I am the one left in tears! What maryjane said is when I got it - you can never NOT expect to be kicked. Especially for me, after so many years of my A staying in the house drinking, it's hard to get used to her going out/having a good time. From reading these replies, I think it takes time for one to get used to your A being sober.
