The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been married to my AH for four years, been attending al-anon for four months. I am also 4 months pregnant (surprise to us!). Since finding out that we are pregnant, my AH has quit his job, refused to support me through attempting to get health insurance, drinks/is stoned most of the day and is quite apathetic towards life. I feel like he has shut me out and is slowly self destructing our marriage. Some days are okay, he puts in a little effort, we feel like we are complete. I realize that I cannot control him or our situation and try my hardest to "ride the wave" and "let it go". I follow the "PHALT" rules (P for pregnant), trying to defuse situations. I feel like I am just trying to get through each day- wake up, work, come home and pretend like everything is okay. I realize as a co-dependant I have a lot to work on and can only change my self and my situation... but it's hard. There is constantly an elephant in the room between us. When I try to talk about us and our future, I get defensive answers or sarcastic shut downs. Then, when he gets his liquid courage, he attacks and pushes me away and tells me if I'm unhappy to just leave or let him go.
Yesterday, I picked him up after an afternoon with his guy friends. On our way home, (forty minute drive) he began babbling and acting out. He mentioned how I treat our dog - she poops in the house, and later I reward her (hours later). she continues this behavior. He told me this was insanity. I can't help but agree, but then, I guess I treat all I love this way - they poop in the house, I clean up after them, reward them later. Sounds familiar, and I got to thinking...
Things got much worse as we drove, screaming, fighting in MIL driveway (to pick up said dog), him trying to drive my car away and fake run me over... I left him there. Currently, we are very bad, not talking, refusing to deal with what happened. I think he wants out of the marriage, using this as his out, saying I kicked him out. He packed a bag, took some cash...
Part of me wants this all to be over, I feel like he hasn't given me any options. I know that I have difficulty communicating, that I overreacted, but I am not sure how to go foward from here... Thank you for listening, I just feel so alone and helpless.
First off you are not alone, please and I can't stress this enough try and find a face to face meeting in your area. There are so many wonderful people in the groups of alanon and you are NOT alone. It is so easy to isolate and just not want to deal out of sheer fear others will judge, critize or just make blanket statements about things they really know nothing about, as far as dealing with an addict and the craziness it brings out in the most normal of person. Unless someone has walked in your shoes believe me, they don't have a clue. That's what is so great about the face to face meetings is there is a whole table of people who have walked beside you, not necessarially in your shoes, they know what it is like on so many levels. The shame, guilt, frustration, anger, depression, insert whatever emotion you need to here, point being we all need that support and understanding. We all deserve to be heard and understood, because while our stories may differ the core issues are all the same.
Take the focus off of him and start focusing on you. You are pregnant and need to take care of yourself so you can take care of the little life that is growing inside of you.
There are some good books you can find at the local library even, Co Dependent No More, Melodie Beattie was one for me that took my blinders off as to what I was doing to myself as well as my own family. Just take some time and do some self care for yourself. Part of that being GO to a meeting and start putting yourself back together and finding out who you are and what you want.
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
HUGS! I first just want to tell you that you have my prayers, I am sending love to you and your little one on the way. Your story has touched on something very important to me.
When I became pregnant, I had only been in al-anon for some months, and my AH and I had only been married for about 6 months. He was not in treatment. He is very good at self-sabotage, and behaved erratically many times through the pregnancy (my daughter is one year old now). I still struggle in dealing with the way he treated me, very insensitively, at times. When my daughter was born, my husband became unemployed, and still is. I knew then, and know now, that he struggles with self-worth. He believes he is failing by not "taking care of" his family. The disease of alcoholism overcame him during these times, which then made him feel even worse. It was very, very difficult for me not to feel as though he was deliberately trying to cause me pain - though I knew that he simply was in so much pain himself. It was such a delicate/tender time for me, I was filled with so much love for our growing child and yet feeling unloved by my husband. How could this be? How could he not want to share in this?
These are my thoughts, that is all: Let him destroy himself, if that is what he chooses. You can only look out for your best-interest right now, that is it. By looking out for you, you will be 100% taking care of your baby. The only thing that matters right now is the safety of you and your growing child. Eat well, sleep as much as you can/need, and absolutely reach out for support - here, with family and friends, and certainly in face-to-face meetings. Reaching out is imperative - having people who know and understand, and who you trust. Your husband is unavailable in every way to you right now. No matter what you do, his behavior is not your fault, nor can you change it. I know it is difficult to be treated badly by people we love, and to see them treat themselves badly. That is why it is important to detach with love. He most likely will need to hit bottom before coming back up, and you need to be safe while he does this. Again, this is not your fault, and you don't deserve it - but only you can choose differently for yourself.
Focus on what you need today and, with love, eventually what you will need in the future for you and the baby.
Please keep coming back!
Blessings,
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
When I became pregnant my AH went crazy. His partying went out of control and he became the most insensitive human being on the planet. I have very ugly memories from my pregnancy and I felt very much alone and depressed (I wasn't in Al-anon at the time by the way). After my daughter was born I read in "getting them sober" that alcoholics just can't take care of anyone but themselves. I've noticed for example that whenever I'm sick with the flu or whatever my husband pretty much runs away, even though when he's the one that's sick he demands way too much attention. It's not like being pregnant is being sick, but it does mean you want and deserve caring and attention and I think that's hard for alcoholics to handle. Take care of yourselve, love yourself very much and know that you are not alone, you have us and your baby. Enjoy this time cause it is precious and put yourself and your baby first. I truly send you all my love and support and understanding. (((louberry)))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
