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Hi everyone, I am new to Al-Anon, but thought I would give this a try and then maybe go to a meeting as well. I have been married to my AH for 20 years and finally came to the realization that while I will never change him, I can change me. (I know, it ONLY took 20 years! lol) So, I found a job in a city that is hopefully far enough away that he won't randomly show up on my doorstep. I have tried to leave before but was unsuccessful as I would always fall for his promises to change. Plus, we were raising two children as well which added to my confusion.
So, now I have made the break..but he has been calling me quite regularly to tell me how much he misses me and doesn't want to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. I only answer the phone because I worry that it might be something pertaining to our kids. They are nearly out of the nest, and have decided to stay there with him for now.
Of course, this is wreaking havoc on my emotions and my resolve to stick to my plan of removing myself from him and the whole unhealthy situation. I suppose I am a bit confused too as to whether I am actually hurting because I miss him and still love him, or is this just me falling back into our unhealthy co-dependent cycle.. . My mother says he is just being his usual manipulative self, stemming from his alcoholism.
Advice/insights would be much appreciated from anyone who has experienced a similar situation.
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The Journey of a thousand miles is begun with a single step.
Welcome! Definitely try to get to a live face-to-face meeting - you'll be amazed how great it makes you feel. Hang in there - I've been told, and I firmly believe, that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. You've been doing this for 20 years and you're right, you can only change you. Keep coming back and take good care of yourself!
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--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Hi there and welcome! Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? Do you have a sponsor and any regular weekly meetings? These things changed my outlook and my life for the better! Take care of yourself. Sending you love and strength.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
There are terrific people here on the boards and lots of experience. BF made some great recommendations on books. I have thrived on CoDependent No More, I can't say enough about following through with the exercises at the end of the chapters.
Go to a meeting they are fantastic, that's where my healing has taken off and where I have learned the real fact that I"m not alone and I don't have to do it all by myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks everyone. I will definitely check out the books and I do plan to find a meeting this week also. The worst part is feeling alone, but then I think it's better to be alone than in the "roller coaster of madness" every day.
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The Journey of a thousand miles is begun with a single step.
You are in the right place. I've been in your situation as well and it is not easy. By going to f2f meetings, you will get clarity on your situation. You will hear similar stories here as well as f2f meetins. I think we all have deal with similar situations. The only that changes are the actors'. Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease and it affects us so deeply. Our head spins most of the time with confusion. Keep coming back.
You are in the right place. I think once you try a face to face meeting it will feel like you have finally arrived home. Stick around, get to know us a bit. We are just so glad you are here.
Ditto what Tommye said... :) Also the books Getting them Sober, One day at a time in alanon, As we understood... and Courage to Change have all helped me. Along with meetings, this board, and my sponsor... Take care of you and Welcome here!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
