He relapsed - Al-Anon Family Group

walkingthrubluebonnets · Member

He relapsed

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Walking,

I am so very sorry you are going through this difficult time. You are not alone. Please find a face to face meeting, it will help sort some of this out or at least give you some ideas as to how to deal with the influx of emotions. You have every right to feel the feelings you are having right now, the anger, the scariness of it all. Finding an appropriate way to deal with them is going to only help you.

In support and hugs,
P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've found that doctors typically don't understand alcoholism better than the average uninformed person. Even if he went out seeking alcohol solely because of the overdose, the statistical chances of relapse (for people with no testosterone issues) are very high. There's a 70%-95% chance that he will not stay sober longterm. That's what the statistics say for people who have gone into a recovery program. Not to be depressing, but so that you can go forward from a realistic perspective. The fact that he isn't acknowledging the seriousness of what happened and the terrifying effect it had on those around him suggests that he isn't ready to look at the impact his situation is having. If he's not getting perspective, it's hard to believe he'll have the determination to stay on the sober pathway. But of course time will tell, one way or the other.

I think this means, as always, that taking care of yourself is the most vital thing. Can you gather the biggest support system you can find? You shouldn't have to go through this without massive support. Hugs.

walkingthrubluebonnets · Member

I don't think he's ever gotten perspective on how this impacts other people. Even going to rehab, a year of counseling, and AA. One of the steps upon his release from the medical hospital was that he had to go to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. There, as part of his entrance interview (of which I was a part), the nurse asked him how it affected his family when he drank like this. He couldn't answer the question. All he said was "emotionally". She asked him to expand on that and he couldn't. That was very disappointing for me because it was clear then that he hasn't really done the work he needed to do prior to this relapse.

He would love to sweep everything under the rug. He thinks because there is a medical diagnosis behind this relapse that the relapse doesn't really mean anything. I tried explaining to him that even though there were extenuating circumstances, that the damage is the same, and it was a nightmare come true for me. Literally, in days, he turned our lives upside down. That's hard to recover from.

Another aspect of it was the terror of seeing him almost die. When he drinks, he loses all rationale, all logic. The fear is very real that something will trigger him again, he will drink and I'll find him dead.

He says that this is over, the incident is concluded and he's okay. I try to make him understand that it's not over. We're (i.e. ME) still trying to get his job reinstated, trying to get the truck issue resolved. All of the burden of supporting this family right now is on my shoulders. I'm dealing with some aspect or another of this every day.

I feel like I'm the only responsible adult in this relationship, and that I'm the only one who cares about the damage that was done.

-- Edited by walkingthrubluebonnets on Sunday 28th of August 2011 02:30:46 PM

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

So sorry you're having such a hard time. Hang in ther - you are not alone.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

"I feel like I'm the only responsible adult in this relationship, and that I'm the only one who cares about the damage that was done." I can so identify with this. My exAH never understood that his drinking damaged him, much less anyone else. This was despite thousands of dollars in lawyers' fees, losing several jobs, being prohibited from driving for a year, etc. etc. etc., not to mention the loss of his marriage, the breakdown of a number of friendships, and all the non-monetary stuff. He still thinks that society just has an unnatural and irrational prejudice against a little harmless drinking, and so it's everyone else's fault.

It sounds to me as if you, like me, would find it most useful to go on with the assumption that he is going to continue not to "get" it. Which in most cases means that they continue to drink. (Even when they do "get" it, they often can't stop drinking.)

You are probably in a situation where if he doesn't get his job back, that would impact your finances and stability, not just his. I think most of us with A's that continue drinking find that eventually for our own safety, we have to assume that we're safe only if we can support ourselves and not rely on any input from the A. Because that's how the situation typically ends up. It's not fair, certainly. But right now you're in the position of trying to run his life, which is hard to do even when someone wants you to do it, and impossible when someone doesn't care or is standing in the way. If he wants to make his recovery go well, he has everything he needs to work on getting his job back himself, as well as everything else.

I know it's so hard to let them sink or swim. For what it's worth, when I stopped managing my exAH's life, I was sure he'd be living under a bridge within six months. He's not what you'd call life's greatest success, but he's blundering ahead under his own steam and shows no sign of heading for that bridge. They actually do a lot to keep themselves going when the safety net's removed. Not inevitably -- but I was surprised how often. The "I'm helpless, I can't keep my life going" stance is often really "I'm having a good time in my addiction while you handle the hard parts of life for me." At least that's my experience.

Hugs.

lasthope · Veteran Member

Oh my Blue! I'm sending you support and kindness.
I relate to your description of finding it hard to recover from having your
life turned upside down and that your H wants to sweep it under the rug.
My therapist met my H for one session and declared him to be an untreatable (via psychotherapy)
addict. So far he's been 100% correct. He also taught me that "you're either in recovery
or you're not." My H was in in house treatment as a requirement of his job and went
to AA meetings almost every day for a year (or so he says). He still doesn't admit to
being an addict of any kind. His DOC is prescription opiates but he drinks and smokes dope too.
He denies that his behavior impacts me. I think he's a narcissist
in addition to being an addict and so he doesn't sympathize anyway. Referring to his most
recent one week opiate withdrawal he yelled "You didn't know what I was going through!
You were at work or asleep! I would never do anything to jeopardize our lives."
And so goes the ranting and raving.
Before my own recovery began, we waged war with each other. Now I'm learning to observe
his irrational behavior for what it is rather than engage in battle. Today while he was carrying on
I walked upstairs to my bathroom, closed the door and took a bath. Before coming back downstairs
I asked him if he was finished.
Another thing Blue that you can take or leave as we say in Alanon that my therapist taught
me is that substance abuse causes brain damage. Also I've learned that the level of emotional
development stops when the substance abuse begins, which for a lot of people is teen age or
young adulthood. So probably you are the only mature adult without brain damage in the room.
But you are not alone. We're here to support you. If you don't already, I urge you to go to the
first f2f Alanon meeting you can find and keep going.

hawaiilover · Senior Member

Sorry to hear about your husband's condition. I learned long ago that relapse is part of this disease. It is a one day at a time program. The alcoholics have to want recovery for themselves. They have to want it really bad. Otherwise, the rollercoaster just continues on and on. Recovery comes through hard work, therapy, and a 12 step program. Without these resources, it is just an accident waiting to happen.

I understand how you feel. My Ah is in denial also. The drinking is also active in my house. The way I cope is to share my experience, strength, and hope with others. I attend meetings here and other online forum as well as face to face meetings. I am here for me. I need to save myself and heal my emotions and many other areas where I am damaged.

keep sharing and keep coming back.

Hawaii

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Walking,

Boy could I relate to your post. I myself had received one of those phone calls late in the night summoning me to the hospital. I had a one year old at home at the time. It was frightening, mine spent 9 days in ICU and had three months in rehab to put humpty dumpty back together. I thought thank God, he's fine, we're going to be just fine. Well, I wasnt fine. The scenery in the hospital, for me was absolutely horrifying. It was like a bad dream that never ended. My loved one had a terrible brain injury, and a subsequent craniotomy, which wasnt pretty. After care for him which was me, wasnt pretty either. I was very resentful, angry that this happened because I thought he had a choice to drink or to not.

When you can come to the place that Alcoholism is a disease, they are not doing it to you, they are just doing it, then I was able to depersonalize all of the pain associated with trying to help him with his physical recovery. As for financial fear, yes, I have had them too. It sure is easy to feel financially secure when you have plenty of money in the bank. We have had those years where we just didnt see how God was going to help us pay our bills too. What I have discovered by working the steps with a sponsor and being active in my program that God gives me what I need in this day, one day at a time. I shall not want for anything. I have found that when I connect with my source - my HP, and take care of the next right action, and be of service of others, I have found that the God of my understanding has taken care of my every need.

There is a lesson and a blessing in each and every event that comes into my life. Should my spouse not had that terrible event in my life, I would not have reached a level of pain that was necessary for me to change. That is what put me back into the alanon program and given me the ability to get to the H.O.W. part of the program, which is: Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness for which I am forever grateful.

Thanks for sharing your story today,

xoxo, tommye

walkingthrubluebonnets · Member

I don't take it personally as in he did it to me, but I do take it as he didn't care enough to make a different choice. I feel like the things he "threw away" didn't mean much to him. And yes, that means possibly our marriage as well, so in that context, it's very personal to me.

When we married, he lived in a different state. I was the one who put his resume together and spent hours each day submitting his resume for different jobs so he would have some leads when he moved here. When he landed this job, I put the money down on his dream truck so he could have something nice to drive (and it benefitted us to pull the camper, horse trailers, etc so it wasn't totally selfless). I did that because I wanted to show him that I believed in him and had faith. I could have easily just bought the truck for myself.

I feel stupid now, thinking maybe it all came too easy so it didn't mean anything to him. I thought what I was doing was part of teamwork (because he was doing what he could on his end to move here as quickly as possible) but now it seems I was just doing the work. And here I am again. I had to push and pursue the doctors myself to get the paperwork he needed for his job to consider reinstatement. I am again submitting his resume to new companies in case his old job doesn't come through.

I do need to let go. I know I need to get into Al-anon. I've found some local meetings with a few different groups so I'm going to check them out and see which one is the best fit for me.

Thank you all so much for responding. Your support and shared experiences really helps me gain some perspective.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

The book One Day at a time has helped me so much in these kind of situations... I see you are saying you think he had a choice to drink, well from what I have learned here, in open AA, in the AA big book and in One Day at a time in alanon, they don't have a choice. It is not a moral decision, its a compulsion of the brain. Just as we are obsessed with them, they are obsessed with the substance. We have to find our own path to recovery and begin to feel better, just as they do. Also we have to let them be the adults they are, let them take charge of their own job search and such. They need to do that to build self-esteem. Alanon helps to relieve the pressure of whats been going on. It says at the beginning of the meeting that alanon can help you gain serenity whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not. You can have peace no matter what... I am learning this every day. Little by little the changes are starting to happen. Progress.... HUGS! Take care of you!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to expound a little on what YFM said too as far as coming to terms with alcoholism as a disease. I know many people can relate it to having cancer or diabetes. I'm not one of them I have to think outside the box when it comes to terms of thinking of alcoholism as a disease.

Do I think it's a choice? In the very beginning of the first time they ever took a drink, yes, .. after that not so much.

I have to see alcoholism as a mental disease, something I can't touch and is not rational.

Do I see alcoholism as a diease? Yes, absolutely, I had to wrap my mind around it in a different way to get there. From there I was able to stop taking what my A did as a personal attack on me, our family and our marriage and start seeing him as sick and not being able to ask for help. He was coping with something that has a hold on him in ways he can't comprehend. I was dealing with it sober and any normal person given those circumstances is going to act out with some crazy behavior.

This time last year I would have said phooey, I'm not the one with the issues HE is. I'm not the one acting like a spoiled brat HE is. Why do I need help when HE is the one who is out of control. The truth of the matter is I do and did need help to be able to get back to myself, stop trying to control a situation that I couldn't control and start living my life to my own full potential without the weight of my A's issues dragging me down. I had to surrender to the fact I was not going to fix this for him. Something else I learned was until I started treating myself with respect no one else was going to respect me either, which for me meant getting up off the floor and stop allowing others to use me as a doormat. That parlayed into also accepting responsibility for my part in given situations with my A and others so I could stop being the victim.

Take what you like, please keep coming back and go to meetings it's the only way to move forward and get better for you. Your A is either going to drink or he's not. What are YOU going to do??

Hugs, P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

pushka, I am more inclined to think your way.
I can't relate addiction as a medical disease perse... like diabetes or cancer... people get alot more help for those diseases and there is medication one can take if they chose to etc.
I understand it is a medical disease, but I think of it in terms of a condition. It is a chronic relapsing condition.

IN my job as an addictions nurse (ironic I know), I often speak on this issue. Next week in fact Iam delivering to an International conference on chronic disease with a mental health slant to the topics.
I discuss the predispositions etc and the neuroadaption that takes place in the brain of the addicted person.

It is a very emotional illness/condition. I have to think of it as an illness of the logic responses also, because someone with cancer will access help and be supported etc.. generally speaking.

Addiction is not so cut and dry in my mind in my mind, but that helps me. I also teach others to remember that it is an illness and there is physical and psychological changes and aspects to the illness.

There is not one easy answer but it is definately a recognised chronically relapsing condition with medical people to assist the symptoms

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