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Hello. I'm going through a tough time now where it seems my AH, from whom I'm separated, is detaching from me. (Hey, wasn't I supposed to be the one doing that?) He's living w/ his mom since last month when he landed in the hospital to detox, and has relapsed at least once since. He is in an outpatient rehab program 4x/week and, as far as I know, goes to AA meetings. But he is not in a good place mentally.
Even though we don't live together now he usually calls me at least 1/day, even just to ask how our 2 yr. old boy is. He hasn't contacted me once since Thursday. I don't know why. His mom did call me last night and said he's sick w/ the stomach flu. She doesn't think he's drinking, but who knows. I purposedly try not to call him b/c I myself am trying to detach and don't want to interfere with my recovery or his. But I don't get this. I don't get if he wants me to call him, b/c he said once he always initiates. If he's doing this on purpose, or if he's just in his own little world.
I miss him and worry about him, but I just don't feel right calling. Is that the wrong thing? Do I just wait?
I don't know what to say about this, when my AH was out of the house, I just made it so he was responsible for his relationship with the kids AND I never shut the door. Meaning if he came to the house during that time there was no drama. I didn't ask him about his drinking, or what he was doing. We had dinner as a family and then he had to leave again. He hated it. I loved it .. I needed a break and that helped me to know how my brain was not in a good place and I needed to focus back on myself. I never made a game out of who called who, it was up to him to do that part of the work and I was not combative. I def made it up to him to decide what he wanted, and he determined what kind of relationship he was going to have with the kids. Sometimes I would leave during that time too and just let them be together without me. It was a very short break, sometimes I look back and wish I had taken more time. It was what I needed during that time and it helped me a LOT.
It turns out that my AH was drinking during that time, my MIL informed me later of that the reality is that it's really none of my business. I can only focus on what my part is and my focus needs to be on me. So the subject of his drinking if he is or not is totally on him. I really have tried to put the focus back on me where it needs to be.
Take what you like and leave the rest,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ermmmmmmmm in my early recovery, I was unaware of my motives, so detaching was quite a feat, detaching isn't ignoring or cold shouldering, or uncaring, it's kind of like separating two people who have become one, it takes practice to do it healthily and lovingly, I knew I was doing it right, when I had no exspectations of the outcome of showing my concern.
I learned in Al-Anon that recovery isn't a competition between my alcoholic/addict wife and myself. Recovery is about me, my HP and the supportive fellowship who has all the Experience Strength and Hope that I need to get better and grow. I was taught in detachment to let go and let God and not look back over my shoulder for her to see how good a job God was doing with her and how she was doing herself. Detatchment for me came to be mind, body, spirit and emotions...getting out of the way between her HP and herself. It was new and it was rocket science and what made all the sense in the world was when I discovered that my enabling interfered with and muddled up her recovery. If she was learning and trying to work a detachment it was none of my business in anyway shape or form. Her detachment was first a detachment from drugs and alcohol and nothing else. AA does not often use the word detachment as part of recovery lingo, behavior or culture like Al-Anon does. We learn to detach from our drug of choice...the alcoholic.
If you're peeking you need more belief, faith and practice. (((hugs)))
Dear nyc018, I am a little confused by your post. Isn't your goal to become detached from him? Does it really matter who is doing it---as long as it gets done.
Perhaps this will take some of the pressure off of you?
Thanks to all for your comments; yes, Otie - I am trying to detach, and this would seem a perfect opportunity for me to do so, in that AH is pulling back. I suppose I am not so good at it yet; it is a paradox, in that I separated from him and am trying to work alanon to give me some peace and serenity, yet I am anxious when I don't hear from him. I guess I also wonder if, by not contacting him, am I detaching with love? I don't know. It's not as if I ever hang up on him when he calls, I am always agreeable with him. I guess that by worrying about this too much I am not practicing my alanon tools too well.
I have only recently started doing this for myself so I don't have alot of ESH so listen to the long timers here. My opinion recently is... what is my motive? Why am I asking that question, why am I ringing him (eg: to hear how his voice sounds, to assess him intoxication, or to say hello) I am starting to avoid temptations where my motives are about him, and only ask or do things if it is about ME and what I want.
For instance, I am still asking him if he is using but I am not checking up to see if he is telling the truth. I work in the drug and alcohol field and I am using my clinical judgement etc. I do this so I can keep an eye on any deterioration, or for me to know what I am or am not accepting. I do not have a go at him about it, I ask, lately he is saying yes, not lying and saying no, and I move on with whatever I am doing.
I would think for you, ring him if YOU WANT to ring him and see how he is doing, but don't do it for other reasons. If there are other motives, then don't ring him.
I am trying to detach, every moment because I really can't control anything he does. I am riding out the wait I have now, to see how his day goes at an interview. He hasn't driven in a year and a half because of a DUI and now he is off suspension. I am trying to breathe, check in here and get busy. When I get busy, my mind gets off of him and back to my side of the street. I do call him periodically throughout the day, but its our thing, I call on my breaks and he wants me to call, and I want to call, we like to check in so we do. If he is at work, he calls me on his breaks too...I try to call my sponsor instead if I have other motives other than to say Hi. I am not sure if you go to meetings or not, but alanon has helped me and has begun to relieve the pressure little by little. There is something that is said in the beginning of meetings, that alanon can help us get serenity whether he drinks/uses or not... Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
