I get so far and fall so hard - Al-Anon Family Group

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

I get so far and fall so hard

Doozy · Senior Member

Oh Corgi2! I'm so sorry! That must really hurt and I feel terrible because I feel like my words are so inadequate. This is where HUGS come in handy!

I'm also dealing with a fairly fresh breakup from my ABF a few months ago and I'm really grieving the loss and disappointment. I know it is so hard to heal and get over, much less get news of lies and betrayals from someone you would still consider a friend. It's so much easier said than done, but I do hope you can try not to take it personally, to recognize his issues and responsibilities, and that you can remember that it will get better for you. You have already come so far. You've been rocked by some bad news from the past, but you are already moving forward to a happier place for your life. You've got those wonderful steps to take one day at a time, recognizing the powerlessness over his disease and knowing that a higher power is there to restore you to sanity. Keep working it, know that you are worth it and you will be so much better off in the future! I truly believe you will!

~ Doozy

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey mate,,, yeah thats hard.

I know its hard to think of it right now, but you may eventually see this as a good thing that you were right to discontinue the relationship??

When I left my exhusband, after the break up, I found out, that while we were together, he was having sex not only with other women (which I knew about) but also other men... (which in itself is not a problem), but he was doing it in the male toilets in public places. I immediately got tested. All good thankfully. For some reason it seemed less safe to be in a public toilet doing that than in someones home??? Not sure why.

HOw did I find this stuff out? I didn't cease conversations about him or cease listening to what was going on in his life. Then, when I did hear it, I didn't cease asking more quesitons about it.

It really hurt. AT that point in time (5 years ago), I also felt very validated.. see.. it wasn't my fault, look what he was doing!!! So I told people about my ex husbands private life.

Which was non of my business anymore.

I'm glad my health was not put in jeapardy.... but nowadays, people tell me they see my ex husband and I say.... poor you, glad I didn't.

I don't know if that helps at all... but sometimes its just nice to know you are not alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Corgi

Congratulations on your new job and new friends and keeping the door open to a new relationship. Grieving the old relationship takes time. You have just heard some difficult information about your former partner and it is painful.

HP is with you and change is hard. It may just be a message to you that trying to form a friendship with your exBF at this time is not wise.

Your life is still growing- HP has not abandoned you- the Serenity Prayer, A Gratitude list for what I have worked wonders for me.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Okay...there is a positive way to spin this. This just confirms you made the right decision in breaking up. Also, wouldn't it be much worse to find this stuff out when still together?

Infidelity was HIS choice. It is maladaptive for YOU to feel shame based on his choice. You were feeling better because you were taking charge of your own life again and enjoying it but you handed him the power back by choosing to care so much about the past. You can choose to go back to moving on and being more carefree again any time you want. Perhaps you were not even meant to be friends with the ex.

You are powerless over him.
You are powerless over his drinking.
You are powerless over his infidelity.
You are powerless over the past.

Please pick yourself up. You don't have to fall down so hard over a relationship that was over anyhow.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Standing up applauding pinkchip! Sometimes Corgi, I fall into thinking about him, who's he with, what girl is he trying to impress, charming them into going home together - and then I sit and think about all the bad things - all the name calling, controlling, yelling, anger and hurt. Getting Them Sober talks about our fear of loosing them to another but really, do we want them the way they are? What are we losing?

I can certainly relate to you feeling so good and carefree - the other day I went to a guy friends house uninvited, laughed and chatted with him, went on with my day then took a walk that should have taken me 15 minutes and it took 45 because of who I ran into and stood in the street talking to - afterwards remembering #1 how much I like that aspect of life, just chatting with people in town, #2 how much HE hated that aspect of my life, hated me talking to anybody, especially males, the insinuations i would get, the defending I would have to do.

I am so grateful for getting back the freedom to speak to whomever I choose and do whatever I choose without having to deal with his consequences.

Cheers!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Corgi,

So sorry that you were hit with this out of the blue. I come from a stand point of pinkchip, you really got some good confirmation that you did the right thing for you.

Hugs P :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi, it does get better in time. Try to not dwell on what happened or is happening with him. I tend to dwell and when I do, I need to call my sponsor or go to a meeting or come on here and start posting to others. Helping others helps me get out of my own head. Then the circus leaves town....

onewholovesrock · Member

I agree. Sounds like you just have more information confirming you made the right decision.

mslouise · Senior Member

Keep going Corgi2 you are doing great!!!! Let me ask you something? Why do you want to remain frieds with your ex? Besides the love you have for this person why? Does he do or provide something for you, is he someone you can count on in an emergency maybe? Does he treat you right and respectfully - like a good friend should? I wanted the same as you - when I first broke up with mine, and we have that "strength"when we are feeling strong, it seems a good idea at the time. Something maybe we think we can handle. I find that I could not. It was destructive to me even then.

And about the rumors with other girls....There is nothing wrong with you!!!! There is nothing that any of those other girls have that is any better than you. He is not choosing those girls because there is something wrong with you or something you could not do right. He is doing that because he knows you are getting STRONGER. Let him go play. Those girls will be in the same spot or worse as you were - they just don't know yet what their messin with. And if they do...then they are in the drinking/party crowd too. Let them have fun...along with the dui's and no jobs, no truthful relationships, etc. Think of it that way as you run the other way and wave with a smile!!! biggrin

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