The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I try to be open with my kids and put stuff down and use good body language when they want to talk to me. Tonight my 8 year old shared with me that a kid on his foot ball team gave him a hard time. He said the kid and him were against each other in a scrimage. They had to block each other. He said the kid got mad at him afterwards, because my son was able to tackle the other boy and do his job. The other boy stood up and stuck his tongue out at my son. My son said to the boy "Whats your problem?" and the kid said "You!". Now for a moment my old self came in and wanted to say stuff like "that kid is a jerk, whats the matter with that team, I can't believe this is happening to you" and on and on ad nauseum... but I didn't.
I am learning something here. I said to my son: If something like that happens again, you can take a deep breath and walk away. You don't have to listen to that kind of talk. Its ok for you to do that, its called a boundary. That kid probably didn't mean any thing because he was just mad that it happened, and if you let what he said bother you, it will bring you down with him. So if it happens again, you can say that "I am not going to listen to this" and walk away, or simply just walk away.
We have talked in the past about being happy on the inside, because happiness comes from inside of us. So I said to him, remember, you have to not allow people to get to you and put up a boundary that says "I will not be treated this way". When you start to do that, you will get better and better at it. And remember to be happy with who you are, from the inside because these kids can't bother someone who is happy with themself...
I thank God for this program. I feel like my parenting is improving so much and that I am better able to handle these things. My kids take karate and its funny to me that a lot of the stuff their Sensei says to them is very similar to alanon principles. Its Okinawan karate...
Thank you ... I am grateful to be here. I thank God for my kids to help me learn these new tools even more, by using them in all my affairs...
-- Edited by youfoundme on Friday 26th of August 2011 10:04:57 PM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
That's a wonderful share!! You handled that beautifully and were able to share some really important balance and wisdom with your son, along with tools he can use to avoid taking things personally or letting insults escalate into a big fight! Nice! These really are such wonderful ideas to apply in every part of life!
Hi there! We have a lot of parallels. My son is 7. I too see my parenting improving as I get better in my thinking. I love it when my son repeats back to me some of the lessons I've taught him...like most recently...."oh well Mom, at least we have a plan B!" as he handled the disappointment of Plan A not working out!!
Like your son, my son also takes Karate and I agree, it teaches him so many awesome mental messages that it is just as much about mental strength as it is about physical strength.
My only worry about my son is that he is not a talker at all. He is a kid of few words and he doesn't talk about the way he feels very much at all.
Doozy Thank you :) It really does work in all our affairs as they say ;)
Rora, my older son isn't a talker, he is now 14, and though we have an open door policy for talks, he doesn't say a lot. It takes a lot for him to actually say stuff thats hurting him. One thing I learned from a veteran mom is that kids talk in the car. There isn't anywhere for them to run off to, and when its just him and me in the car, then we talk. Thanks for your response :) Its nice to have other mom's here to relate with :)
HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Great point, I agree with you. The alanon program has not taught me how to grow up but I am learning it is teaching me how to be a parent to my children. So many of the concepts and slogans are directly applicable to their growing pangs as they were to me when I arrived in the rooms.
Today I am practicing Keep it Simple and Easy Does It with my seven year old. If I pass on what was so freely given to me, perhaps he will have better tools to rely on than the wepons of mass destruction I was using when I came into Alanon.
Yes Tommye, thats just it. I wasn't given the proper tools to live by, so now I am passing on what is freely give to me here and in meetings ;) I too carried alot of crazy coping weapons...
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
It's so great to see kids in action on that level. My kids have been doing similar moves. I notice the compassion in them both and good healthy boundaries. Their noni made the comment to me the other day that my youngest has really strong healthy boundaries in dealing with other kids. I laughed to myself, about it because it's just started recently he's been able to do that and know what he likes and doesn't. My eldest has been applying these lessons to friendships.
It's such a good feeling to know I couldn't give them that by example a year ago however they are learning something positive now. :)
Hugs again you are such a great mom to your kids!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My grown daughter told me a few weeks ago: "Dad, you never tell me what to do anymore, in the last few years have you noticed you always tell me what you did in similar situations?" As you said this program is truly a blessing, and my daughter has turned out to be a wonderful daughter inspite of me.
Your son had already won the battle during the play.....now with the program you are "coaching" him how to win the battle after the play is over.......and doing a good job I might add.
I think you have posted a great example. I too refrain from giving my son advice. I only share with him similar experiences and subsequent choices I made in that situation. I think it is the best way to parent, no advice, just passing on experience strength and hope.
Most definitely, one of the best things about the program is passing it on! Just yesterday, I was talking to my son (recovering alcoholic/drug addict and former gang member). We were talking about the past, and he flat-out said that his decisions were his decisions and had nothing to do with me - he and he alone was responsible for them, and he would have made them regardless of anything I said or did. I said that I thought he wouldn't have made some of those choices if he hadn't had to live with the consequences of MY sorry choices, which he also had to live with and which damaged him and his brother as much as me. And he said that no matter how bad my relationship with his dad might have been, he and his brother really didn't have it that bad.
After all those years of trying to give him the program, now he's really working it and sinking his roots down deep in it and giving it back to me! What more could a mother ask for?
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
