The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But I don't. My biggest issue is the fact that he hides his drinking in the late afternoon when I'm out with my son at the gym or at after school activities. Then, if I want to go to a party with my girlfriends(jewerly parties, candle parties, etc) and ds wants to go out and get food I know that my husband will need to drive. Since he's drinking in secret, how do I handle these situations? I am trying to leave the ball in his court, so to speak, and let him take responsibility for his alcohol consumption but we have a child and he is very close to his dad.
For instance, I am supposed to head out to a party at a new friend's house. We have the same interests and I'd really like to get to know her but I know that he's already finished off a 24 oz beer and I see some in the fridge that are new and chilling. My son wants to go out and get some food with dad tonight but I don't like the fact that he's already had basically 2 beers and he's on anti-depressants. I really do want to release his drinking, etc but I worry about the safety of our son and the example that is being set for him. Right now, he gets jovial when he's drinking but because of the antidepressant medication, I wonder if that will take a turn when he hits a certain point, does that make sense? I'm not even sure that my post makes sense, LOL!
Oh, I remember that with my daughter. I NEVER left her alone with her dad. I couldn't trust him to be sober and pay attention to her. I found her a few times wandering around and he had no idea where she was and had totally forgotten that he was supposed to be in charge. I took her with me everywhere. I wasn't crazy about it, but I felt I had no choice. I couldn't leave her with him. He wasn't a secret drinker, but he was a solitary drinker.... meaning he drank alone at home until he passed out.
My boundary (recently set) is that our children will not be allowed in a vehicle AH is driving if he has been drinking. This means I am willing to change my plans if I need to drive. It took me a long time to get to that point.
For example, if I want to do something and AH is supposed to be parent-in-charge, I know there is a chance I may need to cancel my plans, make other arrangements for the kids, or take the kids with me. I always have a Plan B ready to go, especially if it is something I really want or need to do. I have made the decision that my children's safety comes first and that, in the past, I have taken too many chances with their lives as my co-dependency took over my sanity.
In the sane world of serenity I am building for myself, my children don't ride in cars with people who have been drinking.
I want to repeat, though: It took me a loooonnnggg time to get to the point of setting and enforcing this boundary. It seems so simple, but it is a hard one to do.
Thanks for the replies. You know what's funny about tonight. The party I went to was about 1.5 miles away at a friends' house, all driving through my neighborhood. On my way home I got pulled over for speeding and the cop grilled me about whether I had been drinking(I hadn't) but I thought it was ironic that I was worried about my husband and his drinking and being pulled over, etc yet I'm the one who got pulled over, LOL! Oh, and he didn't give me a ticket despite the grilling he gave me! Thank goodness!
Oh, and I had to add that I made a comment about beer breath when I kissed him goodbye. Just a quick, "Hmm, what type of beer was that, that ya had?" He immediately got all defensive and said, "It was just 1(no mention of it being a 24 oz beer, LOL). I found it in the way back of the crisper." Ummm, I had to laugh. I am doing a diet right now where I'm eating mostly veggies, cheese, and proteins. I have been in and out of those crispers all week cleaning out vegetables, etc. What a stupid thing to say. I, at first, said, "I don't think so, I've been cooking vegetables all week." To which, he assured me it was there. Then, he tells me it was a Bud lite. Well, Bud lite is blue and I would have seen a blue can hiding in the fridge because of it's color. DUH. Honestly, I left for my party just shaking my head and realizing that arguing was futile and trying to get the truth just wasn't worth my time. Let him live in his lie, I need to live MY life.
Your last post, I can truly associate with. Good on you for learning to shake your head and walk away. I don't have kids so I can't give you ESH directly about what I do with my kids. I can only give you my thoughts. Dont' worry about the IF he has been drinking, he has a problem and I find I must now always assume my husband WILL use, not IF he will use. Work on that summise... and make your plans around it.
My Mum felt safe leaving me with my alcoholic Dad. She told me enough for me to know not to get in the car with him. Having said that, if I was awake, and Mum had to do something.. I went with her.
She would leave me at home on my own as a small child wiht my drunk Dad if I was asleep. This could even have been overnight. It is recently I am starting to remember crying out for my mum and getting no answer. I must have known what was going on at one stage because I ran out after her in the middle of the night with my knickers in a lunch box begging her to take me with her. She did.
I also think, although you are trying to 'let his drinking go', you have safety reasons to know if he has been drinking. Its how you react to that information that is important. Thats my opinion anyway
Ohhh ILD .. I actually started laughing about this comment of yours .. "He immediately got all defensive and said, "It was just 1(no mention of it being a 24 oz beer, LOL)" .. That is EXACTLY what my AH has done in the past. I would hear "It was 1 beer" he went into the therapists office saying that .. I just was like WOW .. that's when I knew how out of control he was. I just laughed and thought to myself what is a serving of alcohol? 6 - 8oz so no usually no one has just ONE drink.
UGH on how we allow our A's behavior to affect us, it's a good lesson to remember that if we stop focusing on ourselves that we will get into trouble!!
I have got nothing on drinking and driving the kids outside of I couldn't function if I thought that was happening, I agree with what other people have posted at this point you to just make sure it doesn't happen. Kids just have no voice they are at the mercy of their adults.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka: At least he put the can in the recycling after crushing it, thinking that I wouldn't see the bottom of the can which says 1 liter. DUH. Like I don't know that the can wasn't a normal 1 serving of beer. What really burns me(and why I have trouble walking away) is that he thinks he's getting away with something. I can just see him smirking and walking away thinking, "Well that was easy. She bought that excuse pretty quicky." I guess I feel that if I say nothing then I am the one who is perceived as a sucker and a doormat. So, I have to keep reminding myself what I'm doing here. He's a great dad and he's been much better about stuff around the house, etc since starting the anti-depressants(for now) and I need to just take it one day at a time. I don't know why I find that so hard, just finding peace with it even though I'm so ticked off that he thinks he's pulling one over on me.
I remember the days when I considered my day a success or failure if I didn't find and count to number of empty cans my wife had consumed that day. I never confronted her about her drinking, my only job was to be the detective who found the evidence. It was a game of hid and seek everyday and nine times out of ten I was successful. I took pride in it. My game and my life was centered around how many beers she had drank that day.
When I became a member of Al-Anon five years ago and heard the slogan "How Important Is It", my thinking changed. Those four words hit home with me. I retired my detective badge. I can look back and laugh at myself now when I recall cutting my index finger wide open digging through the kitchen trash after midnight searching for empty cans, or the "deer in the headlights" look that must have been on my face the night my wife came into the garage and asked what I was looking for in the backseat of her car. Who was the sick one in that picture? She was sick with her disease and I had become just as sick allowing her disease to effect and dominate my thinking and my life.
My wife still drinks. She is a good woman. She has a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that I am powerless over. She has never lied to me about her drinking because over the years I never once asked. No need. I was told early on by a lady in my home group who had years in the program......RLC that's probably the only thing you have been doing right.
I've fought all the battles we all fight. I worried about her drinking and driving. I worried about her health. I've had my share of poor me pitty parties, and I have struggled and lost all the battles more times than I care to mention.
Today I accept that I am powerless. It was not giving up, but giving in to a power greater than myself. A power that could restore me to sanity. My wife is going to do what she is going to do. The most important thing is what I decided to do almost three years ago. I turned my wife over the my Higher Power. I had done that many times in the past but would always take her back and start helping HP out by noon the following day. This time was different. This time I promised my HP she is in your hands to do with as you please and I will not take her back. My life has changed. I have serenity and peace of mind knowing she is 100% in the the best hands she could possibly be in. That has allowed me to do what I was told the first night I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon....."Always Take Care Of Yourself First". I have to ask myself, isn't this such a simple program? It is that. It also happened to be a simple program for complicated and hard headed people such as myself.
Looking back it wasn't my alcoholic trying to fool me. It was me trying to fool myself by keeping the focus on the wrong person.
. I turned my wife over night I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon....."Always Take Care Of Yourself First". I have to ask myself, isn't this such a simple program? It is that. It also happened to be a simple program for complicated and hard headed people such as myself.
Looking back it wasn't my alcoholic trying to fool me. It was me trying to fool myself by keeping the focus on the wrong person.
HUGS, RLC
Dear ilovedogs
You have received many great responses and I believe that Rodney's post jumped out at me because it identified the mind games that I use to play in order to manitain my denial and keep the focus off myself.
Keep taking care of yourself and listen for the still small voice within that will tell you all you need to know and also advise on the next right action.
What really burns me(and why I have trouble walking away) is that he thinks he's getting away with something. I can just see him smirking and walking away thinking, "Well that was easy. She bought that excuse pretty quicky." I guess I feel that if I say nothing then I am the one who is perceived as a sucker and a doormat.
Yep I can hear myself in that one. Many of the people here have helped me in the past few weeks.
they said things like, QTIP. His using has nothing to do with me. I believe he is feeling guilty and is lying because he is feeling guilty... there is a post a few weeks ago saying... if they are lying, they are feeling?????
I think now he is really lying to himself. I am of no consequence to his lies. HE, my husband, is not lying to me.... he actually doesn't feel smug... he feels terrible and guilty and he can't help it.
I have never seen him smirk after a lie, but I thought that is how he felt. Iahve seen him look very despondent though.
What really burns me(and why I have trouble walking away) is that he thinks he's getting away with something. I can just see him smirking and walking away thinking, "Well that was easy. She bought that excuse pretty quicky." I guess I feel that if I say nothing then I am the one who is perceived as a sucker and a doormat. I don't know why I find that so hard, just finding peace with it even though I'm so ticked off that he thinks he's pulling one over on me.
I paraphrased this quote of yours because I want to let you know in my experience that seriously they may think that yes, they are getting a way with something the reality is that at some point reality and their fantasy/hallucination about the "getting away with something" will crash around their ears and into their life.
I have also had to come to the conclusion of my powerlessness over the effects of alcohol in my life. I had to let go of being judge and jury. It is not up to me to hold that sword of justice. It's a sword that cuts both ways and very honestly most of the time I swung it I wound up being sliced and diced too. It also did not make me feel very good about myself after weilding it either.
Now it is so much easier to just turn the situation over to his HP (God, same as mine) and allow God's time to take place instead of trying to force situations that the consequences are not of my own making. The consequences will come.
Yes, maybe their do believe they are "getting one over" on us. I know for my AH he is fully aware of what his behavior has cost him and in no way does he feel he has "gotten away" with anything at this point. Right now he has to face a lot things that are not pretty about the events over the past 7 years.
The other thing I want to point out too, is believe me when I say, when I think about the guilt, shame and over all bad feelings that counter act the feelings of "getting away" with that one type of act. I personally would not want to carry that around with me. Even my AH seems to have a lighter step when he walks now and is not carrying the weight of his secrets. The thing is he still has more secrets than hiding his drinking during that time, he is the one who has to remember what lies he's told to what person. Lies never stay hidden forever they will eventually come out. I know that to the marrow of my bones that is totally true.
So while it may seem they are "getting away" with hiding their drinking. What is the cost of the emotional payout of that behavior really? Who is the AH hurting the most? When I look at it in those terms and know that it's really not about me, then I can look with fresh eyes at how sad it is for him to be so ill that is the best rationalization he can come up with because it's not me carrying around the negative emotions.
I hope that makes sense .. LOL .. wordy as usual :) Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
