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Hi everyone! As some of you know my ah has been in and out of 30 day rehabs since april. I had filed for divorce while he was away, but as of a few weeks ago I have dropped the divorce. I had done that before I found this site and al-anon f2f mtgs (only been to a couple). Here is my question he is a different man all the way around since returning from last rehab, for example he is more involved and helpful with me with the children their activities he seems to really care if iam stressed and what he can do to help me from day to day, (this is not at all the man i have been married to for 21 yrs) Iam not complaining at all! Iam pretty sure he has drank a few beers here and there and what is really bothering me and i dont know why is i cannot tell if he is taking pills but i can tell as soon as i see the whites of his eyes if he has been drinking even 1 beer, its like i have a radar built in me or something (iam a child of ah). I know its his business and his life, but in the past their has been infidelity. lying, taking money all due to when he is using, but not sober, so isn't it still my business, I dont know, I really dont. Its so hard for me to change, but he is really trying so hard, really? Sorry so lengthy.
It is neither good or bad. Right now it sounds like things are going well relationship-wise. As far as his addction? A few beers hear or there is a relapse. It will lead to a few more and the progression of being back to the same place again. It amazes me that people can go to so many rehabs yet not learn the basic skill of staying away from the first drink. In all my experience in AA, I have NEVER seen someone come out of rehab and suddenly learn to drink responsibly. You cannot change an orange into an apple.
Whether or not he picked up some tools for being a better husband in the meanwhile...I dunno. It would seem to me he is likely on a higher functioning period before the repeated crash that is inevitable unless the alcoholic really works a program and achieves true sobriety through an active AA program and full abstinence.
Of course you are powerless over whether he drinks and repeats the insane cycle AGAIN. Keep working on detachment and acknowledging your own choices regardless of his drinking.
Alanon meetings in real time and face to face are the way to go. We who have been there can help support you through this time. Have you been to any meetings yet? The meetings will allow you to meet people who can help you, people you can call and get you a sponsor to help you recover from the addict's ways. This is a chance to take care of you and heal you. I hope you keep coming and find a meeting for you :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Aloha Sameold... Everything changes when I change. I use to think the problem was her and her alone until I realized that being addicted to her and everything about her was my addiction and I was just as sick as she was. I use to do the "read the eye whites" thingy also and know very few members in Al-Anon who haven't. Once I got over "why do I have to come here...she's the alcoholic/addict" and started applying the program to my life everything started to fall in place for me.
If he has been drinking or drinking and drugging he will not change over night and the disease is sooooo much more powerful than yourself and does sooooo much more for him than you ever can.
Youfoundme said it all and right down the middle of my experiences. Get into the face to face meetings of Al-Anon and sit down, listen (with an open mind), learn and practice, practice, practice. There's alot of peace of mind and serenity waiting for you as you do that for yourself whether he drinks/uses or not.
I think it is your business in as far as decisions are concerned. For instance, if you think he's been drinking or is impaired, you wouldn't ride in the car with him driving, or let your children do so. If you're deciding whether to stay in the relationship or get a divorce, that would be vital information. For instance, if you had decided that it was your bottom line that you couldn't stay in the marriage when he's practicing his addictions, and then he went into recovery, and all was well, but then he relapsed, that would be important information for making your decision.
Once you know that he's doing his substances, though, Al-Anon encourages us not to snoop or keep track. Because we know that's what addicts do. They do their addiction. So if you know he's still an active addict, it's just further crazy-making to be wondering all the time. We know the answer.
As for the rest, I do think that sometimes it is our business, as I said. My exAH would always try to imply that I was delusional: "You should get some help for that problem you have where you always imagine I'm drinking." And I began to doubt myself -- maybe I was hypersensitive and delusional? When I found the stash of bottles in the basement, I knew I could trust my conclusions. That was helpful. But to keep checking that stash wouldn't have been helpful.
My 2 cents -- take what you like and leave the rest.
for my 2 cents worth... I have recently discovered that I find it important for me toknow if my husband has been using. I don't snoop to find out, I now ask him, and guess what, when I changed what I did wit that information, how I reacted to it, he started telling me the truth more often. How did I know he was lying... same way you know... I only snooped to confirm it and validate myself. I can validate myself in other ways now. Being smart enough to know that he is smoking, and when he has smoked by his actions, his look and the fact that he is an addict and that is what they do. What is my point... ummm... I so fully agree with Mattie.
Knowing that he is drinking is one thing..... checking up on how much is another....how you react to that knowledge is the most important thing
I am sure you have better things to do than check out the whites of his eyes if he drinks there is nothing you can do about it .. it is what it is . this disease dosent let go easily . continue to take care of you financially pay the bills so that you have a comfy place to live protect yourself emotionally by attending more meetings detach with love enjoy the new MAN in the house as long as you take care of you , regardless of what he does YOU will be okay .
I know its his business and his life, but in the past their has been infidelity. lying, taking money all due to when he is using, but not sober, so isn't it still my business, __________________________ It is hard to have your own life when it intersects with his life and then you are told that it's his business and not your business..... so confusing. But you already know the answers. Of course where your lives intersect it IS your business. The bills have to be paid. You have to believe and trust him or not believe and trust him. You have to protect yourself from STDs from him if he plays around on you. You have to protect your bank accounts if he spends too much. All this intersects your life. But if he wants to drink or use and be stupid and sleep outside or ruin his health? There is nothing you can do. Your job is to protect yourself from his stupidity. It sounds like he is a great hubby right now. Enjoy it but don't expect that it will last. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. That's why we live one day at a time. Enjoy today while you can. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.... oh, but then it will be today. One day at a time.
if he drinks there is nothing you can do about it .. it is what it is . this disease dosent let go easily . continue to take care of you financially pay the bills so that you have a comfy place to live protect yourself emotionally by attending more meetings detach with love enjoy the new MAN in the house as long as you take care of you , regardless of what he does YOU will be okay .