The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I tried to reach out to a couple of trusted individuals yesterday, which also got me through. I decided to spend the last two nights sleeping in a different bedroom. I know my AH is angry, but it would be a big deal for me to do that and not feel guilty about it! I see that, and I'm trying hard not to let him bother me.
Today I feel as I have many mornings: ill. My immune system is ramped up (I have a physical condition that is exaccerbated by it, that's how I know), and so I sort of feel like I have mono (in case anyone can relate!). I had a massive headache this morning, probably from the stress, which felt like a migraine. I wasn't sure what to do about work. Again, I have to go through a major process to do this, lots of self talk, lots of "are you just doing this because you're an adult child of an alcoholic? Should you take care of yourself? You're failing, K, if you don't put work first." But, I stayed home, and am going in this afternoon now that I'm physically feeling better. I have this intense fear of losing my job. So, if my life is going to be a series of crises, I feel like I should learn how to deal with it. I want to be able to take care of my daughter.
It's difficult to not feel angry. My whole life is rocked by someone else's alcoholism. Of course, that person blames me for everything, because I'm an ACOA. And still, I'm expected to be the one to cope and be healthy.
I do believe that I deserve better than what I'm doing to myself, and definitely than what I am partnered with in life. I've spoken with shelters, and will pack a bag to stash somewhere. My in-laws would just tell me to come back to their house though, if I feel in danger.
A thought: Do any of you have memories of periods in your life that were, well, healthier - maybe even healthy? I do. I really do. Some from childhood, many that I created for myself by working on my issues and vowing to make changes. I really remember having more joy, even some peace. I think if I can remind myself that those things don't just get erased because I'm in my marriage, perhaps they can help motivate me.
Looking forward to a meeting tonight. I wish you all the best.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Hi K, yes I do have lovely memories of my carefree childhood, and as I am working through this programme, it amazes me how those things that I looked upon as sad horrible times, are what I draw upon now to see how far I have come, it's hard to explain that for such along time I felt I was only all of my worries and that was all I was, I have started to thankgod every morning for all the good in my life, when I have a not so good day, I examine why, and often I can see I was probably getting involved in something that wasn't about me, or any of my buisiness, I never belived I could be happy wether the alchoholic was drinking or not, how could I, i never was, and then I started to take care of myself, and I stopped noticeing things and I wasn't getting so bogged down with other peoples problems, and suddenly I was handing over responsibility to those i thought needed me to care take them, and low and behold, they started to change too, right before my very eyes, and yep they stuff up sometimes just like me, but it doeasn't matter, we can just start over, it's hard now to remember how awful the bad times were, and to be honest I don't want to, I just want to hang on to being my own person and being the best I can be, regardless of anyone else, it's way better, and I know it really does work if you work it, and your worth it, keep on keeping on!
I really like what both you and Katy said, about going through hard times and remembering the good.
Quick tip for headaches: when I have a migraine, and have to be up during the day, I wear blue sunglasses indoors. Something about that tint mutes the 'volume' of the world but I can still see. They can be super cheap glasses, too, it's the blue that counts. No cure of course, but it eases my headache days just a bit.
Cue joke here about needing blue sunglasses for my BRAIN to turn down the volume of worried thoughts....!
Klotus - I can relate to the feelings of your body taking the toll of someone else's disease. I too got to the point where I feared for my job. I found myself making mistakes, forgetting things, even though I always made it to work. Some days I was exhausted from being up all night fighting with AH. I realized I couldn't jeopordize my job. It would be too much to lose since I am close to having enough time to retire. It told my AH that it was effecting my job too and I think he heard me because he backed off. I also realized I better take care of me and me first. I went to counseling, talked to the women's shelter and planned for having to leave. I took the steps to give myself an emergency fund, bag and the number of the shelter if I needed it. I am beginning to understand that Only I can control my behavior and how I feel. So when I start feeling icky and down I just refocus. I read my books, listen to uplifting music or call a friend or go to a meeting. It is sometimes hard to just get out of bed in the morning, but I have to take responsibility for my outlook regardless. If he's bringing me down, I remove myself from the situation. Refocus refocus... that is my mantra. So I hope you find some peace, get to feeling better and are able to really enjoy your weekend with peace and serenity. And when I start to feel angry I remembe that bitterness and anger are a poison that eats at the vessel. I think of it as acid in a vase that is eating away at it. I am the one that ultimately gets damaged in anger and bitterness.
I am glad to hear you are going to a meeting tonight :) Thats awesome! You are doing all the right things for you right now. Taking care of yourself is most important. Keep coming :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I do remember good times... when I really look at them I realise they were times when my partners, or others. were being good to me. Now I am trying to create my own good times regardless of others.
I am finding it very very hard as I have never done this before in my life.
Take it one day at a time it's the best we have got. I relate to what OG said about taking responsibility for my part and taking my AH out of the equation. I find that helps me sooo much to put the situation into perspective and if I need to tell myself I am upset, that's ok I will address it at a later time during the same day just not right that moment. Sometimes it is something I need address other times I find that it's really me putting a lot of energy into something I already have the answer to.
Take care of yourself, I hope you can get some rest. Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
