The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this forum and have just started attending Alanon meetings. Feeling very down now. AH and I separated last month (not legally, he went to live with his mom) after his alcoholism got out of control and he landed in the hospital detoxing a week. He is in an outpatient rehab and attends AA, but has still had one relapse since (that i know of) and his job is in peril.
Problem is, my family (esp. mom), who I know just loves me and wants me and my son to be happy, are just not delivering the message the right way. My mom is afraid I will "take him back," and so constantly says hurtful things to me about him, hoping that this will make me leave for good.
At my meeting yesterday they recommended not to do anything drastic for 6 months. I try to live day by day. I don't know if I will get back with AH. I can't even go there now. It's only been about a month since his "explosion." When I tried to explain to my mom that she was just pouring salt in my wound, she got more indignant and insulting. Hard enough to deal with this w/o pain, anxiety, and not knowing what I will do. Mom is just trying to protect me, but it's just not coming out right.
How do I deal with the anger/pain towards AH on one hand, and the anger my family is directing towards him, but through me? So so hard.
Hi nyc - how close are you to your family? My family was the same way, as I would guess most partners of A's family's would be, on the loved one's side. I just distanced myself from them, talked other stuff mostly, occasionally venting to them but for the most part, staying in my little corner getting through one day at a time. I use my answering machine to screen calls, if I'm not in the mood to deal with mom's concern "live", I don't. Sometimes, a lot of times, it is easier to "talk" to her via messenger - typed out rather than verbal. Physical distance makes it easier to keep the distance real, they all live 30-100 miles away so I can't go down and visit much. It helps.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It's never easy to be between two loved ones. Sometimes the best way to deflect a conversation is just to say "You might be right" and walk away. Especially if you don't wish to engage at that time. Then go out and read a book, or just change the subject and leave the room. People really don't have much to say after telling them they MAY be right .. lol. It's a show stopper. Others have some wonderful nice things that can be said to redirect a conversation.
As far as the anger with your AH that is going to take time and working your program. Something that has helped me is that I had to remember that my AH's issues are not personally directed towards me. I QTIP the situation, (Quit Taking It Personally). His drinking and addiction has nothing to do with me personally. The 3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you won't cure it. It helps me to put myself in the place of powerlessness over his addiction. It's just so not about me. Trust me, I'll lay odds you are chaffing to say, but we're married of course it's about me. It's not. It's taken me a long time to get to that place.
There are some great books to read, Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew. Co-Dependent No More, Melodie Beattie.
It does get better. I'm with my AH, he's not actively drinking however not actively seeking treatment either. I know other people in the program and on the boards who have stayed with active A's and all I can suggest is that everyone is different. That's ok. You have to do what works for you regardless of what other people say. People say really stupid things about many different situations. It's not out of ignorance they just want to help.
This is strictly a time for you to work on you and focus on right now and not the future what might be's or what if's.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pretty difficult stuff. Of course your family is angry. They have a reason to be.
Detaching from an alcoholic takes a lot of work. None of us are perfect.
I think its a good idea not to make a change for 6 months. At the same time some of us do make a plan be. What would it be for you to leave him. What would it involve.
Perhaps if you were to share with your mother you were making a plan be that might help assuage her pressure to drive you from him.
Making a plan be doesn't mean you carry it out. It means you have it as an option. Personally I made one for a long long time. Somehow my attitude changed when I was making it and I shifted into detachment.
I have spent years and years arguing with alcoholics and people around them. An Alcoholic is generally at the center of a lot of turmoil. I think its pretty difficult not to be caught up in it. The moments we can detach can grow. I can get caught up in a second.
Practice detaching from your mother as much as you have from your boyfriend/husband.
Thanks. I am quite close to them. It's a push/pull thing - I talk to my mom every day and confide in her, but it has a habit of biting me in the butt when I do. So I will try, try to keep my discussions about other things. As for AH, that's another thing. Really one day at a time is all we can do. So hard.
Thanks all for your replies and good insights. Pushka, I just ordered Staying Sober, Vol. 4. The one about relationships/separation. I'm looking forward to getting it. Incidentally, AH just called me while on break from his rehab session. Hopefully between my therapist, AlAnon, and the support on these boards things will start to get easier, the "fog" will lift and the focus will shift to the here and now and not the never ending what-if's.
It is a good plan not to discuss things with your family because as you say, it bites you in the butt. We tend to share all the negative things that family will hold on to. If you should happen to get back together it can be pretty tense. Alanon is a safe place to share and work out your feelings with people that can understand.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I couldn't agree agree with Christy more. Wise words to consider taking to heart. Your Mother loves you and wants only the best for you, but members of Al-Anon understand you and will support you as perhaps no one else can.
YES! If there is one thing that I wish I could do all over again it is that I would NOT talk to my family members about my A! I've gotten back with him and I'm thankful that my family treat him with great respect. But I know they remember what transpired.
Not good to share with family members, especially mothers! (I shared with my stepmom, who is somewhat like a friend - but still somewhat like a mother too - wish I had never done that).
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi and welcome here :) MIP is a great place to share and learn about alanon. GOing to real time face to face meetings are what was suggested to me when I got here. I started to do that off and on and then finally began to go in earnest. I got a sponsor and am on step 1. I am powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable... I agree with Christy and RLC. It is better to not tell everyone every thing. I have learned that. My family does not need to know whats going on, because they are not supportive in any way in this case. I go to alanon for support, love and encouragement. As an Alanon person, I was always telling people things, too many things about myself. I have learned I don't have to do that. It is better to not say anything. I keep it light now, talk about the weather, and things that are not important. I go to my sponsor and this board with the stuff that has to do with addiction and me learning to concentrate on me. I was taught the three C's: I can't cure them, control them and I didn't cause them to drink. I am learning to let go and Let GOD (my higher power as I understand) take care of things. I can't force him to stop, yell at him, give him the silent treatment, coerce, talk to, lecture etc, cuz it doesn't work. He is going to do what he is going to do. I am a grateful member of alanon. And I try to take my time to make decision now, unlike before, I would rush into things. Now I am going slower... Take care of you! HUGS Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
The best way to keep family out of your business is to tell them nothing about what is going on between you and your husb ..talk to your new al anon friends they understand and do not give advice .. tell Mom that for now you are keeping an open mind and that your finding support in this program and ask that she respect your decission and support it . keep it simple
