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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> 21 days
Post Info TOPIC: 21 days
Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 741
Date:
21 days
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I looked at my profile

I joined this group 21 days ago.  three small weeks.  It feels like so much longer.  The truth is it is open at work all day long and am on here for hours at a time reading.  If my boss knew... woops!!!!

 

21 days ago I was spinning out of control.  I was checking up on my husband (pot smoker) constantly.  Daily.  I was NEEDING to KNOW how much he smoked, how often, I was weighing his stash regularly to find out how much he had gone through.  A daily ritual. I went into his drawer more often than he did!!!!  I tried to make plans for us to decrease the likelihood of him smoking.  I was trying to compromise and reason with him.  It felt like a punch in the stomach if he had a smoke, even if I wasn't home.  A 830am session on pot!! what the..... I didn't understand it and I saw it as a bottom of th ebarrel thing to do... OMG!!! what is going on?????

 

It has come to my attention that I now do not have a burning NEED to look in his drawer every day now.  I think about doing it every day nearly.  I don't have a desire to come home at lunch time to check it.  I haven't pulled the house apart to find a secret stash.  I have spun out of control only a few times.  I have had only a couple of serious bouts of pity and depression and wanted to jump out the nearest window. 

I have the opinion that what he does when I am not there is none of my business.  If he wants to get so smashed he can't move, I don't really care if I am at work, it doesn't affect me.  go for it.  He doesn't do that at all, he has a buzz to get ready to go to work and an hour later he is at work.  I think its down right stupid.... but I am not an addict to pot am I.

I have concluded that he is addicted.  He is a cannabis addict that does not smoke every day, but it is his first love in his life.  He thinks about her every day.  I think about her every day.

I have concluded that I cannot communicate effectively to my husband when the addiction monster is in attendance.  If the topic is cannabis smoking, or drugs of any sort, it is not my wonderful husband I am talking to.  It is a spoiled childlike creature that WILL get its own way, because my husband can't see it so therefore cannot discipline it.  Kinda like alien in my mind.

I have discontinued my deeply perverted relationship with the drawer. 

I feel comfortable with that.  Goal one achieved in three weeks.biggrin

The next move is very scarey for me however.doh  Him smoking when I AM home.

Am I over reacting to his smoking on a Sunday afternoon.  I see the disease is progressing, but he does not, he denies having a problem at all.  His new pattern is smoking every Sunday when we are home together busy or not busy doing stuff.  This has been happening for over 2 months and it is a progression which he does not see even when given facts in black and white.  The monster is stupid apparently (in a cunning and clever way)

so... I am working on my ACoA issues at this point.  WHY is it so important to ME that he isn't stoned.  The first thing that comes to mind is.. because he promised this wouldn't happen and it is happening. 

For ME, I don't really care that its illegal, that is not a real issue for me, I know it woudl be for some.  I also think, it lasts only a few hours, its cheap, it isn't killing his liver, for now it is only one cone and he is smashed so minimal health impacts.  Minimal mental health impacts (depression if he smoked every day, he does say he sometimes feels more side effects than he used to depending on what he is smoking) at this point, he is happy to still do things with me, he is certainly not abusive. Soooo.... hmmmmm....

Am I just being stubborn?  Can I accept it as it is for what it is.  I find come Tuesday, I am thinking about his smoking ont he weekend coming.  I have planned to go to the movies wit a friend adn I have some study to do during the day and we have work to do around the house.  HE WILL SMOKE.  At this point I want to accept that for what it is.  How do I keep the smile on my face?  I have alternative activities planned for ME.  He will smoke at the end of the day when we are settling down to relax for the end of the weekend. 

I can't compromise with him and ask that he not, becasue he has proven he will.  I want to spend time with my husband, not the addiction.  Last sunday I said to him that I wanted him to think about how much he was smoking.  He shocked me and really hurt my feelings when he walked in smashed at 5pm.  I don't wan tot be hurt again.  I am making teh assumption he will be stoned,  what am I going to do about it?  As I said, I have things planned.  I have things to DO, but how am I supposed to FEEL?  I'm a bit scared about trying to change. hmmm childhood issues... what a drag

A work in progress.....



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Linda - a work in progress
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

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It sounds as if your recovery is really getting strong.

I can hear you mulling over the question of whether his smoking in your house, or with you present, is okay or not okay.  And the question: since he's going to do it (because he's an addict), does that mean it has to be okay?

Different people find different answers to these questions.  For me, I couldn't tolerate being around my A when he's practicing his addictions.  It would be like my husband having an affair with a woman and inviting her over to spend the afternoon with us. 

The question for me then is, What kind of boundary can I set where I won't put up with something that's intolerable to me?  It took me a long, long time to figure out the boundaries.  My exAH knows never to drink in my presence now.  I'll put distance between us faster than you can blink.  It's easier, of course, because we don't live together, so he can't force the issue.  But that was my limit.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.



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Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

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Mattie wrote:

 

I can hear you mulling over the question of whether his smoking in your house, or with you present, is okay or not okay.  And the question: since he's going to do it (because he's an addict), does that mean it has to be okay?

 

Thanks

it is our house, not just mine, but yes, when we are doing things together.  does that mean it has to be ok??? not sure..

does it mean it has to NOT be ok too????

I truly would like things to go back to how theywere prior to our wedding when it was occassional use with long episodes of abstinence in between.  i found I could accept that, but there is no way he is considering that now.  He said so himself.

If I concentrate on the behaviour when he is stoned, is he intolerable.. nope he isn't.  He is fine.  I am not sure what I hate, but I do know it scares the bejeesus out of me.  The worse bit.. I don't even know what I am scared of????

 



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Linda - a work in progress
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Linda, I can see several things about the situation that make it so that it is highly upsetting to you:

1. He's your husband and wont compromise on this issue or change.
2. Your parents were addicts/alcoholics and that makes his use even more troublesome
3. Nobody enjoys being powerless over things they don't like
4. You have your own struggles to deal with (I think you described weight as an issue) and seeing him just give in and smoke pot whenever he feels might seem invalidating to your own struggles...


I might be reaching on that last one. Either way, all of those are good enough reasons to have negative feelings like you do. BUT, none of them are good enough to go nuts over and to throw away your serenity. That is why you came here and that is why you are getting better right? So....stop questioning why and just focus on the solution. You are doing good.

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youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

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Linda, did you get that book Getting Them Sober? Just a thought... its helped me. Even though today I am still feeling crumby about some stuff, I know that I can't control him, or the weather... :) HUGS! keep coming, glad you made it 21 days... hear's your 21 day chip! LOL... Hugs

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
oldgraduate


Senior Member

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Linda - I think we joined MIP right about the same time and I am very proud of your progress. I have similiar struggles which my AH, he drinks instead of smokes. I no longer look for the empty bottles or ask him if he drank. When he does , I think I know it. I am tempted to get in his face for a kiss to confirm, but it seems so obvious. He no longer drinks in my presence and I hardly ever drink so we dno't have it in the home and we don't drink most places we go. Just releasing that has been a big help to ME. It makes me feel more empowered over how I deal with MY life! And like you, I do get concerned over long term effects. I know drinking can lead to health issues and mental issues. So I take it to my HP to heal him and pray that he won't get that far. So far what I know indicates his drinking is way on the decline. So that's prayers answered. Keep up the good work and keep coming here. I am encouraged by your progress.

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OG
Ruby


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My b/f smoke pot for medical rreasons and has a card for that purpose.  I don't like it, but I let him smoke outside the house, I don't allow any type smoking in my house and he drink beer in moderation.  I would prefer he not do either, I tell myself that if this become a problem where it interferes with my senerity I'll have to end the relationship.  In this life I now believe adults have the right to do whatever they want and I have the right to chose what I want in my life.  At first I was conflicted about this because both my children or al/ad, I asked him not to do it aroud them, so far this has not been a problem.  I'm having fun and enjoying myself I even have a glass of wine once in a awhile.  So I wanted to say in a nice way "get over it" I hope this doesn't hurt your feeling..... With love...R



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Kisplease
Debilyn


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Many of us decide to make boundaries over that which we will not live with. As far as smoking in the house, we share the air, it is our lungs.

I would never be able to live with someone who smoked pot in the house. I would be loaded all the time!

It does compromise our lives, our lungs are very thin,with tiny little strands of tissue that pull in oxygen. Believe me pot or cig smoke is NOT good for them!

He sounds like a nice guy, maybe if you put it to him in a health aspect he may be more willing to give a little.

You guys had a special connection. Linda i think I shared with you how when someone uses it dulls their senses, it black out emotions. So our connection with them is not there. I know I found it horribly scarey. My A and I were so close all our lives. Then it was gone. I was in denial for a year plus!

We tend to look ahead and then get anxious. The week end is not here yet. we have no idea what it will bring. You may feel different, he may smoke and be fine.

Maybe he will agree to smoke outside or in just one room with a window open door closed.

Little things at a time. It is scarey too as we see them doing it more and more. the person we knew and loved just slips away.

I bet you Linda if my ex AH passed me on the sidewalk he would not recognize me. That is how bad he is.

It helps to take a day at a time. Love the person as is. We can't change them anyway so we must change ourselves. Change how we look at things if we want to stay with them. I sure know how you feel. I would LOVE to have the husband/friend/confidant/budi I married before the brain surgery and relapse. Its so hard to face they won't be back. I dream of that man sometimes and it reminds me of who he used to be.

I always say the only part of him that used to be is in my heart!

glad you have stuck here! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 741
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thanks

I seemed to have said what I thought was a positive post into a negative one.  It must be the way I say it.

Debilyn, when I say in my house... I mean when I am home.  He sits on the balcony and it is one cone.  I am no where near it and it is in open air. 

Ruby - My goal is to 'get over it'.  I am not offended.  I know he is an addict for the pot due to his attitude toward it.  It is my background that is affecting this I think.

OG - thanks!!! Im pretty proud of what I have done in the past 21 days also.

You found me - I have to buy those books online as no bookstore in Darwin stocks that kind of thing.  So far I have spent over $200 on the books I have bought.  I will get to that one when I have paid a few more bills, thanks.

 

Pinkchip - As always, insightful.  The last one is more about "he gets to do whatever he wants when ever he wants and have fun and doesn't have to answer to anyone or be responsible for anyone, or consider anyone, and I can't"  The more I am reading ACoA stuff, this is a typical response and attitude for me.  I find it hard to relax and have fun.  I am the superresponsible one... always...

 



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Linda - a work in progress
youfoundme


~*Service Worker*~

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I get books on amazon.com. They are cheap there... you are doing great :) I was merely suggesting it again, because that book has saved me... I don't buy new books, I get used. In fact, I got such an old copy of One day at a time, I wonder who had it before me and what they are doing now... it would be cool if the book could tell me :) LOL... Anyway, keep coming, you are a MIP!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 741
Date:
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yes I too get the books from Amazon. I have bought 6 so far and with the postage... I couldn't get the ACoA book on Amazon when I looked, I had to buy that from the headquaters. Postage overseas was more than the book cost!!!!!

Thanks for your ESH

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Linda - a work in progress
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