The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother, age 34, finally decided to go to a sober living home after we (3 friends of his and I) had an intervention w/ him. He's been there for 2 weeks. My father agreed to pay for it, hoping he'll be able to start paying his rent within 3 months. He has 2 warrants out for his arrest b/c of 2 unresolved DUIs.
He is doing SO WELL (helping out, going "above and beyond"), but he does not want to stay b/c he can't have his dog.... I told him our dad won't pay for another home unless it is within the county where he will settle his legal situation. Our dad paid over $12,000 to lawyers over 2 years ago to get these DUIs settled, but my brother didn't follow through w/ the classes, saying that since he was unemployed, he had no money for the fees or transportation (there is ALWAYS some excuse). Our dad (and I agree) thinks that he won't follow through if he is 2 hrs or more away, plus the sober living where he is at is so good, so well structured, and has a really good relationship and history w/ the courts.
So right now he is going to look for more homes within his county... I hope we find something.... My bro is so negative about it, saying he already looked and there was nothing except really expensive places.... He asked if our dad would be willing to pay for it, but really, it's HIM who is supposedly supposed to pay for it soon!!
I guess I just wanted to vent... my husband doesn't seem to have the patience for this. I just feel really alone. I try to talk it out, but I feel like my husband doesn't want to hear it, my dad just seems to give orders, and I don't want to talk about it at work - I just want to focus on work to get away....
I would suggest all the affected family members begin to attend Al-Anon meetings to learn to be emotionally heathly themselfs and to begin to learn to detach from the alcoholic's behavior.
Your brother doesn't sound too serious about recovery or taking over his own problems. Why should he? Daddy will take care of it!
Welcome and I hope you will keep coming back and stick around. There are soooo many wonderful wise people here on the boards.
Believe it or not your situation is not unique, our stories may differ however the core issues of dealing with an addict are strikingly similar. My AH is on his 3rd DUI (only 1 shows up so of course that's the only one that counts) anyway, point being I kept hearing over and over how the DUI didn't cost us anything. I just couldn't wrap my mind around what he was saying. He thought he would get out of it. As it happens his dad has always taken care of his legal stuff so imagine his surprise when his dad paid for the lawyer and this didn't go away and YES .. now we/he is paying for it. It has hit in differently than the other things in the past this time around because we are going into thousands of dollars by the time this is all said and done.
Going to alanon (and coming here to the boards) is the only thing that has kept me grounded. I hope you will consider finding a meeting in your area. The lessons we learn are not always easy, it totally makes a difference in how I'm coping and helping my children. Ironically it's also helping my AH. He has not run out to AA, at least he's watching me and seeing that things are different in our lives.
3 C's totally apply, You can't control the addiction, you did not cause the addiction and you will not cure the addiction. You can get help to learn how to deal with the insanity of addiction.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Alanon is the solution for you. My 2 cents on him is that he is giving in to his disease by making excuses to want to leave halfway after 2 weeks. With his history, he needs to be there 6 months. That is standard length of stay in halfway. His excuse about the dog is insane....He has a life and death disease and he doesn't want to treat it because of his dog? It doesn't make much sense when put that way does it?
Hi Jess, Maybe your brother does miss his dog. I miss my dogs terribly even if I'm away for a weekend. And maybe it's just an excuse to get out of the sober home. A's are great at making excuses. I agree that your brother doesn't seem very serious or committed to his recovery. It sounds like he's never had to face the consequences of his actions, someone else always bails him out. But that's his problem, it doesn't have to be yours. Alanon can help you learn how to deal with the situation by focusing on you and getting yourself healthy. I know, you're probably saying ¨But I'M not the one with the problem!¨ But living/dealing with an alcoholic or addict can make us crazy. Sometimes it happens over a long period of time so that we don't even notice it. Keep coming back, there is so much help here.
I commend you for seeking out help. You're aware that things are not healthy for your brother.
I have no doubt that your brother misses his dog. However, his wanting to leave the sober living facility because of his dog reflects his lack of seriousness about his recovery.
Your dad, I'm sure, is well meaning. However, bailing him out is enabling him to continue down a dangerous road.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings? Have you read any of the literature? I highly recommend you seek out a meeting in your area. Also, I hope you spend some time on this board reading prior posts.
Reading the literature is quite helpful to me; however, I discovered 6 months ago that I needed meetings to actually gain the confidence to implement the changes that I needed in order to get peaceful with my life. As I sit and listen to other members' shares at meetings, my confidence grows. I tell myself that if others can do it, so can I.
I need real, live people sharing their experience, strength and hope. This board is great and I treat it as a supplement to meetings. My growth really didn't begin to "sprout" until I began meetings.
Glad you found us. Hope you keep coming back!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I guess someone is taking care of his dog for him. So he doesn't have to worry about that part.
Dealing with an alcoholic who is in denial is pretty difficult stuff. Of course people around you are exasperated.
I would really recommend getting a hold of the book Getting them Sober. One of our members used to offer it. That is a great resource for getting to detachment.
In Al anon we adopt the three C's, we didnt' cause it, we can't cure it and we definitely can't control it.
If your brother does not want to be in a program he isn't going to be. He can come up with a zillion excuses. Some of them are highly probable.
The issue is to not let your life be taken over by this and of course this is tremendously difficult. I struggle with the issue still as I live around alcoholics and probably work with a few too!
Glad you are here. Keep posting. No one here is going to judge you, minimize the issues or do anything but support you. This is a good place to come to.
Thank each and every one of you so very much... This has already been of great help. I am totally new to all of this, b/c I have really been in denial up until now. All the terms and resources you are noting are new to me, and I greatly appreciate your help. I will definitely "get on it." I am very touched and grateful. I have been feeling alone with all this, but not anymore... I have been reading other posts and already learning a lot, I wish I could also make a helpful comment, but I don't feel like I'm "there" yet. :) Thank you!! Jess
