The material presented
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Well, I am really, really missing my ex abf lately. Tonight has been really tough. I'm posting here because I know you guys will understand and because I'm dangerously close to contacting him and I don't think that would do anything good.
we had about 3 years together and family weekends with his kids. We were all really close and had a lot of fun. I really, really loved him. I think he loved me too, probably as much as he could, but he also loved beer and pot. I came to understand his daily habits were powerful addictions and that he would have to choose to deal with those issues, that there was nothing more I could do or be. Our relationship couldn't be what I needed if he was going to escape with a buzz every day. he was not available to me and we weren't really planing a future together.
I finally found the will and strength to end things, but it was really that I hit my own bottom in terms of what I would or could tolerate. There were a lot of good things in our time together, but I needed real love and availability from him that he couldn't give.
So now I really miss him. I'm truly heart broken. I know I did the right thing for me. I know it will get better in time. The grief comes and goes. It's just a couple rough days right now and I feel really sad and angry. My heart feels like it will never get better, but I know it will. I also battle those Questions and feelings, why didn't he choose me? Did he ever really love me? Why did I stay so long? was I a fool? Is he with someone new already? And, maybe worst of all is that little nagging crazy hope that it's not really all that bad and he will get over it and come riding in on a white horse with a diamond ring.
Ooohh, alanon is so the right place for me! I did make a f2f today, so that's good.
Praying for wisdom, strength and patience and to stay away from him and continue along this healing path. One day at a time...
It's hard, but in my experience it does get a teeny weeny better each day. It helps to stay busy. And not to get too HALT -- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
It also helped me to make a long list of all the bad things about the relationship with my addict. My mind dwelled on the good times -- it was the good times I was missing. I sure wasn't missing the bad times. Somehow I had a tendency to erase the bad times and think over the good times minute by minute, as if they were 99% of the relationship, which was definitely not the case. Anyway, I made a long list of all the bad things, and that brought me up short a number of times when I was about to relapse. Did I really want to go back to that pain and insanity? Did I really think it would be any different this time?
So glad you are taking good care of youself. Hugs.
There is nothing wrong with you that you are unlovable. You were absolutely in a no win situation, the addiction is (until he finds recovery) will always be his first love.
I thought, seriously believed I was "special" because my AH lied to me. I really had it in my head he lied only to me. How distorted is that kind of thinking? There was something wrong with me that he would lie to me. Maybe I'm just that hard of a person. Maybe I just really was that unlovable that this man would only lie to me and no one else? It was horribly confusing. When I realized that he wasn't just lying to me, it was everyone, I do mean everyone! Mother, police, lawyer, friends, our kids, me and the list goes on from there, I was sooooo relieved. It was really the addiction and not that I don't have my flaws .. lol .. it's not me or just me.
I had a point .. crud .. lol .. oui .. ok, point came back, .. lol .. point being, it's not just you he's going to do this dance with. Even if he finds sobriety, even if he finds someone else while he's sober it's not a reflection of you or on you. It's God's timing and I saw a saying here the other day .. I love it too, God is never late, He always runs right on His time. (I might have flipped a couple words) Your ex will only find sobriety when he is ready and if he is ready. It's so not you.
By the way what Mattie said x10!! Sometimes I think we feel that kind of regret because we are healing and it's actually grief we are feeling for the loss of something we know has run it's course.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know what it is like to miss the A also. I did for sooo long. Tooo long. And unlike you, I would occasionally hit the panic button and contact him and pretend that things could be different. They were never different. It just prolonged the insanity for far too long.
Today, I've been "sober" from the A for several months and I have never felt better. I think of him. I wish that he were well and making different choices, but I am completely detached and I don't miss him at all. I miss sometimes what I thought we had, but I don't miss him, because he is NOT what I thought we had at one time.
Keeping yourself from making decisions that you know are not right for you puts you way ahead of the game. Good on you.
Thank you all for your messages of support! It really means so much to me and again, I'm very thankful for this board. It's hard to make these changes, even though they are so good, and weekends are especially hard. I miss him and our good times so much! I think of him in most of my still moments these days, when I wake up, when I go to sleep, etc. BUT, I know that I've done the right thing and I should not contact him. It would not be good for me, it would only stir up what should be healing for both of us, and prolong the insanity just like you said!
In our last text message correspondence a month ago, he said he wanted to come over and I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I told him that if he didn't know what he wants and doesn't take his drinking seriously, then I don't want to be together. (I was proud I stood my ground) He did not write back or call me after that. The silence speaks a thousand words, saying things I already know, if I'll just listen and accept them. He does not know what he wants besides to continue drinking and have me making his life peachy without asking much from him. I still have not heard from him. I need to accept it. I'm powerless over him and his addictions and he probably is too. The disease has a hold of him and only he and God can work that out. I need to get out of the way and on with my own life.
Easier said than done, but I know it will get better. It's not easy, but I'm on the right track.
