Suggestions for anger? - Al-Anon Family Group

rara avis · Senior Member

Suggestions for anger?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs!! :)

I'm sooo glad to hear you have found a meeting that's great!! I try and focus on anything that is not my AH. LOL .. imagination is good for me, at least it's not my AH and I am more able to NOT focus on him. I picked the POC truck that is in the yard. I know .. I've posted about it before seriously it's better than being furious with a person, I'll pick the thing. I can also laugh at myself when I feel myself getting ridiculously mad. If we really lived out in the boonies, I would seriously kick the tires. I'm to afraid what the neighbors would think .. dang it! :)

At least though I just try and use that to deal with the anger and even grief that I have, I try and verbalize it here to the best of my ability without sounding like a looney. I've also started to be able NOT to take things personally, for me that has made a huge difference. I can see what is his disease and where my codependent issues kick in and that relieves me as well. I take my anger seriously, however I have stopped taking myself so seriously, not everything is really worth getting angry about. I have no idea if that makes sense or not?? Something about not having to take on his stuff really has been freeing. Then I see the truck and think dang that truck. I can give it my evil eye all I want. :) I just posted this today the God of my understanding has a wicked sense of humor and that totally works on my anger. It's hard to be angry when I'm laughing at myself over something I did, said or even think especially about the truck .. LOL!

I've got some good fantasies going on trust me, AH often wonders what I'm thinking and I get that maybe it's time for me to move the truck look .. LOL! :)

Hugs P :)

-- Edited by Pushka on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 04:57:19 PM

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I work in my garden. I guess that could count as physical exercise, but it's so much more. I start by pulling weeds, cuttiing bamboo, etc and before you know it I'm watching a butterfly and listening to the birds, planning a new flowerbed, thinking about things that make me happy. The anger is usually gone before long.

rrib · Senior Member

I was told to cut down on my coffee drinking.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Rara - I walk it out, preferrably in the dark because then I can rant and rave to myself without anyone seeing me do it and thinking I'm crazy. If its not dark, I choose a route that takes me to the highway because the cars go by too fast to see me ranting. Boy when I am mad I can walk pretty fast and I get the extra benefit of the exercise, that rush of feel good hormones that come with exercise lifts my spirits as well. Plus, just thought of this, walking and talking it out to myself sometimes helps me identify exactly why I'm angry.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Pray...deep breaths, gratitude lists, actively try to see the good in a person or situation... Those all help me.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I have started to scream in my pillow and rant and rave somewhere no one can hear me...
I often rant and rave in my head until I exhaust myself and then survey the damage... in my head....

Rage is a hard one for me as I get it often and then it turns to very dark thoughts.

As I listen to my own raves, I am hearing lately, it is always a WHY or HOW COULD YOU questions that are coming out.

Being on this board is helping me to think QTIP, my control issues, and.. is it any of my business. It is also often about things I can change ... I feel my feelings, acknowledge them, think about where they really are coming from and then go... hmmmm.. that was interesting now wasn't it. Feel better???? No.. comes my sullen answer to myself.... then I let that little kid sulk and go back in a while and give her a hug.

rara avis · Senior Member

Good points, I'm going to reread this thread. Keep it coming! :)

BEFORE I posted, I decided to 'harness the power' and cleaned up the garage. You see, my RA and I live in a house that I bought, am paying for, etc...Well I was fine with all his stuff in the garage, but it grew and grew into a gigantic huge mess. I have not been able to park my car in my own house. He kept complaining about how the mess was bothering him too much to deal with it. Finally I thought, ' is this for him or for me?' decided it was for ME, and went hell-bent crazy putting stuff away. Take back my garage! Completely went for it, cranked up the loud tunes, and started hauling stuff. I am not a big woman, you wouldn't believe the volume of junk I moved. Oh yes, there was loud cursing too. Fortunately he did me a favor by having nothing organized, so I just threw things in boxes pell-mell. It really didn't make a difference. Unfortunately I also found rusty nails, rusty razor blades, trash, stains, etc..all over the nice newly painted garage. I feel like this was so disrespectful, how trashed the once nice garage had become, and got angrier. On the positive side that fueled the fire and I went totally nuts, finishing the garage job in only 2 HOURS.

Oh yes it was epic. Later I had 45 min of exercise and THEN walked the dog. I'm still burning.

So yes I'll take any more suggestions. ;) On the plus side I have probably burned 10000 calories today. My neighbors who witnessed/heard the garage fiesta must be wondering who the psycho lady is....!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

well rara, if you still have that much energy, I have a garage......

NovSun · Senior Member

Hi all,

I do like all the suggestions for dealing with rage/anger. I asked about this last night in my F2F meeting. They suggested similar things..take the dog for a walk, leave the house, etc. I also own the house that me and my Afiance live in; he moved in with me. So it makes me mad that I have to leave MY nice, comfie house when HE has done something to anger me (drank). But I know for my own sanity I will try these suggestions. My meeting members also suggested picking a phrase that helps you calm down such as "let go and let God" or "God grant me", etc. to repeat to yourself over and over until you feel calmer. I like this suggestion because I can do it without my A noticing. If I were to write things in a journal or jump on these message boards, he would be right there over my shoulder and that's a fight I don't need.

Keep the suggestions coming, they are very helpful!
NovSun

KLotus · Senior Member

This one's a tough one for me as well, because for me talking seems to be the best diffuser. Not necessarily with my AH, I mean talking to ANYONE else :).

However, if you can get to a room alone, try a "silent scream." Sit in a chair, think about what makes you angry, tense all of your muscles (not too hard, don't hurt yourself), then try to relax and take a deeeeep breath, blow out as hard as you can. As though you are whispering a scream. Does this make sense? You can also just lay on a bed and tense your muscles, then release with a deep breath, and repeat - without the silent scream part.

Also, eye movement. Sit or lay down comfortably - take an object (e.g. pencil) hold it out in front of you, and move from side to side with it, while keeping your eyes on it the whole time. It releases the energy.

That's all I have for now! Hope something helps.

Hugs,
K

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The only solution I know of is look at things realisticaly , I taught this man how to treat me for yrs . By my silence he assumed that what he was doing was ok with me .. I accepted unexceptable behavior over and over again , he was only doing what worked for him what in hell was wrong with me ?? When I accepted that i had a part in this mess and took responsibility for my behavior alot of my anger towards him dissapeared .. I had choices all my married life but for the most part I chose to do nothing ,I hid behind my husb alcoholism for along time blamming him for the situation we found ourselves in forgetting that I had a choice to stay or go .. anger is a killer and today I cannot afford it ,it makes me sick and affects everyone around me . If I am upset I say what I mean , mean what I say and try not to be mean when I say it . I have a right to say how I feel and then let it go and not expect that anything will change it is just important that I speak up .

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I do a few things. I know that anger is one of my default character defects and hiding behind that is fear. I put that I am angry into step 1 recognizing that I myself am powerless over the feelings of rage etc. When I am angry, I know that I am fighting step 2, a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Any feeling or behavior that stands in the way of my conscious contact with my higher power blocks me from the sunlight of the spirit. Either I am choosing to live in faith or surrendering to fear. Knowing that is where I am is part of the miracle of this program, having the awareness. I then go to a meeting and chair the meeting on the topic. Accountability for my behavior is key to my recovery. It helps me to throw myself under the bus say out loud what I am thinking, doing, and feeling. No one can adhere to spiritual principals perfectly. That is why I think it helps others when we share moments of our lives where we go bottoms up in the program. Finally I talk it over with my sponsor. She is patient, kind, and understanding. When I say it out loud again, it loses power over me. My sponsor sees and hears things that I myself cannot see. That is why I continue to turn to those life lines which are like bumpers bringing me back to the center of my program.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.