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Hi everyone! I suppose this post is mostly to vent but also to see if anyone else had had this same problem I'm having.My AH is constantly changing the "rules",by rules I just mean things we've agreed on or what not,not actual rules he sets out for me.The ame plan always changes in the morning and it's so incrediably frustrating.The worst part is lately,like the past month or so,he has been talking to me like something you scrape off your shoe.Not all day long but just once or twice during the day.He doesn't call me names but just his tone makes me feel stupid.For example this morning I let our 2 new cockatiels out for their morning stretch but apparently it wasn't long enough for them and they were screaming.So that was done wrong.Then he let them out again and I encourged one to go on my shoulder,but I should have left it alone.Then the last straw was about an hour ago,he was trying to sleep before going to work and my laundry on the line was making to much noise!!!! So iinstead of coming and telling me he tries to call my cell phone which I didn't hear.Well you would think I was the biggest moron that ever lived!!
Normally he is such a kind man and so loving but lately something is switching.I had a better day yesterday at the funeral parlour for my friend's grandmother!!! This cannot be normal in any sense of the word!!!
Sorry this is so long I just really have no one to tak to about these things.
Dear MrsHennepope, Your post doesn't give enough information to feel confident in posting to---aside from the fact that you feel that he is an alcoholic---and that his mood change is coming from this fact.
I am wondering, what does he say when you talk with him about this new behavior?
ONLY, if you feel comfortable in sharing this, Of course.
Hi Otie,I have discussed this new behaviour with him and he is always very apologetic but come the next day all is forgotten again.It'slike he needs a daily reminder.
He is most definitely an alcholic,of his own admiting.He has been in AA in the past but just never stuck with it as he felt it wasn't for him.
Dear Mrs. Henneypope, thanks for your reply. That does give more info.
My thought is that alcoholism is progressive over time. As you undoubtedly know, it eventually impacts every aspect of their lives, including their relationships with those who are closest to them---which are the ones who usually love them the most! I truly believe that to love an alcoholic is to suffer. I have had to watch this progression in the A's in my life.
MrsHenneypope, alanon can offer you insight and support. Also, if you haven't already, learn all you can about this disease.
I don't want to sound like a downer---but it is a vicious disease and everybody involved needs to get real---and get help. Alcoholism can be arrested by sobriety. Your sanity can be preserved by getting help.
Coming here is a really good first step. Keep coming, and venting when you need to--Or sharing your experiences and support with others.
As you will find out, you are stronger than you probably think. Others who have walked in your shoes are very understanding.
For me, alanon is helping me feel better and stop the insanity in my own head. I hope you find some meetings for you :) My sponsor is alanon Gold and helps me get through and change myself for the better... One day at a time I am working on it. Easy does it :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you for your support.Unfortunately due to where I'm located there is no f2f meeting available to me :( I found this website and was quite happy that I did.I'm hoping to take a step in the right direction,slowly but surely.
No matter what the reason for the unacceptable behavior the behavior is unacceptable. He could be going through something, it could be progression of the disease or any number of things. No matter what it is you have no control over what is causing, but you do have control over your reaction to it.
I experienced similar things from my ex "A" and for quite some time I took it personally. I was the stupid 'xxxx' for not letting an unlicensed driver drive my car (it was in my name only) and he just attempted to make me feel so stupid and controlling about it. At the time I was seeing a counselor and when I told her about all this she looked at me and said well what a 'xxxx' and it just stuck me that everything that was going on was his issue and not mine.
I started walking away when he tried to talk to me that way and the biggest help was remembering to not engage. He even commented one time that I wasn't fun because I wouldn't fight with him.
Remember to focus on you and try not to take in what his disease is trying to give you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 04:01:27 PM
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Boy Mandy I wih I had read your post a couple hours ago LOL!! He played the cell phone trick on me again because he wanted to order pizza but didn't want to actually get up and ask me.So I was in "trouble" for not answering,when he asked if I was hungry and wanted to order I tried to respond with "I'm not hungry now but I can always eat it later".Obviously that was the wrong answer too because he flipped out,I tried to explain that I was saying yes I would order but he didn't let me finish.I decided to walk away to fold clothes in the other room instead of playing this game with him but he followed me and I snapped!!! I told him I feel like he has been treating me like a piece of garbage lately.To which he responded "shut the $%^& up,you stupid %^&*in' %^&*( " He has NEVER spoken to me like that,ever in 14 years!! The worst of it is he was sober at the time and getting ready to go to work!!! He's gone now and I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do about this whole situation.
Hugs, it's never right when people resort to name calling sober or in an altered state of mind. It's so about him and his stuff with the addiction. I say a LOT you can't nail jello to a tree (meaning don't try and rationalize with an irrational person) and he's total jello at the moment. I'm glad he's gone it will give you time to do some self care and I hope you can do something for yourself even if it's little.
Exactly how isolated are you?? If I can ask?
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've tried to relax a little while he's gone and I did decide to finally open up to a good friend of mine that I was hiding alot from.She was pregnant and just had her baby in May so I didn't want to be "that friend",although she was so upset that I hadn't said something to her before.Luckily talking to her calmed me down and changed my frame of mind alittle.She also offered me a place to stay if it came down to that.
Geography wise I'm fairly isolated but I have created a nice little barrier around myself in that sense of the word.I did start to formulate a little plan in my head,once the fog cleared.One of 2 things will happen tonight,either he will come home full of apologies or the anger will continue.If he feels it necessary to continue being angry over nothing at all I'm going to find a way to move into my own placeIf he comes home and apologizes for his words and behaviour we will work on it some more.I just need to have a clearly defineed boundary in my head.
I really don't believe I'm incompetent.I logically know that this is HIS issue but I feel today that his issue is making ME sick.I don't handle nor enjoy conflict on a good day,especially not name calling and childish expectations
Mrs Henne Pope - mine would ask where I wanted to eat, then when I would make a suggestion, he would pounce on me with "we always have to eat where you want to eat" or, he would slam me with a choice I made weeks later - didn't that cause a big mental HUH????? One time, three of us, my daughter and he and I, were in the "big city" and deciding where to eat, Olive Garden or Roadhouse - I suggested Olive Garden because we ALWAYS had to eat at Roadhouse and HE always whined how he wanted to eat at olive garden someday; so we went there, they were too crowded so we went to the other - weeks later in one of his tirades he was blasting me about how he and my daughter wanted to eat at the Roadhouse but I had to have olive garden..... double take? triple take? HUH??? We ate at Roadhouse, but because I "made" him go into the olive garden, i guess he considered that eating there.
This is just one example of the craziness - others would include him saying we would leave at 10 then come in at 9 and wonder why i wasn't ready yet or him telling me to get whatever pizza I wanted then making sarcastic comments about it if it wasn't his favorite; just bizarre, crazy-making behavior.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I can relate to all of that with an ex partner of mine... who didn't drink.... controlling and being bizarre is part of domestic violence in my mind.... my ex was very physically violent to me. Keeping me in a state of confusion helped him get away with stuff. I was confused, so when he told me I was wrong.. then maybe I was wrong.. hmmm.. ok Iwill do better next time. This went on for 8 years. I have shared on this board several times an event when I was held up by my neck against the wall because I was breathing wrong. "Just breath properly" he said.
If that is not a crazy person.... I dunno what is. Again, I was sick enough to think, wow, that was a bit over the top!!!! (ya think!!!)
I'm not really helping, but I am saying that we do 'get' what you are saying
Boy do I know where your coming from Ilike!! It almost makes you question your own sanity sometimes.I'm sitting here now trying to tire myself out because he will be home soon and I just can't deal with it tonight AT ALL!!! We are supposed to be taking his nieces to the amusement park on Friday and he told me "If you think I'm going with you you're crazy" My first thought was who cares,I can do without standing in line all day anyways but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not letting HIM ruined OUR day and I'm taking the girls myself!
Aloha Mrs. There are meeting on this site which you can get to on a daily basis. Check the face page for the times and calculate when it is possible for you to attend. Good luck with it. You are dealing with the insanity of the disease and the fellowship has a lot to offer if you are willing to receive it with an open mind and then practice, practice, practice. (((hugs)))
