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I just don't get it. Why would you hide beer when you drink beer in the open around the family anyway? How silly is that? Is hiding alcohol just habitual? I get why he hides the little bottles of vodka or whiskey, but beer? Beer needs to be chilled. You may as well just put it in the fridge next to the Guinness, for goodness sake.
Oh, quick update. My dh has been on his anti-depressants for about 3 weeks now. His attitude is much improved, he is participating in family life and helping around the house again. He's being very loving and caring, too. What worries me is that he continues to drink while on these meds. The other day I made steak for dinner and he wanted some red wine so I said go ahead and open a bottle, but I'm not having any(I'm doing South Beach diet right now and alcohol and sugar is a NO NO). He drank 3/4ths of a bottle without even realizing it. Also, he didn't seem very affected by it, quite frankly. I wonder if the meds he's on have the affect of making it take more alcohol to hit a buzzed or drunken point?
I read him the patient leaflet that says, "Patients should be advised to avoid alcohol while taking Paxil." And, I warned him about the alcohol cravings that some patients have mentioned while taking Paxil. He talked to his psychologist and the guy basically gave him the green light to drink within moderation. I wonder exactly what my dh has said to this man about his past and about his abuse of alcohol and that he hides it, etc? I doubt he's told the whole truth. Man, I wish I could be a fly on the wall in those sessions.
So, for now, I will continue in my own therapy. Try to find a meeting that fits my schedule which I haven't been able to do yet. And, I will wait and see what happens and at least enjoy the fact that he's enjoying life again despite the drinking when he shouldn't.
I drank alcoholically for over 10 years while taking meds for depression. I'm sure it wasn't healthy, it probably compounded liver damage I was causing cuz the antidepressants can be harsh on the liver too. It didn't kill me though.
If I had to hazzard a guess on the hiding of bottles, I'm going to say that he want's to give the impression that he really is drinking "very little" or in extreme moderation, when in truth, he is doing a little binging and doesn't want you to judge him for it.
You stated in other posts that you aren't sure if he is even an alcoholic so I'd have to wonder if, in his case, his hiding bottles is not so much due to straight up alcoholism as much as fear of criticism or being called out on his liking to get buzzed or drunk sometimes even though you really can't stand it.
I hope you can get to a meeting soon it really will help. I'm glad you are continuing with your own healing in the form of therapy. Everytime I read your post about what his dr says it just shocks me to my toes .. WOW. Just keep doing the best you can and it will get easier.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My doctor told me the same thing. I lied and said I drank "once in a while." I don't think I even knew I was lying all that time. It was so routine for me to just drink and have depression too and to then be depressed and drink more...and so on and so on. I swear I think some psychiatrist can see an alcoholic from miles away and they ask the question knowing that it doesn't really matter and they can only be held responsible if the person states they are an addict or alcoholic. Psychiatrists serve a function and some are better than others, but make no mistake, they are not counselors and their job is to prescribe pills. I have never known anyone to go to a psychiatrist and not come out with a perscription, regardless of what problem they had.
Pinkchip, what you said rings true. I know that's why he hides it, I know that for a fact. You know, he is going to a psychologist for counseling and this guy sent him to a psychiatrist for the meds. He felt that my dh was bordering suicidal so he felt that the meds were necessary. So, the meds were started 3 weeks ago with the shrink and now he'll be going to counseling 2 times a month with the psychologist. I'm sure he's not telling the whole truth about the drinking, though, to the doctor. I just feel that if he would just be honest with himself and with me, a lot of our issues could get better and we could move on. Unfortunately, I tend to hold on to past hurts and I get emotionally hurt by the littlest things and I find it hard to move forward. I get stuck in the past. All things that I know I need to work on, but really make communication difficult. Then, when I find out he's hiding crap again, I fall into my self-pity mode or anger mode and I feel like the cycle of mistrust has started again. Hence, the UGH, in my subject line, LOL!
I respectfully suggest that getting distracted by "therapist bashing" is taking the focus off Ilove dogs and focusing on the spouse's drinking.
I think it is well known that alcoholics will lie to their psychiatrist, their psychologist, internist, counselor, spouse, children, priest, lawyer, The Judge, probation officer, clerk at the 7-eleven.....or anyone who might be an obstacle to their relationship with their addiction.
From the info you have shared, it doesn't seem like your husband is ready for complete honesty. My exAH, who is now in recovery, says that he played games with himself up until his third admittance to a rehab facility. He sees now the games he played, the lies he told himself and others. But up until 4 months ago, he was not willing to get totally honest with himself or me.
He has been drinking since he was a teenager. He is 60 now. He was a heavy drinker from around mid-thirties up until 4 months ago. His alcoholism got progressively worse over the last 26 years of our 36 year marriage.
He has some medical condition due to his alcoholism. He faces a particular condition every day, neuropathy in his feet and legs; I think this condition is a constant reminder of the effects of alcoholism. The neuropathy really limits his activity level. He used to be able to be on his feet all day long. He takes medication for the pain and numbness.
You sound as though you'd be a great candidate for Al-Anon. I do hope you give meetings a try; that is, go to a lot of them before deciding if they are for you or not. I've gone for the past 6 months and it has changed my world significantly. I don't feel like the same person any longer.
I'd like to also share that I didn't quite like the meetings at first. They felt very awkward and I didn't understand some of the format. But I'm so glad that I hung in there; it all seems perfectly comfortable to me now and I "get" and appreciate the format. Keep in mind, most things we try at first feels a bit awkward. That's what I kept telling myself.
Meetings are not what some people think. I think people's imaginations get a little out of hand, lean toward the negative side, and find that they can easily make excuses for not attending. I did.
If you decide to go to meetings, you'll be greeted warmly, perhaps more so than you ever have in your life. No one will force you to speak up during the meeting, although you are certainly welcome to do that. I observe several members who come and listen the majority of the time. Rarely do they speak and when they do, it's perhaps one to two sentences. No big deal for any of us.
But I will say, I find the more I share, the closer I become to members and recieve the love and support that has been missing from my life.
Please don't wait until your husband is willing to be honest. It's a waste of time. Regardless what he chooses to do, you can get better. Al-Anon is one way of moving forward, instead of staying stuck and hoping for change.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 01:37:07 PM
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 01:39:15 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Gail, I do believe that he lies to himself just as he lies to me and his doctors, like not seeing the trees through the forest analogy(does that make sense). Anyway, my mom suggested a book to me titled "Slowing Down to the Speed of Life" and I think I will read that and try to find a meeting. I really need to find one during the early afternoon hours and they are all in the evening here which conflicts with my son's schedule for his after school activities. My husband travels for work and I homeschool so free time to myself is always at a minimum. The only time block I have is from 1:30-2:30 on Mondays and Thursdays when my son takes a homeschool history class. I already drag him with me to my dentist appointments, my therapist appointments, and to the grocery store and he needs time to get his schoolwork done, too(which he does while sitting and waiting like he did yesterday while I was at counseling). Some of his schoolwork is projects that he needs help with and since I am teacher, I need to be available. Basically, I look at homeschooling like it's my full time job and I don't schedule anything during our active school hours.
I did just join a tennis team where our practice is at the same time as my son's private tennis lesson, so it doesn't conflict with school. Gives me some time to make new friends and I am going to a jewelry party on Friday night with them. Gets me out of the house and doing something for myself for a change!
I am happy to learn that you take homeschooling your child seriously. I think most homeschool parents do. The past 10 years I was a public school teacher in the sped ed. dept. I do know the commitment that you have made; it's very time consuming.
It's great that you have lined up some outside activities for just you; I do know that sometimes homeschool parents do get preoccupied with teaching that they can overlook their needs.
If you can't get to meetings right away, perhaps you can obtain some of Al-Anon's literature, continue to post on this board, & attend online meetings here.
Have you read "Getting Them Sober, Volume I" by Toby Rice Drew? Another book that I found helpful was "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic" by Janet Geringer Woititz. The later author recently deceased, unfortunately. She had written a lot of informative, helpful books.
Where there is a will, there is a way. You'll find your way!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
The nature of this disease is all about denial, manipulation, self-preservation and etc.....
It seems to me that anything an alcholic can do to hide the true reality of the disease is what he/she is going to do. I doubt he even really thinks about it, but it just happens. Maybe he knows of your concern, but doesn't want you to see how much he is really drinking.
Remember the three C's and come here for all the ESH you can get.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Why would he hide the beer when he drinks beer in the open?
Not sure anyone could posit a logical answer to that, because alcoholism is insane. There is no reason that can be explained in a rational way because nothing about alcoholism is rational.
We can't control what someone drinks, when they drink it, or how much they consume. Speculating about these things is frustrating because there's never going to be a satisfactory answer no matter how much time we devote to trying to understand. In my opinion, the time is better spent focusing on my reactions and what I'm going to do.
Blessings - keep coming back!
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 03:22:10 PM
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