The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past couple of weeks the word "willingness" has kept popping out at me. It's been so great to know that there are two different kinds of steps the "ready now" steps and the "willing now" ones. I have been ready to admit where I am powerless over my life and I try and live there each day. I am ready to tune into my HP. I am willing (and ready) to make a decision to turn it all over to my HP (God). It's so freeing to know I just have to make a "decision" to do so. Again I only have to be willing. I've been doing the 3 step waltz with those three steps, daily, some days have been better than others. I still doubt sometimes what I'm doing at least I know in my heart and head I'm moving forward in a positive way. I still struggle between what is a boundary and what is control. It's all starting to come together and I couldn't ask for a better place to be to make positive changes happen in my life.
The changes in our house are very evident and my AH is happy and not happy .. lol .. I don't know if that makes sense or not. He would very much rather things go back to the way they were even though I think he knows that it would be disaster at this point. The kids are just amazing. Every day they teach me something new about themselves and I learn about myself too. Things have changed to much to go backwards for me. I don't want to live in that kind of chaos. I'm referring to my own chaos in my mind, not the chaos that goes on with active/ non recovery addiction. I've really been working on allowing him to have the dignity to carry his own responsibilities and neither of us have to carry the load for the other person. It's become soooo evident how much I've allowed him to just look the other way and live in his own denial. Something I have really come to see is I'm so unclear about what I need (not that he's going to fulfill those needs), if I don't know what I need, or how to express it, not just from him, from others as well, no wonder he's confused .. lol. Geeze talk about making things hard .. lol.
All I had to do was be willing to make the changes in me first.
Thank you so very much for allowing me to share, when half the time I don't even know what I"m sharing .. lol. I know I have a good point, it always comes back to can I get there .. lol.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Puska Your post is very timely for me today. I find that one day I think I know where I am and what I want and then the next I have no clue. Im new to this so I dont know if Ive made it through step 1 or not. I feel like I have, but if I have why do I have so much trouble letting it all go and having my HP take over? Why do I feel the need to anguish over troubles and think I really can control them by doing so? I was seeing movement in the right direction, but then real life gets into the mix with stress that would tax any healthy relationship causes me to get anxious. We both fall back to old ways and then the ever present LACK OF WILLINGNESS- seeps in. I find myself thinking I dont want to do the work, I dont care if we make it and I just want free of it all. That doesnt sound like turning it over to my HP. But I have so many times asked my HP to show me if I should stay or go and I never seem to get the answer in a clear concise way that convinces me. It makes me realize I am not ready to see the truth yet. Good thing I have a meeting today. I pray that the right words will come my way to give me hope that I can keep trying.
I don't know if this will help or not, and I've said this a lot over this past week and it's really ringing true for me. I have to keep the focus on me, so I take my AH out of the emotional equation.
When I experience anxiety (any given extreme emotional situation, for me it doesn't matter what it is) over a situation, if I take him out of the equation, .. I'll use the SCRAM as an example .. LOL .. that's a biggie for me at the moment (I've moved on from the DUI that's progress .. lol). If I take him out, what I think he should be or shouldn't be doing. What does it really mean to me? Well, nothing really. I'm not wearing it. I don't have to be the one who is following whatever rules are applied to him. Well, how do I really feel about it? All the anxiety I'm shouldering is it really mine to begin with? No, it's not. Do I get angry that I'm affected by his choices, absolutely. It's not going to change anything. It takes soooo much pressure off of us both when I am not trying to carry around what doesn't belong to me. I have no idea if that makes sense or not. I just know after 5 years between my ex A and my AH that I'm not healthy in mind, spiritually or emotionally. I thought I picked a really nice guy, I did, he just happened to also be another A. I think that's why the program is so important to me. No matter what happens in the future, with my AH or without my AH I just want to be in a space of mental, spiritual and emotional health. I really can't imagine my life without my AH. Which a year ago I was thinking that was the only option I had. Don't give up on your own healing. It's not easy everyday, .. the dang truck is still out there and I haven't reduced it to rubble. :) I do look at that truck as a level of my healing .. lol. You know it's a bad day if that sucker goes up in flames .. lol. At least I can have a creative outlet to measure my own healing and the God of my understanding has a wicked sense of humor and I like that. :)
YFM,
I want to know how in the world to dance the 3 step waltz and stop stepping/tripping on my own dang feet!!! I keep trying to allow God to lead and I get in my own way!! Oh well, it's going to take time and a lot of dance lessons. :)
Hugs you guys, and we are soooo worth the work :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka - thanks for the comments. You'll have to tell me if SCRAM means something in Alanon speak, because if so I don't know it yet. Your words help though. I need to focus on me and I am trying but I am still reacting, anquishing and trying to control. I have a long way to go. I guess maybe I am floating between steps 1,2, and 3. I had a f2f meeting today. Topic was anger. I went praying for one that hit home and it did. I shared, listened and for the SECOND time in TWO WEEKS, when I got in my car, Carrie Underwood's song "JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL" was on the radio. That can't be a coincidence. So I am really going to focus on letting go and letting God (my HP) every day. I know it is the only way I will find serenity. I sure appreciate all of you here at MIP.
Secured Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring (SCRAM) device. I am thinking of some other colorful acronyms that it could stand for too. :) No alanon term .. I bet I could come up with one of those .. LOL. :)
I can tell you more than you will ever want to know about the whole SCRAM system. I feel better knowing, than not knowing, what it is how it works and so on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
