Do any of you 'partake'? - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Do any of you 'partake'?

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was way younger than I am now I used to smoke pot pretty frequently. Even dabbled with some other substances for a while. Maybe this is excuse-making, but I do believe it was just a phase, I was at the age where I was experimenting, testing boundaries, etc. But I gave that up long ago. Now I still enjoy an occasional drink but I don't keep alcohol in the house. If I go out for dinner with friends (without ah) I sometimes have a beer or two, or a glass or two of wine. And sometimes I stick to soft drinks. I rarely drive and if I'm going to be drinking i definitely take taxis instead. If I am out with ah (with or without other friends) I stick to soft drinks. He tells me to go ahead and have a drink, it won't bother him. And in the past I have done so. But it didn't feel right and I didn't enjoy it. I don't know about leading by example - I just don't enjoy having a drink around him. And if I can't enjoy it, what's the point? And it's just not worth keeping alcohol in the house where he can get to it. Yeah, I know- if he wants to drink he will. And he does. But I'm not going to make it easy for him by keeping the stuff around right in front of him.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Pineapple
That is fully understandable if he is trying to not drink.
Thanks

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linda, I do partake, I like beer. My ex-AH claims we both have the same kind of problem but, I don't depend on alcohol to have a good time and it doesn't alter my personality the way it does his. My problem with alcohol is that it loosens my grip on that little girl inside that says what comes to mind when someone says mean things to her. With no alcohol in my system I can bite my tongue and walk away, with a little alcohol in me I will still walk away, with a few more, well, with someone goading me (ex-ah's forte) I eventually fight back. But I don't like it. And, I don't live for every fun recreational event just because of the beer I get to drink. EGADS I hate that at so many things the focus was going from the bar to the beer garden, back to the bar. I"m not much of a wine drinker, gives me headaches next day, though there IS a wine, Moscato that is pretty good. I don't do hard liquor much at all, mostly because it gives me a hard headache next day and I can't function, functioning the next day is pretty high on my list of priorities!

About a year before our final break-up, my ex and I identified alcohol as a big problem in our life and tried going without, I didn't have a problem not drinking, and the fights we ended up in all came as a result of him having to drink then coming home and blasting me in the "usual" alcohol fueled way. I WOULD give up alcohol, if he was sober and we were trying to build a new life together - sure sometimes I'd probably think, gee a cold beer would taste good, but a life with a sober him would be worth it.

odalis · Veteran Member

I used to have a glass or two of wine. There came a point early in his disease where I thought if I joined him, maybe that would make him happy, so I would drink the glass or two about 4 times a week. He would nag me about me not being fun and offer me a glass of wine. Back then I did to make him happy, and I was also having trouble sleeping and a glass of wine at night helped me fall asleep faster.

As I noticed he was drinking more and more, (I did not recognize it as a disease at first) I was completely repulsed by the idea of having a glass of wine. I began to think I hated him and hated the booze for doing this to him. I stopped drinking wine altogether once I completely understood it is a disease. I was so broken that I did not want to be near a bottle of wine and when he offered me some, I would get angry. I was still in the "omg...he is sick, I can't believe this is happeneing to us, how did it get this way"- phase.

My father was also an alcoholic (he never went to AA, and he does have an occasional beer, he stopped on his own) so for a while after I started to read and join Alanon, I kept thiking I would turn into an alcoholic. Thoughts kept coming into my mind and for about a week, I was scared because it would be like 1 in the afternoon and I would say to myself that the wine tasted good and I should have some just to take the edge off, but I would fight it and not drink at all.

The other day I did have a glass of wine. Alanon helped me see that it does not matter what I do as long as I take care of myself. So I had a glass of wine with dinner and that was it. I have never been drunk (last time I was drunk was in 2001 when we got married). and I know that one glass is what I want to have. I know that I can't have more than two because I will be tipsy and I do not like feeling that way. I like sweet wine, so I like teh flavor and will occasionally have one with dinner now. I do not care what my husband thinks of it because it is my choice and I know what my limit is. I set the bar for myself. I might also have a drink on the rare occasion I go out with friends. I never drink when we are out together because I am the one that drives.

I don't nag or complain anymore, so I know there will never again be an instance where my AH has the right to tell me "oh you drink so why can't I"

dragonflys · Senior Member

My husband was completely and utterly addicted to pot. He went to rehab last hear and has not smoked pot since. He drinks and takes prescription pain pills quite a few times a month now (I believe they are binges) but has said that he has not touched pot. I hate the stuff now. I used to smoke a little in high school and did partake with him in the festivities a few times but after living with his active addiction for the first 10 years...I hate it! My husband used to say the same things to me, and has a few times recently ...why is it ok for you and not for me? I don't answer him. I don't get into that conversation with him. I don't have to attend every argument. Hugs to you, I can relate.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't drink anymore, unless it's at a restaurant or somewhere away from home and my AH isn't there. I don't keep it in the house out of respect for his sobriety, and I never liked drinking by myself anyway...no fun for me. My AH has been sober about 2.5 years now. He says he wouldn't mind if I had a drink...but I've decided that for me, I'd just simply rather not.

My AH has never said anything about my drinking, but my exAH used to. He would point out that I drank so why did I have issues with him doing it? I often drank with him. And every time he said something like that, I'd allow myself to get sucked into the insanity of trying to rationally answer that question.

A's are notorious for pointing the finger at whatever else they can find, so they can avoid accepting responsibility. They will always use whatever they can to turn the situation around on anyone questioning their use. This is insane, and we become insane when we start trying to make sense of it. I learned early on to just walk away. No amount of being rational on my part was going to make him get it. He didn't want to get it - he wanted a circular and insane discussion about it instead...one that took the focus off of the issue and let him justify his continued usage.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I do, however until the SCRAM comes off I won't be and since I drive I def don't when we are out. I have had a glass of wine or a beer. I do try and not be blatant about it. I don't hide in the closet either.

I'm going to say it makes me feel angry sometimes that once again I have to alter my life over something that is not my issue. Right, wrong or whatever, it's really how I feel about it.

Something I learned tonight was that Lois W would have a drink after Bill W got sober. She used to drive him nuts because she wouldn't finish the glass she was drinking. LOL .. I thought that was interesting.

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

hhmm.. thanks everyone.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have never been a smoker or drinker or anything. Was around it, tried it, didn't like it.

BUT if I wanted to that is MY business. I am an adult, will make my own decisions. I feel the same about him, if there was a him.

I don't want anyone controlling me anymore than he does. He is an Addict,not me, he knows the problems. I didn't and would not own them.

I know it is progressive, I got where I protected me, but it was too late. Put house in my name vehicles in my name, did a legal separation so I was not responsible for him wrecking or whatever. Had my own money.

Al Anon taught me skills to enjoy him as long as I could. Had some precious times. Have not seen him in years now, know nothing about him.No more precious times.

So I hope you can detach from the drawer, the disease. It is totally his. Enjoy his presences as you can. It may go away sooner than you think.

Ignore the disease, love the man.

One of my things is however is I am very naturally looking for someones heart. When the A is using, it is not there, the drug masks it.

Remember that scene you described it sounds beautiful.

I have one from my beautiful first husband. He is walking down a dirt road with pasture of trees and greens, wildflowers on either side. He has our daughter up in his arms. They both had very curly hair, I can still see the sunlight in their hair from behind.

She is now 36 with a curly haired son. Her Daddy died four years later.

We just never know. much love,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

With the exception of a mai tai, I never cared for any alcohol. So, no, I don't partake. At our son's recent wedding, I toasted with water. That's how much I dislike alcohol.

I don't see your choice not to smoke as hypocritical, just because you had in the past. People change. It's called being human.

I do have to watch myself when I observe others drinking. I find that I tend to begin wondering if they are alcoholic. Note to self: Many people drink and they are not alcoholic.

I recall about a year ago, I was standing in a grocery line. A man was right behind me. The cashier was taking a long time, so I got bored and turned to the man and began to chat. We were talking about nothing really. Then all of a sudden I looked down and saw that he had a case of beer in his right hand. My response shocked me. I immediately cut the conversation off and turned around. Just in mid-conversation I abruptly stopped talking to him. My rude behavior shocked me. But that's when I realized on a deeper level how affected I have been living with an alcoholic.

Linda, I've been following your posts and see progress. Keep it up!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Partake is such a subtle word on an alcoholism affected forum. I don't drink or smoke anymore. What the hell was all my fighting and argueing about back then and fight and argue we did. Alcohol and drugs are mind and mood altering chemicals and using them was and is about getting altered, "less than" not better.

My alcoholic/addict use to chase my drinking...she wanted to be able to drink like me and I was so convinced that I was impervious to alcohol I set myself up almost to death with overdoses.

I got into Al-Anon and also into College and then AA too and what I learned helps me in attitude "You would venture into self abuse again while knowing what you now know?" Would I consider myself sane during the drinking and smoking now? What the hell would I base my objections to her drinking and using today and how in the world could I justify it? Would I try? My spouse once said to me very seriously, "God I wish I could drink like you." She didn't know that I had overdosed several times before meeting her. I didn't partake...I drank...because it was there no matter who's...and because my mind said "I could".

Spent some time with my grandson "C" after he came over to talk about what's going on in his family; his father's (my eldest who I started out on beer at the age of one) reaction to him going out and having "one" drink. "it's an I'm of age thing Grampa" he says and then it is my time to remind him that bothsides of his family, generations deep are alcoholic and that his own father is now not drinking or using at all where at one time that wasn't the case. "C" keep in mind that in our family when we hear the word alcohol there are major reactions because alcohol is a major part of our history and present.

I told him that at the start of this day I poured out 4 beers I had gotten from a home that I manage for a non-resident. I told him that I didn't do that immediately, that the beers had waited in a plastic bag on the kitchen floor for over an hour while I was doing work on the computer and then I had to just get up and pour them out so that I could end the constant conversation they were trying to have with my brain. Once they were gone my head and spirit was free. I guess for that period of time they were partaking with me trying to get me to consider to partake with them.

It is so great that I didn't partake at all because as Likemyheart expressed I get swept away with an increase (whatever) of alcohol and my day turned to instant crap for and hour and a half including people yelling, screaming, harrassing and crossing my real yard boundaries, the police, and during it all the bank that wants to take my house calls and wants to talk. Try doing all of this being hearing impaired...and after partaking.

I guess that isn't the short version of "no I don't" and sooo glad for it.

((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 12:28:05 AM

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear that I may have offended you Jerry F and I apologise if that is the case.

for many many years I did not ever have alcohol around my Dad once he got into AA. I never organised family gatherings at pubs or anything where the temptation may be there for him. I never had alcohol in my fridge if my Dad was coming to visit on a holiday.

As the years have gone on, and my Dad started to say "Why don't we all go to ... such a such.. Iwould say but Dad, thats a pub" He would say, I know Linda I have been in many of them.. if I am going to drink I would do it whether in a pub or not. You wouldn't be able to stop me either way if thats what I wanted to do. I will note that he was by this time, over 15 years completely sober in AA.

Then I visited his house once and there was alcohol in the fridge. I froze adn my heart panicked. He said it was there for visitors. My Mum has never drank except a wine or champagne at a significant event like a wedding. But my Mum never drank even before meeting Dad.

Now, I am a grown woman. I pick up a bottle of wine to have with dinner when I visit my parents on holiday. Dad is all good with it.

He is now 32 years sober and has never once had even a sip of alcohol in that time. He still says it is only for today that he isn't drinking. He still says he wants one and loves the taste and the smell. But its the memories that it brings with it.

If I ever... ever... see my Dad with an alcoholic drink in his hand... I will knock it straight out of his hand with no questions asked. My brother and my nephew and my sister have inherited the addiction on substances from him and its sad to see. I can put down a substance and not have it again, it doesn't bother me. I gave up cigarettes at my first attempt.

I was concerned at both my weddings that someone may give him one. I watched him like a hawk. He got thorugh the death of my daughter without a drop.

He is a strong man for that, and for that I am proud of him. But I do drink around him now a days.

onewholovesrock · Member

I always liked to dabble with some pot from time to time. I had a little stash in my house that would last me forever. Until SHE moved in. She sniffed out my stash like a hound dog. lol. Every time I replaced it, it would be gone in days. Yeah, she could smoke a yr supply of weed in days. I also like the occassional beer or cocktail.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I rarely drink, perhaps two or three times a year, usually special occassions. Personally, I just dont like the taste of alcohol, nor the effect as it is like taking a sleeping pill. I would rather be awake, alert enjoying my company than yawning.

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

As much as I enjoy a nice cold beer, I have seen first hand throughout my entire life the damage that alcohol does to so many. I haven't drank in a few years and don't intend to anytime in the future.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Drinking is bad for me. I don't have the enzymes to digest alcohol, so I flush, I get sick to my stomach, get a headache, get dizzy and just don't feel good... I have had a drink or two with my A and it is funny because in my one or two, he has 10. I can't keep up and because of how I feel, its better if I just don't have any. I literally cannot tolerate it, physiologically. Emotionally, it can make me so sad or so angry. I have a lot of rage in side of me from childhood trauma and not having any contact with my biological father. So that mood altering chemical will throw me for a loop. I just have to stay away from it now. I have the traits to become alcoholic, its in my genes. As for pot, I too smoked that at a time, along with some other drugs here and there. It wasn't for me like it is for addicts. I could have it and not need it. I could go months and months without it, or even years. I had no feeling of obsession. My obsession is people (My A) and my addiction is chaos in my life. I am addicted to the adrenalin rush that chaos causes. I am trying to not partake in the chaos anymore. Because of that, I need alanon meetings to get better. They are my vaccine to guard me from illness...

clep · Senior Member

I never stopped drinking alcohol when my A was in recovery, not even in his first week. We did not have it in the house, but if I was out with a group of ladies I would have a drink, sometimes two.

Since I am not an A I do not behave as one. I am supportive of his not drinking and did not have it in the home when he first started AA. I quickly realized that relapse does not happen overnight or just because there is a bottle in the house. If an A wants to drink, they will find it, and if they don't want to they will leave it alone. I have wine in the house now almost all the time as I don't drink it very often so it sits there for long periods.

He has the program behind him and if he chooses not to use it, that is up to him. He could just as easily go to a bar or liquour store if he needs to. I really think this needs to be owned by him, not me.

My A doesnt' care if there is alcohol in the house, and he even stops at the liquour store on the way home if I need some.

He wasn't always like that. In fact he used to be very angry with me if I drank when he was not around. His program helped with that challenge for him.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ever hear an alcoholic compare his/her drinking to another? Someone is always worse. As an al-anon, I did that too. I NEVER caused the problems he did, never HAD the problems he had.

My "partaking" was well within the U.S. Surgeon General's guidelines for women. My codependence was the reason for my drink-a-day habit. I, too, decided ,"if I can't beat em, join em." I drank to be included, if I didn't... he was gone with his friends. I didn't want to be alone.

Once in al-anon, a new medical doctor came across my path who put me on a candida cleanse... no alcohol allowed for 3 months. For me, not a problem, I gladly did it. I easily did it. I never touched it again. Four years later, I took my seat in AA.

Why? The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking... or, to not drink today (my personal translation.) I decided I didn't want to drink anymore. I decided a true alcoholic wasn't a trenchcoat-wearing low-life who lives under the viaduct hiding his bottles. I decided an alcoholic was someone like me, who escaped regularly through work, shopping, and a daily drink. I didn't know what I really needed, was a close relationship with Higher power.

For me, to drink is to separate myself from my Higher power... I become completely self-obsessed when I drink... it's all about me. For me, this is hardly making myself a channel for my higher power. How can HP use me if I'm looped?!

I embrace this spiritual journey. For a long time, I was afraid that I was not a true alcoholic, that I might get kicked out of AA. (seriously, I've had nightmares of myself clinging to the meeting table leg crying, "please don't kick me out!!!!") Of course, no one has the power to dictate to another what an "alcoholic" is. It's just a word. It is just..... a...... word.

For me, I asked myself, "what is the problem?" and "what do I want to do about it?"

I want "this thing" that the old-timers have. I want to be who my HP would have me be. So, I keep coming back... to al-anon, to AA, and to ACA. I am blessed beyond measure.

Good luck on your journey as you decide what is right for you. Namaste

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 09:25:58 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My story in short: My A-ex drank like a fish when we met. I was a binge drinker but not totally out of control. Flash forward 7 years towards the end of the relationship....My drinking got lots worse as the relationship deteriorated. It became the only thing we had in common keeping us together and the main thing tearing us apart as well if that makes sense. The relationship and my life was so fraught with drama and BS that I drank to numb the problems and then the drinking created more problems. After an eye opening event (drunken car crash), I left the relationhip and the booze behind me and began in AA.

So...now I have been sober for just shy of 3 years. I am rigid about not dating anyone who drinks regularly. My current partner of about a year will have like 1 drink when we go out on the weekend. In my first year of sobriety, I could not be around alcohol or bars AT ALL. I was too afraid of relapse. Now, it's not a big deal. I feel like I can socialize with anyone now, except for active alcoholics (that is too painful for me and an exercise in futility). I am too inclined to judge an active alcoholic (or user) and want to shove the AA solution in their face. Maybe with more sobriety time that will dissipate too. I am friends now with my Alcoholic ex though it took a few years of distance. Currently we will text back and forth but when I get glimpse of the old crazy lifestyle I used to lead and the round and round repeated set of problems that he always has due to his drinking, I have to back off for my own sanity. For years I thought I couldn't stop drinking without him doing it with me. What it turned out to be was that I couldn't stop drinking WITH HIM at all.

Anyhow, I wanted to respond to the topic even though, aside from Jerry, and gladlee, my answer is inherently different than most of your due to my own alcoholism.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thankyou to every one for being so open andhonest with me.
In my opinion, I think a person can be addicted or dependent on one substance, and recreationally use another at the same time. If a person gives up one substance, the recreational substance may soon become the drug of choice for the addiction, whilst the person thinks they have 'beat their addiction'. I see it all the time at my employment.

I am confident that my addiction is people too. I seem to be addicted to addicts. Not sure where the reward pathways are triggered, there seems to always be pain without the initial 'rush' of euphoria unless that is what falling in love is all about.

For the moment, I think me having a smoke is hypocritical as I have not yet truly internalised the acceptance of his disease. I understand that when he stopped smoking, he started drinking. He never drank when I first met him. When he quit smoking, he started to drink. He doesn't get drunk, but I see also that the amount he drinks is outside of healthy paramaters. He can just as easily not drink if he is driving, and it doesn't mean he has to have a smoke if he doesn't drink. He can be the sober and the straight one.

What I got from this was a mixed bag of responses and I can see from it that we are each individual and there is not right and wrong. It doesn't matter what I do, smoke or not smoke (which as I said, I only do a couple of times a year), he will continue to or he won't. If he were to try to stop or slow down, there is no way in the world I would smoke. I didn't touch it since 1991 until 2007 when I had a tiny little taste of it. I still can't even have a full one to myself or I will be sick. I have a tiny little puff on his and I am done.
I will ponder my motives a little more.

rrib · Senior Member

Sorry, I'm confused.

You both drink and smoke pot but drinking is not a problem for either one of you but pot is a problem just for him because he smokes too much?

How much drinking is OK? And how much pot smoking is too much?

Myself, I began attending Al-Anon about 4 years after I sobered up. I still attend AA meetings on a regular basis and have not had a drink or a recreational drug since 1992.

During that time I've met alot of people who try drinking because they think some drug is the only problem or the opposite, continue with some drug because they think drinking is the only problem.

My recover is important to me. I believe that experimenting with drugs could lead me back to alcolhol, that experimenting with alcolhol could lead me back to drugs, that experimenting with either could lead me back to being co-dependent and that continued co-dependence could lead me back to alcolhol and drugs.

In short, I believe the 1st part of the 1st step and I AM POWERLESS over this stuff.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks for your share rrib

I would say that I HAVE smoked pot. I HAVE taken recreational drugs and occassionally do. I do drink alcohol.

What you have brought up is one of the dilemmas that go on in my mind. Why am I focussed on one substance and not another. Why is pot smoking an issue for me when he does it.

My answer at this point in time is: He used to ahve a major habit and be a major player in teh world of pot. He quit. all was good. His attitude to alcohol is different to his attitude to pot. He often offers to be sober bob and he is not obsessed with alcohol. If we run out. that is ok. His attitude to alcohol does not change if he is smoking or not smoking pot (ie when he quit)

With Pot however.... there is no compromising with him. He is all consumed by it. He quit and re started, he tries to manage it, it is constantly on his mind. He shows all the traits to an addiction.

I understand about cross addiction and drug substitution. Hence why I asked the question about peoples opinions for themselves.

As I mentioned previously I am getting mixed bags of responses. I find the responses from people in both AA and Al Anon stronger than those that are not in both.

That is perfectly ok and I am learning alot from that. So again, thankyou for your post, sorry for any confusion.

-- Edited by Lindaoakford on Thursday 25th of August 2011 02:27:53 AM

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

rrib wrote:

How much drinking is OK? And how much pot smoking is too much?

I'm not sure. That is one of my questions in my mind. I guess I am going with what I learned from my Mum and Dad being in the program since I was 8

It doesn't matter how much a person uses, it is the mind set and the changes it makes to the persons personality that is the sign of addiction.

That is my belief. A person can drink once a year and have the issue of alcoholism, or they can drink every day and not be alcoholic.

so yeah.. again.. my internal dilemma... why don't I like him smoking pot... it is his attitude to it, his change inside him when it is around. It is like he has taken on a lover and I am the second fiddle.

Maybe the only problem is my own jealousy??????

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand the difference Linda. Rrib makes a good point though which is that if your husband was in any kind of program, they wouldn't advocate the use of either and also...he may not have a problem with alcohol at the moment, but there is a good chance that if you just snatched all his weed away from him or he was unable to smoke somehow he would then start drinking alcoholicly.

rrib · Senior Member

Coming up as a 'hippie', I did drugs for years before beginning my drinking 'career'.

I never thought there was any problem about my drug use. Nor did I have any thought about the occasional drinking that I did. I eventually switched over to alcohol (many reasons) and continued being a 'functional' drinker for many years. Eventually, my drinking had some consequence which lead me into AA. I could have just a easily come into recovery through the Al-Anon door since even then, I didn't think MY drinking had anything to do with my problems. In my mind, everything was my ex-AW's fault.

It was not until I actually stopped using and began working the program that I began to realize I was never a 'normal' drinker or a 'normal' druggie. It wasn't until I eventually attended Al-Anon meetings and began learning about co-dependence that I began to see how my relationship problems were related to using and growing up in a drinking environment.

There's a definition of a 'normal' drinker that I've heard. I believe it because although I once thought everyone drank the same as me, I know now that some (read: most) don't. When a 'normal' drinker has a drink, maybe a 2nd or part of a 2nd, his body begins to shut down. He feels the buzz and his mind tells him 'I really don't care for how this is feeling now, I've had enough'. He stops at that point and doesn't want more. He probably goes home, tries to get laid and goes to sleep. The alcoholic drinker has that same drink or two and his mind tells him 'I like how that feels, this is a good start'. Alcohol is just another drug so go ahead and substitute 'addictive personality' for alcoholic if you'd like.

Here's another 'test'. The non-alcoholic, non-addictive person can take it or leave it. He can put it down, leave it alone and he doesn't care. He has no feelings of remorse when it's not appropriate to use. He has no craving or desire to use. And he feels no resentment about not using.

-- Edited by rrib on Thursday 25th of August 2011 10:32:50 AM

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Linda, I havee followed your posts closely and have a great deal of empathy for the inner turmoil which you are struggling with. I get the impression that you are very analytic and tend to intellecuualize when faced with issues? would you say: Am I warm?/or not? in this impression. (I catch myself doing the same thing sometimes). Not a criticism---just an observation of your particular "style".

I pose a couple of questions, based on the personal information that you have so candidly shared with us. 1) Do you accept that your husband has an addiction? 2) Do you ever wonder if your issues with control are connected to your issues from your past experiences with addiction and abuse?

These are questions for you. I ask these because these seem to be core issues for most everybody in alanon---acceptance of reality and how our past influences our present.

Linda, you seem to have great determination. This journey is primarily for you to attend to yourself. As I understand it--co-dependence is at baseline the issue of focusing on others to the extent that the self is neglected. The neglect of self is what I see as the central issue.

I hope that this post may be of some help---as always, take what you need and discard the rest.

In support, Otie

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Otie
You have hit the nail on the head and as I was hoping most people here would be the same and could empathise with that.
I can intelectualise anything... it is the feelings I have difficulty with and knowing what to accept and what not to accept.

mikeco · Member

I have not been here in a while and was glad to see this post. Both of my parents are severe alcoholics, as were my grandparents, aunts and uncles going back at least 3 generations. Everyone is so secretive about it that I grew up with it right in front of my face and didn't even realize there were any problems until my mom forced my dad to get help when I was a kid. I was shocked that he was officially an alcoholic! My mom was more secretive with her drinking and was much worse than my dad. I finally hit my bottom and found Al anon about 7 years ago.
My mom nearly died about 5 years ago. She was in intensive care with cirrhosis and her liver had essentially shut down. This was after 2 bouts of Pancereatitis that almost did her in. Throughout the whole thing I could not even get my dad to say the word Alcoholic. He lied to the doctors and told half truths about her drinking so the doctors didn't get the whole story. Her liver was in such bad shape that her body could not process the meds that the doctors gave her because of the misinformation.
It was after that last trip to the hospital and learning a lot about a horrible family history that I decided I hated alcohol with everything I had. I drank and partied through high school and into my 30's but didn't seem to have a problem with it. After seeing my mom like that I decided "No more." It's hard being the only one of my friends, co-workers, family that does not partake. Not hard not to partake, but the feeling of being around those who do and trying to "fit in" while stone sober and trying not to judge. Trying not to sit and pick out the alcoholics in the room, and also being careful not to be the caretaker or designated driver for everyone. That is not my job. It's a tough place to be in for me but I wouldn't change it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.