The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
yesterday i shared a moment of realisation for me that I was being very silly about finding a lighter in the bin. Such a little trigger.
As the afternoon progressed and I went home, I wanted it to continue. I deliberately did not want to know or even have an idea if he had been smoking or not. If something told me he had, I was going to acknowledge it and move on.
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO THIS AFTERNOON (thanks guys)
I wanted to walk the dog on the beach and watch the sunset. Darwin has the most beautiful sunsets in Australia.
I got home before him and deliberately did not go anywhere near where the drawer is. Hard to do as I have to get there to get my clothes out the wardrobe. I actually shut my eyes hahahahahahahahaha.. funny....
He got home and his eyes had the red rim. I didn't bite to it as I would have before. I asked if he wanted to walk the dog with me and he instantly agreed. Off we went.
It was lovely. He ran up the beach with the dog and I saw the silhouette of him and his dog playing in the sunset on this huuuuuge expanse of sand and water. no other people near us. I didn't feel that gush of warmth and love to the depth I felt before we were married, but I did feel content. I thought... who would look at that scene and think that man has a deep demon inside of him that makes him to do very strange things to hurt me. That demon isn't my husband. This man right here is myhusband, and I am appreciating him right now.
Later in teh night the topic of smoking came up, as it does when it is one persons favourite thing to do, and again I didn't bite. I didn't ask if he had. I just assumed he had. I didn't tell him that I thought he had. I mentioned his eyes were red rimmed.
I told him that lately, Ihave been appreciating that when I ask the question, I am getting an honest answer. He said, that I HAD been not trusting him, I was having trust issues. I laughed and said that would be because you were lying to me (and in my head said... and you will again). He just gave me that sheepish look and I gave him a kiss and the conversation moved on.
I didn't press and ask if he smoked that morning. I know he had. Without checking his drawer, without asking him, I know he had.
HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART... I DIDN'T LET IT CHANGE MY MOOD. we had a nice night.
When I had been in the program only a few months and accepted what is written on Pg. 74 in Courage To Change my life got better. I fired myself and took off my detective badge for the last time. The pay was low anyway, plus it took time away from taking care of me. I had to admit and accept what I read was true.
"Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don't drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles, or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn't cause it, I can't control it. And I can't cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism, and let Al-Anon redirect the energy I've spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects."
The problem wasn't the alcoholic in my life.....the problem was me. I still live with active alcoholism daily, but the program has given me a different set of eyes, and I now I can see it in a different perpective.
