Crossed my boundaries tonight. Argument with the A. - Al-Anon Family Group

jitsuka · Senior Member

Crossed my boundaries tonight. Argument with the A.

onewholovesrock · Member

Yikes! I'm new to Al Anon. Also living in this crazy world. It's crazy to hear all these stories and why we put up with all this. How could you not explode? Don't forget about your health. Usually living in this kind of situation is alot unhealthier than what the addict is doing to themselves. Hang on there!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Ok, you messed up now what .. I can't remember if you have posted how long you have been in the program if you are working with a sponsor or not I would say if you can please find a face to face meeting asap.

When I loose my place I go back to the beginning and start from there, pick up an alanon book, lit, come on the site, whatever it is that gets me regrounded. Lately it's been a lot of meetings. I'm still working on working with a sponsor. Simple concept for some .. lol .. not so much for me for some crazy reason.

It's important to remember we are all human and stress is going to come in all forms. Mine hit last week, it was like 100 things coming at me and I panicked. Wasn't my best moment however the sun did shine the next day and a good sleep made a big difference. Some days are going to be a lot easier than others. Yes, you messed up. It's all about the fact you know you messed up and that's a good thing. I say go back to the beginning and put yourself back in the powerlessness of alcoholism. I love how the first 3 steps are summed up. I can't, God can, I'll let him. That reminds me in a second that I'm not going to control anything about my life except how I choose to react and perceive my own emotions in that moment. AND I'm not alone ever. Even if the situation feels hopeless it's not.

You handled the aftermath really well, at least I think, you understood you messed up, you gave a boundary that wasn't hurtful or silence that hurts too. I hope you will do some self care be easy on yourself. If you can't make a meeting on iTunes there are some great podcasts in the podcast area. Listen to those, however whatever you do find something that will lift you up. I should say that works for me .. it reminds me that there is always hope and I'm always going to be able to start again, even when I slip.

Hugs, P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

jitsuka

I feel for you, I really do. I think everyone here really understands what you are going through as we have all been in similar (never the same) situations.

I am new here so I do not feel that I can do much for you except to give you what I have gleaned from what you said.

In my eyes, you picked up pretty quickly that you had overstepped your boundary and you changed your course of action. This is a good thing, I learned from that. None of us are perfect and you were in a very difficult situation.

What your partners illness said to you is hurtful, and you have a right to feel what you are feeling. You came to this board to express your feelings and debrief. Do you have anyone you can call?

I think you did ok myself, and you seem to be able to dust yourself off and pick yourself up again. Start back at step one.

Do something about the stress you are feeling.

on another note, ESH from the point of a child of an alcoholic, you stated that if it weren't for the kids, you would have left. I would suggest you may want to consider what a healthy environment is for you and your kids. The healthy environemnt is what is best for them to grow up in. Either with or witout the influence of the active user.

Hope your day is better tomorrow

jitsuka · Senior Member

Thank you.

Yeah I feel pretty emotionally exhausted right now. Been running things over in my head. I first posted all of this in the chat room (thanks to Allicanbe and Dani_22 for listening) where I first ranted as soon as I got back in ;)

I'm pretty much at step 3 at the moment. I've only been to f2f meetings for a year and not been to one for AGES. There is a meeting tomorrow night though locally, although my daughter is still here. I may have to wrangle it. The meeting is really good, there are other men there (we are a rarity I've found at f2f meetings ;) ), I'm pretty much a person who wears their hearts on their sleeves so will be quite an emotional wreck. Last time I went a couple of people offered their numbers (which i've lost) and I've not got a sponsor yet.

Oh yes, did I mention stress? ... i'm due to start a PhD next month haha....

jitsuka · Senior Member

onewholovesrock wrote:
Yikes! I'm new to Al Anon. Also living in this crazy world. It's crazy to hear all these stories and why we put up with all this. How could you not explode? Don't forget about your health. Usually living in this kind of situation is alot unhealthier than what the addict is doing to themselves. Hang on there!

Learning the steps means I don't explode. I did in the past. The steps have helped.

Learning to disengage with love is the hardest step I've found. I'm still working on it. It's taken a year to do that and I believe I'm there.

I remember the three C's - that I did not Cause this, that I cannot Control it and that I cannot Cure it...

I'm going to read some al-anon literature tomorrow. I've neglected this for too long.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

jitsika, Glad you're here although I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're dealing with. I think everybody here has dealt with similar situations(and some of us still are ) so we certainly understand. Well, you reacted. What a surprise - you're human. But there is a bright side and that is that you realize what you did and backed off before it went any further. Self awareness can be a powerful thing. You can learn from this experience and do differently next time. This program is great and it really does work, but it doesn't happen overnight. It sounds to me like you are getting it poco a poco (little by little) as we say around here. And that's the important thing - you ARE getting it. I hope you can get to that meeting tomorrow.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes it is a horrible place to be.Even more so, horrible for those kids.

Have you set up boundaries with consequences?

example: if you are drunk do not come home. I would like a call to know where you are. \if you come home drunk, you leave or I take the kids and leave.

do not drink at home. do not leave bottles all over for the kids to find. If you do, you leave or I take the kids and leave.

If you are violent,throwing things, threatening, violent, you leave, if you don't I call the police to have you removed.

No arguement,the boundaries with consequences are set.

The thing to me is protecting those kids. So you left the house? Left the kids alone with her?

To me it is a matter of maturity, if there is someone around who is not being appropriate around my kids or any kids, I remove us or the A or whoever has to go. period.

If you can catch your wife in a lucid time, I would sit down and make boundaries with her. If she agrees great. If not, I would make them anyway and stick to them.

The key is to not allow the bs to start in the first place. Leaving the situation is important.

My thing has always been to protect my kids, heck with what I wanted. She will probably freak out if you take the kids, all the better, let her, call the police, let her get picked up and learn the consequences of the behavior.

We do them no service by allowing it in our lives. This is totally my experience. NEVER telling anyone what to do. all I know is it worked for me.

And hey make sure you have an escape plan. Kids cloths and needs in the trunk or at a neighbors house. Extra car key, some money,whatever. A list of phone numbers where to go. Police's number or use 911.

Believe me it can only get worse. love,debilyn

jitsuka · Senior Member

She was full of remorse this morning I could tell.

I maintained my serenity, I was not gloating, I just did my own thing. Sorted the kids breakfast, stayed downstairs this morning to read over al-anon form. Partner not in work until this afternoon.

After I had showered and was getting ready, she was full of the "poor-me's", she said that she must drink less, starting with today. I just carried on getting ready, doing my own thing. She said that she remembered turning off the electricity but not much else.

I said do you remember tossing a cake of CDs at me? Somehow the bedroom wireless telephone handset wound up out the bedroom window, do you remember me asking you politely to move out of the way so I could go out the front door for a walk but you said "what are you going to do, hit me?" and I had to hop over the back fence?

Also said that last night I crossed my boundaries and I shouldn't have. That my boundaries are that if you've been drinking I will not interact with you one bit. I wasn't scolding or triumphant, just calm and matter-of-fact.

I said that I will help and support her but only she can conquer this and she needs to think about that for all our sakes and hers of course.

Then went downstairs.

She seems a bit remorseful. We'll see how long it lasts.

Welcome to the world of denial and the powerlessness you have over alcohol.

Here endeth the lesson.

jitsuka · Senior Member

She came home and seemed a bit more circumspect tonight. We all stayed together as a family - instead of her hiding upstairs and pretending to do stuff on eBay/putting away clothes (and bedroom drinking) she made a concious effort to stay downstairs and us do stuff together - wash/clean the dishes/prepare dinner, which was all good.

Partner did the bathtime with the kids whilst I put away loads of clothes that have been mounting up, then got the kids to bed.

Watched a film downstairs together, then went to bed (film was crap lol), it was quite relaxed. Cuddled and held hands.

... hopefully the next few days will be the same, we'll see - I'm sure the temptation of alcohol will be there

jitsuka · Senior Member

Well didn't last long. She's been sober 1 day and that was it. Back drinking again every night , so back to old habits.

This cycle of denial and addiction is madenning.

I'm just disappointed and feel sad, but concentrating on my own recovery, the 3 C's and keepping my sanity (!).

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs jitsuka,

It IS hard and it's because any addiction is baffling, cunning and totally irrational. I hope you can find a face to face meeting and many blessings to your own continued healing.

In support hugs, P :)

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