The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sister is an ACOA as am I. I have been fortunate to have been in the rooms of Al-anon for a couple of years and many years of work on myself before that. My charachteristics have almost gone now from my A childhood and father.
My sister who lives with me is a basket case however. She has the classic symptoms and most of them to the extreme. I find the way she creates chaos in her life over trivial things such as a fb game, to her obsession over the actions of others, her overly negative and judgemental attitudes towards others, exaggerated reactions and anger, to be quite irritating at times. She does not work and lives on her fb game and the forum trying to change the perceptions of others, get's in an uproar over their "stupidity" and tries to use the sarcasm we learned so well to irritate others on a constant basis. Her life is complete chaos.
She knows I go to Al-anon and she does know that there are lingering issues from our childhood, but seems to recognize those issues in the rest of our family but not in herself.
I have thought of handing her a sheet with the symptoms of an ACOA on it and leaving it at that, or sharing how much better my life is since I have addressed these same issues myself. Has anyone else been around an ACOA and what was your experiences.
Me and my sister are ACOA's. I've been in Alanon for a little over 3 years now. My sister has never gone.
I get extremely frustrated with the drama - and the way she has of dragging any willing member of my family of origin into it. She's very good at playing the "poor me" card, and very good at blaming other people. She's also a complete hypochondriac and any given conversation will have a million details about the latest illness she's diagnosed herself with. I get completely frustrated with the fact that she always says that stress causes her to be sick - but she will not make an effort to develop any new methods to handle said stress. In fact, she creates her own stress a lot of the time!! Ugh. She just doesn't seem to live in reality - at least not MY reality.
I've explained to her that I feel that I (I didn't say "we," I said I ... just me) did not grow up with good coping skills. The only coping skills I ever saw my mom use were to have a meltdown tantrum, complete with tears - one that would rival the ones thrown by my 2 year old son - and then my stepfather would swoop down and start the "saving" process. Everyone talked about everyone behind everyone else's back, nobody had any boundaries, nobody had any respect for anybody else, and nobody had a clue that the way we were living wasn't healthy. I explained to my sister that I feel I've gotten a lot of valuable coping skills in Alanon. She said she doesn't feel she needs to go because she doesn't live with active alcoholism anymore. I explained my perspective that it's not only for people living with active alcoholism, it's also for people living with the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. I feel that I've put it out there enough times that she knows it's available and it's free and she can go get it too, if she decides she wants to. At this point, I don't think she wants to. She's happiest when she's in crisis mode.
The last time she went into meltdown crisis mode, I emailed her a list of meeting times in her area. I never got a reply and never followed up.
I totally understand the frustration, but I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to make her realize that the way she's living is causing her own stress and anxiety. She doesn't see a problem - and until she does, she isn't going to seek out a solution. If and when she gets tired of it, she can make the changes she deems appropriate for her life. In my experience, dealing with an ACOA is the same as dealing with an alcoholic. Someone can throw the solution out there, but until the person knows there's a problem there won't be any change.
If we, as ACoA's can be addicted to addicts... then we are addicts... I am starting to think about that one more and more and identify in myself the addictive traits. If this is the case, your sister is an addict and can be treated with the same principles of Al Anon as if dealing with the active user. Thats just my thoughts.
Hi clep ~ I recently had the opportunity to share some of what I've learned in Alanon with my brother during a really heartfelt conversation we were having about relationship issues. Mainly I focused on sharing my story with him and how much better I'm now feeling now. I let him borrow one of my books - How Alanon Works - over a weekend and told him he could have it if he wanted. I let go of pushing for any particular outcome for him or trying to control anything for him. He's a man and needs to make up his own mind and make his own decisions. It's another perfect time to let go and let God! I felt it was fair to share with him what I've been doing and what I feel has been working for me. If he later wants to know more, he can look into it or ask me. I didn't think there would be virtue in keeping my story of positive growth and healing from him. So that was my story... I don't know what's right for you and your situation.
