The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel really good about my progress over the last year and especially since finding Alanon a few months ago. It was definitely the right time for me!
I am going through the steps and attending face to face meetings and doing nearly everything I'm "supposed" to do except I still haven't found a sponsor :( In any case, I do have my higher power, a counselor, this board, people at my meetings and a very close friend who's been through all of this herself and provides great guideposts. So I'm doing all right for now. I think what I need to do is try to attend some other meetings and try to meet more Alanon people in town and eventually I will get a sponsor. I do see that it's very important. In a way, I think it's good for me to listen to myself right now and not just force a bad fit because I'm "supposed" to have a sponsor and I think I'm able to meet some of the sponsor needs through prayer and meditation, my counselor, this group and my friend.
So anyway, step four is hard! I was laughing today about it - No wonder it's rare for people to work all these steps!! This is some of the hardest work out there! I shocked myself with getting through the first 3 steps and have taken much longer with step 4's fearless moral inventory. I'm looking at the good as well as the bad and working through reading, study guides and journaling. I'm writing it all out!
It seems like it's taking a long time and certainly strikes a nerve that is a difficult stretch for me. An honest assessment of what I like and don't like about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, my history and my hopes, etc. It's very tough. I feel like I've never seen myself truly before. I think I've always skewed things to hide or affirm my perceived defectiveness and now I don't have to, but it's going to take a while for this new perspective to fit. I see where this is going and I think this might actually be the true challenge of my life right now - to see myself clearly and to love and accept myself for who I truly am.
Just some thoughts... For those who've been through this, any ESH to offer for those of us new in the trenches of step 4??
Getting to know oneself? Isn't it interesting what we discover when we look inwards and not outwards, when we busy ourselves with us, the less time we have to bother what anyone else is thinking or doing, when you can get to a point where our day is our very own, and only we have the power to choose our day.
I am working on self awarness right now, I didn't consciously choose too, something just seems to be guiding me blindly, I like that I am spending my time descovering who I am and how I want to be, as apposed to looking back and feeling sorry for myself and feeling I have to stay stuck because of all thats gone before, I want to use all thats gone before to be nicer happier, kinder, more patient, forgiving, appraochable, and loving, God makes work of idle hands, thankyouGod for keeping me busy!
Wow It certainly sounds as if you are doing very well. Step 4 is at times daunting and as you have discovered so very enlightening and rewarding. Working on ourselves is a great use of our time.
You are taking this step with honesty, and as a reading in the The ODAT suggests :
Step 4 will reveal our true selves to us and will enable us to accept all of our parts with love and kindness.
I learned to appreciate the good and build on the assets so I could discard the negative that hindered my life.
I did not have to use denial or pretend as tools to hide from the world. What I found in this process was that I always denied the Good and built on the Negative.
How destructive is that!!!
A sponsor is truly helpful in this process and including assets is a very powerful part of the program -- maybe your friend could be a "temporary sponsor"
I have done many Step 4s in my years in alanon because as I grew in the program more was uncovered. Just keep on keeping on
You are on your way and are a Miracle in Progress.
I was going to make the same suggestion as Betty, see if you can find a temporary sponsor. When I moved to another state, I was like you, I was waiting to find the "perfect" sponsor, just like the one I had before.... which only revealed my defect of perfectionism, I was told.
The spiritual path doesn't require perfectionism from me. My perfectionism is my own pride... and it keeps me from growing in a lot of areas of my life.
I don't know what's right for you, but for me, I am always better off when I get out of my own head... working with my temporary sponsor was a gift. She was with me for 8 months.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Congratulations on your journey thus far! My only comment around step 4 - and it does sound like you are keeping a good balance, from what you have said - is that we have to be careful not to be too hard or critical on ourselves... Some of the great old sayings like the three below come to mind....
It is okay to look at your past, just don't stare
I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time
Self-awareness is great, but I won't allow it to escalate into self-mutilation
Step 4, for me, kind of depended on where my head was at when I was doing it.... if I was really down on myself, I was overly critical.... I think this is where the value of sponsorship can come in handy, to help you maintain that necessary balance...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Before working with a sponsor I thought I could be honest and fearless with my fourth step inventory until I finally met with a face to face sponsor. I told her I was ready for the 4th step and she said, o.k., let's go back and look at the first 3 proposals. It was pretty clear that I needed to go back and thoroughly work steps 1 - 3 with a sponsor for which I thought I had done a good job on my own. It made the world of a difference because step 4 suggests to me to write a fearless and searching moral inventory. I found I was able to find that fearless place when I made that third step decision and reviewed my 3rd step work with a sponsor.
Since then I find myself wanting to do a 4th step at least once per year. It helps me clear my thinking and check my motives. When I take a fifth step with a sponsor, I have the opportunity to look the world square in the eye, being ashamed of nothing. I have one person in the world the accepts me and loves me regardless of the mistakes I have made in my life. That is for me the blessing of doing it with someone else who has gone before you and the blessing of having a sponsor.
Thank you all for your feedback and thoughts on this step and the miracle process we're all going through!
It was great to emphasize the balance of positive and negative, to avoid perfectionism, to build on the positive and to find a sponsor. I think that I have two people to fill that role for me temporarily and that's the best I can do for me right now. I feel really good about my progress and I recognize that I'll probably have to work these steps over and over again. It's tough, but I know I'm on the right track.
