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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I learned someone whoI had a real resentment towards had died suddenly. The resentment was a pretty remote one, an envy at their success so please don't send me condolences. This isn't about loss, or wanting to have closure or any of that. I have not spoken to this person for years they weren't a big part of my life but never the less in my codependence I compare, judge and make it all about "poor me" rather than accept....for me its...now about my chronic resentment issues.
This is the second person who's died who I resented deeply in the last few months. The other person, a former co worker, was also morbidly obese (although I never had that much compassion about that). I resented that he didn't do what I wanted him to do! I resented he didn't choose me at a certain time when I needed to make a move from one department to another. He chose a people pleaser (who else would he choose because other people commented he wheezed all the time and could barely walk).
Obviously my expectations of people who are really ill are way off! None of this was a feud standard or a wrenching resentment that kept me up at night but I did spend quite a bit of time just being morosely angry and envious of both of them...and they were both morbidly ill!!!!! Talk about not being able to be realistic. And at the same time talk about being in a really really bad space of not feeling I had anything at all.
I can go into the "poor me" stance very very quickly and live there. And I can fuel it from wherever I am which lets face it isn't too great a place most of the time. Being poor, exhausted, sick and tired is not exactly serenity making. I'm exhausted because I work 7 days a week, commute more than 4 hours a day (on the week day) 2 on the weekend (the ex A crashed all our cars)....and I have very very little to show for it. I may be able to scrape up enough to go to the doctor this month because I can pay for the prescription rather than have to go without....
The ex A lived, ate and breathed "poor me", particularly when he got ill (which was a direct result of his addiction). I currently have a roommate who is also obese (although I wouldn't say its morbid) he's got a major heart problem and he won't change his lifestyle at all. He still smokes! He hasn't lost weight and he's mad that he has to change. I don't engage that much with him besides to tell him I hate smoking !!!!! I don't even question him which is a real new one for me. The only way I can stay free of resentment is to detach day in day out and that's not always a possibility for me. I don't even realize I'm in toxic resentment mode till I get to a place of exhausting myself.
Right now I have significant problems, dental, medical, roommates ( I hate living with these people), jobs (I'm looking for one I work 7 days a week), ....I can be in resentment about this or I can choose otherwise. I can find another mode of being...
The big thing is I'm alive and I have choices. I may not like any of those choices but I get to make them. I'm no longer in the place of courting my death by living and driving with an alcoholic day in day out. The ex A crashed 4 cars and I still drove with him!!!!! He has two or three hit and run records and I still wanted him to give me rides!!!! I'm no longer in the place of being so overly stressed by living with an alcoholic and trying to make a relationship with them. I do have to be around some incredibly dysfunctional people who make the word "slob" look like a parody...but I do have choices about how much I engage with them (which is not at all if I can help it).
I can make change I can use these dealbreakers of knowing I'm in a toxic mode rather than bury myself in being a victim....This woman's death is a deal breaker for me to give up resenting, being a victim and never feeling I have enough... Acceptance is a real hard one...when my backs against the wall all I can think about is "its not fair".
I actually identified with much of this Maresie. It is really hard to "do the next right thing" as it were when you don't feel like you are seeing the results you want. I am reminded though that by doing the next right thing consistently, I will be rewarded in God's time and it might not be they way I expected to be rewarded. I read that some of the promises are coming true for you as a result of your actions and that is that you don't live in the same amount of crippling fear and insanity that you used to. That is certainly progress.
I form a lot of resentments and have a hard time with people not acting how I want them too also. With an education in psychology, I sometimes feel like I can see deep into people and then I judge their entire character and get so mad at them for what I perceive to be defects in their character that could easily be remedied if they just took responsibility. Alas, I also must remember that it's only my job to take inventories of people when I'm being paid to do a clinical assessment and when it comes to working the 12 steps, my inventory of myself is all that really matters.
The only other thing I can think of to say is keep trudging the road to happy destiny (a saying which reminds me that it's not always easy but there is overall good, peace, and serenity that we are all working for).
I can make change I can use these dealbreakers of knowing I'm in a toxic mode rather than bury myself in being a victim....This woman's death is a deal breaker for me to give up resenting, being a victim and never feeling I have enough... Acceptance is a real hard one...when my backs against the wall all I can think about is "its not fair".
Maresie.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie
What a powerful insightful posting. I agree, acceptance is hard and often painful. I can recognize the "It's Not Fair" cry. It was a tool I also used before reaching acceptance.
Before alanon I always went from awareness to action. Alanon taught me that I need always wait and stop at acceptance, before any effective action could be taken.
One of the big facts that I had to accept was that Life was not always fair and I could live with that.
That was a really interesting share and it's really cool that you are being so open and honest with yourself and willing to share your journey with us. Resentments are often truly toxic to us and those around us, but can be hard to prevent or to let go of. It sounds like you're well on your way with awareness and acceptance and making the changes that you need to bring more happiness into your life. I've been trying to work on that stuff too. I read somewhere on here that resentments should always alert us to a boundary issue we need to deal with and that's been a huge eye opener for me. In my experience, resentments have always pointed towards something that *I* needed to be doing differently. Keep it up! This is tough work! Wishing you lots of strength and grace!
You didn't ask for it, and I hope it's ok but, I prayed God's grace and mercy abound to you and bless you in everyway, just know that all is well....With love ...Ruby!
Maybe it isn't coming across but I do have a great deal of compassion for this person (who I once worked with) who died. She had tremendous success in her life, professionally she excelled. Personally she died at over 400 lbs an entirely preventable death, it wasn't a car accident it was self propelled much like alcoholism is. Something obviously was very amiss. She also received a really prestigious fellowship that would have practically guaranteed more work but she went down a path of complete oblivion with morbid obesity instead.
I envied the success but not the 400 lbs. I like to pick and choose my resentments!
I've had friends who resented I had nice skin, when I pointed out the rest of my life wasn't so great they discounted that.
Hi, Actually your title should have been "gratitude!" instead of resentment. We all have envy but that is what propels us to become better. Another response to envy is gratitude that we have as much as we have. I felt terrible resentment about my relationship when I was before AlAnon. Then I started looking around and being grateful for what I did have, not what I thought I should have (because I was such a good person and I didn't deserve this....lol).
About your sorta friend who died....doesn't matter what accolades she got.... she won't get any more. Life is the most precious thing to be grateful for. And a happy life even more so..... It sounds like you are happy, so you really are the winner in every category.
a happy life is indeed a thing to be working on. Right now, poverty, illness, living circumstances, working 7 days a week make that pretty difficult. Nevertheless I'd say I'm happier than I've been in the past. I just need to overcome a few obstacles!
