The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a reminder of my over exaggerated responses this morning.
To prelude this conversation, I have not checked his drawer since my slip up how ever long ago when I looked. I have stopped counting or worrying about if I am looking or not, I somehow.... just stopped??? anyhooooo..... It has helped that when I do ask, I am getting honest answers from him. Well, I think they are.. I feel they are. Honesty is a SUPER important thing for me.
This morning, I put some paper in the bin by our bed and I saw a used lighter in there. His lighter from his pot smoking stuff. I froze. I could feel my body start to buzz, my breathing got faster all that stuff.
My mind said to me, he has gone through a whole lighter, when did he finish it, which one did I see him using on Sunday, this one I think, that means he has smoked since Sunday, that means he smoked yesterday, oh my god I didn't know, I didn't look, I didn't see it, this is bad, when did he buy a new one? Did he buy a new one? I better look ((I did) there is a new one, the bottom of it is brown, it has been used, and its new, is that why he walked the dog on Sunday night, to go and buy a new lighter? Wow, he kept that from me (start to shake about now and want to vomit). This is never going to end, spin spin spin.
I must have looked in the drawer three times to confirm what I saw. Trying to think where the new lighter came from etc etc etc.
Total and utter over reaction to seeing a lighter in a bin.
He came home from his first job and I was still home. Casually and nonchalantly, (yeah right.. voice shaking, breathing coming fast) I say, "I put something int he bin this morning and saw a dead lighter? When did that die?"
Oh some time last week he says. "Did you buy a new one?"
I had one already (me thinks.. we don't have spare lighters in our house, where where where)
anyway.... the conversation was light... the actual words are not important. My point is I went a bit crazy in my head because of a stupid lighter in a stupid bin. I said the bins should have been emptied on Wednesday (we have a cleaner that day) so it has been used and binned since then, and you haven't told me you have smoked between Wednesday and Sunday so I was just wondering.........
He says, yeah it was empty, it was sitting in with my stuff empty.
AT this point... something inside my head switched over. I thought... I am getting myself all worked up over a lighter!!!!
How important is it? Ummmm... duh... pot heads go through lighters... just another confirmation that his smoking has increased becasue he has had that lighter for about 4 years.
I calmed down and had a little giggle to myself. Who says I am not crazy. He was all good and he didn't get upset at my questions, he knew what was going through my head. FEAR, tht is what was happening and he knows it. He pointed it out to me once.
Such a tiny little thing and I made it into a disaster so much that I had a panic attack.
(((((LindaO)))))...Sounds like you want a meeting. When's the next one in your area? I remember being owned by her drinking and using and I mean "Owned". I could track her using and drinking shadow an hour after the sun went down and knew more about her and nothing about Jerry F...sooooo sad -and- sooooo sick. Meetings gave me my life and perspective back and I am forever grateful for it.
It's just a little thing but it has a big meaning -- "He's still smoking and he's smoking a lot. He's an addict and he's doing his addiction." That is what addicts do. It sounds as if you are still working at the acceptance part, which is the hardest part, I think. I kept thinking, "But it doesn't have to be this way!" But even though it didn't have to, it was that way. So hard.
You said in an earlier post that you couldn't take another breakup. I definitely know that feeling. All my breakups have been so hard and so painful that I don't want that pain in my life ever again. My therapist said that the attitude of a healthy person is, "Whatever happens, I'll handle it." Not just towards breakups, towards anything. I could see that I didn't have that attitude. My attitude was more, "I have been through so much pain that one little bit of extra pain will finish me."
What I found out, just in my case, was that the extra pain was being sucked into the insanity of the addiction. That was more painful than any breakup could be (and spread out over a much longer time). Whether I broke up or detached from the insanity but didn't break up was a less painful dilemma compared to being in the insanity.
My understanding of what you've been saying is that if he's a confirmed addict, then his behavior is insane (which is certainly true). And so you'll have to break up with him, but you can't stand another breakup, so you're stuck in an intolerable place.
I think Al-Anon would say that you can achieve detachment with love and not break up with him; or that you can break up with him while keeping yourself whole and preserving your serenity. Those two possibilties are what we learn to achieve.
I think its normal to be aware. I'm certainly aware my roommates use drugs, drink too much and are obnoxious. When I'm aware I have a choice to decide what I want to do about it rather than not deal with it.
There's a line between being aware and being in denial. I work hard at not being pulled into my roommates drama's binges and crises. Nevertheless they are there they are not going away and they do affect me.
Detachment is a real art. For me the ideal thing is to be as far away as possible from addiction. More and more I make that choice. Sometimes the choices build on each other. Sometimes I have to work on it. I do know I do make a huge gap between me and other's addictions these days. Most of all I do know I am aware. I do take notice. I do take note. I find noticing far more important than feeling helpless about it.
I feel I must have missed my main point in my original post..which is ok cos I ramble on a bit... or maybe a lot.
My point was that I caught myself. I did not let it ruin my day. I have identified that it was a trigger in ME. It was MY reaction. I eventually accepted that 'that is what a dopehead does'... goes through lighters. I gave myself a little shake.
The panic lasted only about half an hour or 15 minutes. I didn't draw it out into a long and painful 'discussion' with him this morning before work and then be late for work and be crying again. That is what I would have done a couple of months ago.
I stopped and said... you know what.. how important is it. This is what it is. I stopped panicking and stopped the crazy conversation with him and with MYSELF more importantly.
I stopped before I ended up vomiting at work for half the day, which is what I would have done a couple of months ago.
I have been told that a definition of fitness is not how far you can run, but how quickly your breathing returns to normal after the run. I feel today that my breathing returned to normal alot quicker than it would have previously. It was a tiny little step for me and I have to keep practicing one thing at a time. Right now, I am practicing acceptance adn man oh man... it is not easy and I think it will take quite some time.
Linda, keep coming :) Every day a little progress. Its hard to stop the old habits and stuff we did. You caught yourself. Remember to breathe. For me, asking my fiance what he drank, how much he drank, why'd he drink it, when'd he drink it... none of it made me feel better. When I backed off and started looking at me, I began to feel better and so did our relationship. I love this man. He is so sweet and kind, he always thinks of me and does stuff around the house. I love a man who has a disease. And he is trying to get better now because this program works when we work it... we don't know how. But backing off works. Take care of you... Hope you get to a meeting. Even open AA....
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
That is progress Linda. Step 3 is about letting go and letting God. God (or your HP) has a plan for you and for your husband and his addiction. None of this is going to work out Linda's way because of Linda's will. So, I read that you worked the 3rd step here and let go and moved forward. This reminds me of a saying I heard in my early sobriety which is "you can start your day over at any time." Sounds like you did.
No real words of wisdom from me miss Linda O, but I do have to say you crack me up and I enjoy your shares. The only thing that pops into my mind right now is to be patient and keep remembering the progress not perfection because this stuff takes a looooong time and it's hard work! It will get better :)
I agree! When and where is the next meeting! When I'm feeling like that I've to hurry to a meeting before I stroke out, have heart attack or go insane. I thank God for al-anon, I don't know where I would be if it hadn't been for my HP (God for me) guiding me through those doors for f&f meetings and to this site, hallelujah!! With love, Ruby!
That's great, Linda -- sorry I got distracted onto the problem -- I think I was projecting my own slowness at stopping the obsession onto you. No question you are working your recovery hard and heading for the miracles. And our addicts always give us more chances to practice, don't they?
Linda, I am learning to not project... I can't focus on the out comes... As I get better, I can only say that things around me are getting better. Stay in today, its a 24 hour program and you can start over any time :) Keep coming :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Mattie's word - " I think Al-Anon would say that you can achieve detachment with love and not break up with him; or that you can break up with him while keeping yourself whole and preserving your serenity. Those two possibilties are what we learn to achieve. " really hit home with me. I needed to hear them today. And Linda - you are making progress. Give yourself credit for that. Old habits are hard to break, especially when the triggers are still right there in our face.
