The material presented
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level.
The weekend was at least not spend in crisis. We're still going to have 2 marriage counseling appmts this week.
My husband did argue with me a little, but not screaming, throwing, etc. I could tell he was trying to use restraint. I recently took a job that offers a lot of future opportunities academically and professionally, and turned down a job for more money that was just for money. At the time he encouraged me to do what would make me happy. He saw the agony I went through trying to decide.
This weekend he basically told me that if I want "things" then I should have not turned down that job, etc (keep in mind that I don't ask for anything material). He has been unemployed for over a year. Lately his refusals to pick up my daughter from daycare feel like a punishment - he insists that it's my problem and that I just assume he has the time (this is entirely untrue). He resents that I have a job,that he doesn't, and that I turned down the other job - Right now I pay for everything other than the mortgage, which he does odd jobs to pay for. He came into the marriage with debt, and I have only acquired debt since being with him (my choice, my fault, I know). He also got upset with me for not putting my name on the mortgage and not sharing bank accounts. I haven't done this because I don't trust him. He will do anything he can to make me stay.
I feel guilty. I feel scared. I feel like I should quit this job and try to take another one for more money. I'm tired of being punished. In 15 months of him being unemployed, NOT ONCE have I nagged him about it, I just try to understand his struggle. Maybe I should be less understanding. I don't even want "things," I just want a healthy family.
While I love him, very much, I don't know if I'm staying because I want to, or because I fear that he would put me through a battle if I tried to leave. The example being the abusive situation from last week.
So frustrating.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Klotus - I'm still learning but sounds to me like you are focusing on what he thinks and wants, and not on what is best for you. Keep the focus and trust your instincts. You know what is BEST for you YOU!
Congratulations on the new job! Praise to your HP, not everyone is so blessed these days.
In my experience, I made my husband my higher power. I gave him and his opinions soo much power over me. I don't do that today.
Today, my Higher power guides me. Often, I get choices. I have free will, and I can move in any direction. Looks to me as though one of your choices feels more "right" for you... and that choosing the job that offers more money would be based on fear. That is never the right choice for me, my Higher power wants me to have faith and not make fear-based decisions... or make money my higher power... I've done that too.
What would you choose if there was no fear? To thine own self be true... always. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 22nd of August 2011 05:26:08 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am also hearing you give yourself credit for "not once complaining" about behavior that might be intolerable to most people in a relationship. It might be worth investigating why it is you think it is right and good to "not complain" about mistreatment. You do have every right to set boundaries. You are not being a b#(tch by saying "get a job or I am out of here." You are only powerless over WHAT HE DOES in response to your boundary. You do have the right (and responsibility) to protect yourself and your daughter from disrespect and wrongful treatment.
I hear that you have been worn down by this guy and he has you doubting your instincts. The picture you paint is of a real A-hole and yet you say he is a good guy and you love him so much. You have to realize there is a disconnect there. I understand how you can love a person and really hate their behavior...but you CAN let him own his own crappy, irresponsible, and thoughtless behavior. You can expect and demand better for yourself. I truly empathize with your situation but the power to change all this lies in you valuing yourself and setting some firm boundaries and then following through. It is so hard to do I know and I have been in your shoes. I fall back into them periodically and it's an ongoing struggle to figure out how I want to be treated and what are realistic expectations for me to have for others versus what I should "accept." It is true that I cannot change another person, their alcoholism, their refusal to work....I DO have to accept that another person does or may have those issues....But I CAN choose how I want them to be involved in MY life or if I want them in it at all. I get to dictate those terms because I owe it to myself and my higher power wants what is best for me..
Prayers to you K and I hope you work this out in a way where you have the most happiness and serenity.
I think it's interesting that you wrote about him being supportive in your choice of jobs and now is deciding that he is unhappy with your decision. It's a little late to have these kinds of thoughts if that's how he felt at the time he should have said something then, it's like trying to put spilled milk back in the carton. How do you feel about the job you have now? Do you want to quit or do you think it's going to make him happy (for you to quit)? Make him be sober? Make him be nicer? I really don't think he has a leg to stand on if you were to leave, yes the unknown is always scary. Not saying you should leave just putting things into perspective. I'm starting to have to look at things without having my AH be attached in the situation. Especially if it's something that involves him. How would I handle it if this was just my stuff? What is my part in this situation? I am only responsible for my part. So if I were looking at the fact of driving, if my AH weren't in the car with me while I drove would I go the same way I was going? If my answer is yes, then it really doesn't matter what he says or even does, I'm still going to drive that specific way. If he doesn't like it that's not my issue that's totally on him. That is something though for me gives me a clearer picture of what's going on in my own head without adding the other emotions to the mix. Emotions are not good or bad, I'm not defined by my emotions either. They are no longer ruling my decisions.
Yes, your AH is unemployed, and being supportive is a good thing. There is always to much of a good thing. I have recently discovered that I have managed to allow and enable my AH without realizing I was doing it. He has been so far buried in denial that asking him to do very simple basic things turns into this mass chore for him. A chore he will kick and scream about doing. He tries to make it my issue and all I can do is set healthy boundaries and do my best to stick to them. He is screaming (not out loud) by actions that he wants me to change back to my old behaviors. It was more comfortable for him. I did not challenge him, I no longer carry his part of our stuff. My world is a LOT less complicated, especially emotionally. I still have my moments I just try and live in the first 3 steps.
I can't. God can. I'll let him.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
while unemployed for almost 2 years my ex-AH would do less and less to help around the house until I was blasted for even asking him to take out the garbage and woe is me if i were to ask/remind more than once, that's called nagging and nevermind that he usually forgets it anyway leaving it to me if i want it taken out anytime soon. What is wrong with you assuming he has the time to pick up your daughter when, duh, he DOES have more time? The last fight between my H and I started with me suggesting he fold a load of towels, him being "too sick", gonna go drop a line in the river (while I worked, yeah), him promising to be home by a certain hour, not showing up, drinking all day with a buddy, then home late and yelling at me for trying to imprison him - this is a marriage not a prison! He still, 10 months and divorced later, does not understand why i got so mad when he was only 45 minutes late (his idea of time is sorta warped, no way is 6:30-8:20 only 45 minutes) - but, that wasn't the point to my anger that night; he may never ever get it and I"m not inclined to try to explain it to him. I hear my life in your posts Klotus.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
