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Hi everyone. I asked my AH to leave a few days ago. He needs a few weeks to transition and clean out his father's place so he can move in with him. I still love him, that is not the reason I asked him to leave. Obviously, I asked him to leave because I do not want him drunk around my kids and my 15yo daughter is being affected by this as well, etc. I am not happy with the way the relationship is going mostly because of the addiction whcih in turn is causing the other things that are lacking in our relationship.
Like I said, I do love him. He tries to hug me sometimes and sometimes I DO want to feel that closeness, but I do not want to send him mixed messages. I know him too well to know if I reciprocate the affection, he will think we are ok and not think he has to leave. He tried to put his arm around me all night...should he be sleeping on the couch?? haha I know you can't answer that but these are the things I am struggling with at the moment. He asked me if I feel like hugging him ever, and I said sometimes.
I don't want to be harsh or mean, because I understand he has a problem and I do love him, but I don't know where to draw the lline. For example, last night we were watching a movie at home and it was fine, but that does not mean I want to live like this for the rest of my life. I also know for me that once he moves out if he goes to AA or counseling or whatever and decides to change his life I will be willing to give him another chance, but I don't know how to tell him that either, since he will go and be a dry drunk for a few months and then want to come back home. I am very confused. But I am glad I am not an emotional wreck and seem to be handling this well otherwise.
BTW, my daughter participated in the Alateen chat last night. I am happy she did that.
Dear Odalis, I suspect that the overtures of affection are manuevers to bring you back to your previous "norm" in the relationship. I'm not suggestiong that he doesn't care about you, but I am guessing that he doesn't want the relationship to change because it would put the responsibility for his disease square on him.
This is just a question---have you considered having an honest discussion with him about your feelings on this matter during this awkward time of transition?
I also had about 3mo. of a similar "awkward time" with my first husband after I
I would suggest you take him out of the equation (I know this is going to sound so very weird because you are trying to figure out what to do about your marriage), remove the factor of your relationship totally from what you are saying. What I have found is if I do that and I look at my feelings, I'm a lot less confused. When I focus on "what should I do" aspect of things I focus back on my AH. If he does this than I'll do that kind of thoughts go through my mind. I kind of felt those when I read your post. That's setting the two of you up for the expectation that if he does this than you are going to do such and such.
Truth of the matter is it really doesn't matter if he drinks or not, the question really becomes more about what are you going to do? Are you going to focus on yourself and get healthy? Now would be the time especially if he's going to be out of the house to put the total focus on yourself. Things are going to workout one way or the other, I'm not saying I see you dumping the guy totally or you shouldn't have feelings for him or you should stay together. What I'm saying is the only way to really be clear about what you want is to sit back and use your enegery in constructive ways. What he does or doesn't do, how long he does it for, those are just destractions to what it is you need to be doing for yourself. Which is .. taking care of you, going to the face to face meetings, getting a sponsor, doing all of the things to put you in a better place soooo you can take a look at the whole picture and say ok .. this is what I want or this isn't what I want.
I have no idea if any of that makes sense .. please take what you like, it's just what I heard in your post.
Hugs and in support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Good morning Odalis, I can so truly relate to your post - my daughter is an angry 17 year old - angry at me the most, because it took me so long to finally get free of my AH (who is now my ex). She is angry also because I still communicate with him, went to his rescue even. (no, she won't consider Alateen, but she does go to counseling). Should he ever go to AA and get sober and decide to find himself, I suspect that man would be worth knowing. He thinks I want him in AA to stop drinking, and that's true, but - the bigger reason for my wanting him to go to AA is because I wish he would truly shut up and listen. He's so busy defending his right to be who he is (and it is his right to be an..... well, you know the word) that he won't hear what anyone else has to say and I'm not going to say anymore to him if he won't hear me.
He's a very affectionate man, loves to lay on the couch together watching tv (his choice of shows always but that doesn't really matter to me), I love the way it feels to be laying with him, he likes holding hands, loves dogs, cats, kids love him, he's very good when playing with kids, he's very torn apart when a pet dies, his heart in so many matters shows so clearly in him - but, the Dr. Jekyl side is intolerable and I can't have one without the other so I had to walk away. I will keep pushing AA on him, keep pantomiming locking my mouth shut when he talks about consequences of his drinking or things he knows we disagree on, keep being his friend because I think that is what he needs more from me - true friendship.
He says he "tried AA and it didn't work, bunch of religious freak meth heads and druggies" (guess it was a combined addictions group?) - I tried and will continue, to suggest he try other groups but that is all I can do. Once I made up my mind that that was all I could do and started doing it, it has become pretty easy to stick to my guns.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I don't think you need to mention to him that you might take him back if he went to AA and got sober. You know it and it's the truth. You also know that it won't cause him to make that decision (because we are powerless -- even though we always harbor hopes). In addition, early attempts at sobriety are full of relapses, even dramatic relapses. I suggest that if he did go to AA and get solidly into recovery, it would be wise to wait until he's been sober a year before getting back together. Then you would know he had some practice at it and that he wasn't as likely to have one of those tragic relapses (in which you would have to decide all over again whether to end the relationship). Beginning sobriety is a whirlwind, as many posts on here testify. Middle sobriety is more normal life. So I would suggest that the most prudent thing to do would be to say to yourself, "If it should happen that he goes into a recovery program and stays sober, after a year of solid sobriety I'd be willing to consider getting back together." And you can always keep that knowledge.
In my experience, telling an A they only have to do X (like "Start attending AA meetings") to make Y happen is a big incentive for them to appear to do X for a while until we're back in line. My exAH did X maybe a dozen times. For him AA was a revolving door. Each time got me back where he wanted me. Then he'd start to lapse. It was exhausting.
Thank you for sharing and I pray for your strength to know what is right for you. I am in a similar situation, however, my spouse is not an alcoholic - he suffers from other addictions/compulsions (not drug related either). These addictions/compulsions have caused all sorts of issues in our relationship and triggers the Adult Child in me. My mom is an alcoholic and so was her mom. Although his behaviors are not triggered by drugs or alcohol they are much the same.
We have been separated for a year. Over that year not much has changed except that I found Al-anon to help me gain my strength, understand that he has to deal with his own demons and I have to focus on what's best for me.
He wants a physically intimate relationship still but I know that just makes him think that things are ok. It is a very difficult situation when kids are involved and like you it's not about lack of Love. It's about doing what's best for you under the circumstances.
I am sending you love and support. I commend you for your attempts and commitment to setting and maintaining boundaries, and doing what is in everyone's best interest. I have a lot on my plate right now, and so I don't feel I have much more than that to offer! Just take care, and keep focusing on you and your children.
I'm praying for you.
K
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Thank you all for responding. Part of the problem, I know because we have been through this once before under similar circumstance, but that only lasted a few days. Part of the problem is I know he will ask what he needs to do in order for this relationship to work. I told him when I asked him to leave that this was not about him and it was about me and I needed to figure out what I needed and want from this relationship. And yes, that is true, but it's very blurry to me....isn't it also because of him, because I feel I cannot be with him and his disease at the moment. So I feel some kind of responsibility to let him know what his role is here. (even though I am positive he already knows what it is) Does it really matter? Maybe that is one of the issues I need to work on, my care-taker role is trying to get the best of me here. So confusing.
If he knows what you find hard about his role in the relationship -- and I'd bet a million dollars he knows the drinking is huge -- he could be in AA today.
My ex was always saying, "But what do you want me to do?" As if the problem was that I just wasn't issuing clear enough instructions. What he really meant was, "Issue some instructions so I can pretend to go along with them for a while and get back in your good graces while continuing to practice my addictions."
I know that they listen so little that any time they indicate that they're listening (generally when we're on our way out the door), it's so tempting to tell them what we need. Then, in my experience, they try to bargain. "Okay, if I go to one AA meeting a week..." Or, "Okay, I'll stop drinking. I don't need to go to AA to do it because I'm not an alcoholic. I'll just stop. If you thinking I've been drinking, just ask me and I'll reassure you I haven't." Then we get tempted to tell them why this is a ridiculous plan. Then we're embroiled in the insanity again...
He knows what he needs to do to give the relationship a halfway chance of surviving. If he's really motivated, he can start doing it.
I understand the confused state that you are in. I have found that when I get that way it's because I'm trying to figure everything out at once. I've found when I let all the thoughts and questions go, the answers appear in their own time. I've learned to just sit with the confusion, sort of accept it. (I've learned this through meditation - but that's a whole other topic). Everyone has their way or ways of learning to let go.
Your share reflects that you realize you can't control him, nor or you responsible for his drinking. Acceptance of these things is so huge. It took me far too long to come to this awareness/acceptance. In part, because I didn't want to give up the illusion of control. I wanted my life to be a certain way. And by gawd, I was going to achieve it!!!! My unwillingness to see the truth caused me, my ex and my now grown children a lot of unnecessary grief.
I get really excited when I read posts like yours, because it tells me that others are waking up a lot sooner than I did.
You truly don't need to figure it all out today. Nor do you have to make promises to your husband, either.
A key component to one's recovery (I think) is self-trust. I've found when I go with what I though my instincts told me to do, I was usually right. Sometimes, I learned later that it was just my ego talking. When this happens (ego gets in the way) I give myself a break and say that it was a lesson of discerning what is instinct (some say HP) and what is ego. Progress, not perfection.
By the way, that's great that your daughter partook in Alateen.
Take good care and keep coming back! We all benefit from your ESH.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thank you all for your words of wisdom! @Mattie- I was laughing while reading your post. It sounds like you have my AH's script. Thanks for reminding me of that!
