The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone. I've been reading all your post for a couple weeks now. Great stuff. I Just signed up. I've been to two meetings now. I've just been through the worst 2 yrs of my life. I'm miserable. Not sure if Al Anon is for me or not. I'm in a relationship to an addict. Also I strongly believe she is mentally ill. Many, many times talking about wanting to be dead or killing herself. I believe she is addicted to love also. From her past never not being in a relationship. Also she really latched on to me and moved in right away. I never asked her to, but for some reason I couldn't ask her to leave. That's my problem that I can't solve. Unlike alot of people on this forum and at meetings. I DON'T want this relationship to work out. It's seems I would give my left arm for it to be over. But as much as I want out of this for some stupid reason I can't do it. Its not the first relationship I let this happen. I was married to the wrong girl for so long just because I couldn't break her heart. So my problem is I've been basically in unhappy relationships my whole adult life. (37). Just because no matter what. I can't break someones heart for some reason. I've been nothing but clear in my actions how I feel about her and this situation we are in. But she refuses to leave. She keeps wanting to try and make it work. There is nothing to make work. Never was. She wants to be loved so bad she would never leave a relationship on her own. So here I am. She won't leave so matter what I say or do. And I can't step up and really be serious and tell her to leave. (I have asked her to leave before but she chooses to ignore it, I refuse to enforce it). She don't work and is in school. She missed alot of school because of her addiction. She's been sober about 2 weeks now. I pay for everything for her. Bought a car, gas, food, cloths, phone, her 2 kids every other weekend etc, etc. Almost lost my house to forclosure plus many other financial problems. Missing work cause of her horrible nasty panic attacks. 911 calls and so on. Why did this all happen to me? What the heck is wrong with me. All I have to do is say LEAVE! I CANT! Sorry for the long message. I could say alot more. Believe me! So, is Al Anon the right place for me? Thank You!
Oh yes indeed sounds like addiction to me. Addiction to chaos, addiction to insanity, addiction to adrenalin, addiction to an addict, addiction to addiction. I'm not judging you, believe me. If it takes one to recognize one then I plead guilty. I'm in recovery from all of the above addictions. You are in the right place to focus on you, not her, not anyone else. You. Keep coming. Once you start taking care of yourself, you'll have a clearer picture of how and with whom you want to live your life.
Oh, I sooo understand this. Before I got a program of my own, I was in a marriage I wanted to leave but I just felt too guilty at the thought of walking away. Who would take care of him, who would make sure the bills were paid and the laundry was done, who would keep him from harming himself when he got drunk and very depressed, and on and on and on.
I didn't have a program when I left. Actually, "when I left" is technically incorrect. I went the "become the biggest pain in the butt so he'll leave me and I won't have to be the bad guy" route. I don't suggest that. After he was out of the house, I still felt overwhelming (and debilitating) guilt, anxiety, and panic. I simply could not truly understand that I was not responsible for the outcome of his life - if he was happy, sad, depressed, suicidal, or whatever else, those were HIS feelings. I did not cause them, could not change them, and sure the heck couldn't control them. He was an adult when I met him, and he was responsible for himself then. Somehow he'd managed to get along before me. He was very capable of doing the same if I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. While I intellectually knew this, I had a hard time truly believing it deep down.
I went to one Alanon meeting after my exAH and I separated. I went looking for someone to tell me what to do. Nobody told me what to do, and I was PISSED. I felt like they were hiding the ball from me, and that Alanon was not the place for me. The truth was, I simply wasn't ready to hear that I needed help regardless of whether I was in that relationship or not.
I hope you'll keep coming back here. This board has enriched my life beyond words. Hearing the stories of newbies and watching them progress in their own recovery inspires me to keep working at my own. The program works if we work it.
Please keep coming back, I swore up and down that alanon wasn't for me .. lol .. to the point I was ready to make an appointment with the shrink my AH and I were seeing, so I could tell her how it wasn't for me. After going to an alanon meeting (for the 3rd try in 10 years) something in me clicked. I never did make that appointment to explain what a quack I thought she was .. lol. I'm sure that was a good thing .. lol.
I started reading Co Dependent No More and for me that book just clicked something in my head that yes, I was exactly where I belonged. I knew that to when I dropped my A's baggage train during that first meeting. I crawled in and was able to walk out without feeling the weight that I had carried so long.
I will say something, staying in a relationship because of not wanting to be the bad guy has it's own issues. Take the time to figure out why this is repeating itself, because alanon is about you it really clears a path to stop doing the things that hurt us and those we love and care about. If it's happened more than once then it's not a fluke and it will happen again. At this moment give me a room of 100 men I will find the addicts even if there are only 2. I already have 1 and trust me 1 is enough and all I can handle.
I just know no matter what, whatever relationships I have in my personal life (family, friends) I am done allowing my past as well as fears dictate my future, how I feel about myself and my perceptions of life situations that are happening around me. I want to have healthy relationships with those I love. I guess I'm just tired of existing and I want to actually live life to its fullest no matter what. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much and I still have the hurt. I don't know if that makes sense however that's what it is to me.
Again please keep coming back it sounds so trite to say, it is meant with warmth and caring because it really works if you choose to work the program. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
First, let me welcome you to MIP! I wish that I could say you didn't need Al-Anon; however, based on what you've shared, you in the right place.
Your share reflects the following:
1) you are suffering because of her actions
2) you are allowing yourself to be used
3) you are doing for her what she can do for herself
In Al-Anon, we learn to not do these things because it's unhealthy for us as well as our addicts.
I hope you can find a meeting soon. Go and sit, listen, and share if you want to.
Your share reminds me of one young man that comes to my home group. He realizes that he doesn't "get" what many of us share. But he says he has an open mind and he wants what many of the members have (a degree of serenity due to loving detachment). So he keeps coming back to meetings. He's struggling, obviously. But he keeps striving.
I understand his confusion. I was once there, too. But I kept coming back to meetings and slowly I got enough of it to have peace of mind most of the time. I'm still going back 'cuz I have a lot yet to learn.
You'd be so amazed if you give Al-Anon a chance.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Yes. We welcome you to the MIP forum. You are in the right place. Also, take some time to read older postings and click, if you may, on the links above for additional resources. Alanon has many books for daily reading. Face to face meetings are very helpful. Keep coming back. Please, don't leave before then miracle happens. Keep the focus on YOU!
In reading your post I recognized much of myself. I'm married for 11 yrs and I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. My spouse is not alcoholic but suffers from other addictions/compulsions to fill the void from the tragic loss of a father at young age. our relationship has triggered the Adult Child in me to act like I did when I was a kid. I too have a difficult if not impossible time of ending my marriage for guilt. I've been to 4 alanon meetings and now am on this board. I am just starting to get a sense of what this program can do for me and my life.
I do gotta say. It sure helps listening to people that have alot of the same problems. I plan on coming back for sure. I have been to 2 f2f meetings the past couple weeks. I liked them so far. I'm also thinking about maybe trying some therapy. I don't know? Totally get the comment on how White Rabbit pushed away the other person in the marriage. I did the same exact thing. It took a long time, but that's what I did. That's what I've been trying to do again the past couple years. She's not having it. Am I addicted to all this? It sounds like I might be but I don't know. I hate every second of it. I love it when she's gone. It's great. Peace and quiet. After meeting her my health went to hell. High blood pressure pills. No energy. etc. If she came home, packed her stuff, left and never came back I would be the happiest person on earth. Really! So I don't know if I'm addicted. I guess I don't think I am but maybe that's how addiction works. I also think that if I ever find my way out of this horrible situation. I will never, ever, ever, ever again repeat this. NO WAY! The only problem is I'm only 99% sure of that. Deep down I know there's a small chance of repeating. But after what the last two miserable years have done to me. I'm very confident I would NOT let this happen again. This has been 1000 times worst than my failed marriage. And I'm looking to find my way out of this. Somehow. Someway. Thanks for listening everyone.
Hi! You are in the place, and pray to HP (God for me) and ask Him to help you to learn whatever it is you are supposed to learn, otherwise the same thing will happen again and again until you learn it and get it right, at least that is what I'm learning. Keep coming back, think about giving the program a try. With love ....Ruby!
People do a lot of things to "atone" for what they think are their own faults and wrongdoings. She chooses drugs to punish herself and you choose her. Yes you are in the right place. No you are not alone. Just another person that maybe cares a little too much for others and not enough for self (something common I think among alanoners).
You are most welcome onewholovesrock :) I like your name! I have found Alanon to be INCREDIBLY helpful in my life. I feel there have been so many big, wonderful changes just in the first few months and I can tell that this is hard work, but just going to keep getting better. I'm willing to bet that things will get better for you too!
