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Had a great weekend. I asked him this morning what he planned on doing.. he didn't know. I had things I wnated to do. So I did them. I said to him this morning "If you are planning on havinga smoke, I just want to say, and I am not being nasty, this would be the 8th weekend in a row that you would have had one and I am just saying it seems to now be a new and increased theme in our lives and I am not overly happy with that"
I left it at that and went on about my business. He didn't say anything and I didn't expect him to. He said he mayhave a smoke.
It actually got to 5pm Sunday and I was starting to think.. wow.. how excellent, I have had a weekend that he hasn't got stoned. Then the words came... I might go have a smoke of the passionflower (stuff froma herbal shop). I just said, Oh yeah... he didn't go right away. We did a few things and I thought he may have changed his mind. i was all good with it, I knew it was going to come.
He went off to have it. I went up to ask him a question. He was indeed smoking the passionflower like he said he would.. wow.. honesty. I said to him, "I knew you were going to have a smoke today" His reply, its only the passionflower it doesn't do much. I said, "Its still having a smoke, you are still putting it into your body" Anyway, I thought I saw a bit of disappointment in his eyes. I walked away and let him get on wtih it. I went back up and he was cleaning his pipe. I asked if everything was ok and he said yeah its all good.
I left and went to the lounge roomand got on the net. He took ages to come down and when he did he looked smashed and sounded smashed. He sat next to me and I could just tell he had had the real stuff after I left. I let it go.... I let it go.... I let it go.. I took it back....
I turned to him and said, you smoked the other stuff didn't you... I could just feel the disappointment rise in me. I was soooooo sad he had done that. He looked at me sheepishly and said yes he did. I just wanted to yell and scream and cry and smack him and run and yet I knew there was no point.. What an over reaction. I asked why (I don't know why I asked, it was just hurting in side me). He said, I guess I just wanted to get stoned.
I sat next to him for a bit longer. But I couldn't. I couldn't be close to him. I stood up and said, I am not p'd off wit you, I am very disappointed. He looked angry.
I went to bed. He cooked me dinner and then came and woke me up for it.
I really got under teh blankets and cried.
I can't talk to him. I can't look at him. I know it is not my husband that did that. It ws the addiction that did that but 'xxxx'... it hurts.
I don't know WHY it hurts. He is a nice man stoned and straight.....
I don't know why I bother to try to work on myself
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 21st of August 2011 05:30:57 PM
I would say that we all work on ourselves so that when our addicts continue their addiction (because that's what addicts do), we can detach from it and go on to make our days happy.
It sounds as if you've fallen into that pit that we all have fallen into so many times: wondering if he's doing it, when he's going to do it, why does have to do it, has he done it yet, is he doing it now... They're addicted to their substance and we're addicted to obsessing about them. That's why they call it "co-dependent." As the saying goes, He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?
At one point I was so enmeshed and involved with the addiction that if he'd cleaned up instantly and gone out to go about his day, I wouldn't have known what to do with myself. I had abandoned everything that made me happy. I was reduced to only thinking about him. I was miserable!
Please take good care of yourself! None of this is easy!
I know what you are going through and it is not easy. When I would get back into this scenario with my husband I would have to really pump up my Al-Anon tools. STEP 1: We are powerless! I would have to take my binoculars OFF the alcoholic and put them back on me and shut off all my expectations for him. It is easier said that done, but really there is no other thing that helped me. Oh, and I was a struggling manipulator--using guilt to try to control him. It never worked and in the end, I ended up frustrated and angry and he ended up drunk.
It was those moments like you described when I began to realize how sick my husband really was. They KNOW we do not want them to do these things to their bodies and they cannot stop themselves--even when we are just in other room and just told them we don't want them to do it (whether we used words, body language, or whatever! We communicated that idea CLEARLY) They are sick. It cannot be fun to be drunk/stoned in the presence of someone who loathes the very condition that you are in, right? But they are powerless over that drug/drink and THEY need to see that. Having a little compassion helped me to detach without anger (because I was REALLY good at detaching with anger)
I cannot count the times I have had to go back to step 1 and remind myself I am powerless, but it is also freeing to know I am not responsible for fixing my AH, just myself. And that I can make progress on *myself* and *feel* that it is working. Why do we keep working on ourselves--for me, it is because I need a lot of work, and nobody else can do it but me.
Live and Let Live always helps me when I am focusing too much on him and expecting healthy behavior from an unhealthy person.
Best wishes for some peace--I know it is hard but the Al-Anon tools can really help.
Linda, The sadness can be overwhelming!!! My sadness would alternate with anger. Back and forth. AlAnon helped me focus on me. I am in charge of me. I am in charge of how sad or how angry I am. It is MY life. I am in charge of my life.
But I am not in charge of HIS life. It is what it is.
Live and let live. The "live" is for you. The "let live" is also for you. Detach from his problem. Now what are you going to do to make yourself happy? Make the sadness and anger get smaller?
thank I can't sleep. I am focussing on me and realising that my feelings have been hurt. I am not angry at him like I used to be. I am realising I am not angry... I am sad and hurt Hurt that he thinks I am so much of an idiot that I wouldn't see it. I asked him hours later if he would have told me about the 'other' smoke if I hadn't noticed it and he said no. He used the old excuse becaseu i was scared you woudl crack the xxxx... that is Bull dust now as I have not done that in over a month and his smoking has increased measurably. The less angry I get the more he is smoking it seems. I told him I was not angry, that I do have other emotions also. He did not reply to any of it.
Honestly, if it wasn't so painful and hard to leave him, I woulda packed my bags tonight. I hate this. I love my husband but I would like to beat the little dopesmoking person to a pulp with a baseball bat. I am starting to recognise my feelings for the dopesmoking person are very similar tothe deep seated resentment Ihave for my dad.
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 21st of August 2011 04:21:42 PM
Hurt that he thinks I am so much of an idiot that I wouldn't see it.
Linda,
An alcoholic/addict is controled by his/her disease. It has nothing to do with you and what he thinks of you.
I used to take it very personally too; so did our sons. However, I now realize it wasn't about me.
I, like you, thought I was focusing on me; however, I now see that I was still in the "pit" as Mattie calls it, whenever I gave it a thought as to how much he was drinking.
Climb out of the pit, Linda. Every time you think about "his" problem, catch yourself and climb out. How you climb out is your job to figure out.
His bottom might not occur for a long while. In the meantime, what are you going to do? (Boy, I hated that question when it was presented to me, but now I get it.)
Once my then counselor told me that I was focusing so much on my alcoholic to avoid focusing on my life and what I wanted. Initially, I was stunned over his comment. But he was so correct. Are you avoiding your life? Don't make the mistake I made for years and that was to wait for him to straighten out before I had a good life.
It's all a process. Keep striving and you'll move forward in your own time.
Take good care, Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
((((Linda))))...the responses you already have received are gold...right on from my own recovery experiences. I just glommed on to one statement..."I don't know why I bother to try to work on myself"...you bother because it is important for you. Your recovery and indeed all of ours isn't done for the alcoholic or alcoholic/addict. We do it for us so that we can be of use to ourselves and then to others who want what we have.
As a nurse you're getting a first hand, live in, example of addiction; the compulsion and obsession in spite of the disasterous consequences. They're not bad... They're sick. And we become that way ourselves until we work on ourselves.
You could be wrong about it being the end. That perception is only from the inside of your head and driven by your fears which are not real. You said "I'm really scared" and that is the voice of the fear however you can introduce steps 2 and 3 into the situation right now...The "God can" steps ...2. Came to believe a Power Greater than ourselves could lead us to Sanity. and 3. Made a decision to turn our wills and and our lives over to the care of God ...as we understood him/her/God (of our own understanding). Turn it over and you get one set of circumstances and with practice the fear dwildles also. Don't turn it over you continue to get what you're getting now...anxiety, confusion, anger, frustration and more and fear to coat it all. When you add the HP/God factor the situation and the results come out different...more sane. Give it a shot? Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I felt ok about it all, and was working what I have learned... right up until he sat down next to me and I could see how smashed he was. He must have thought to himself... hmmm.. I am not smashed on that stuff.. Iwill have more. So.... as I see it, I did everything right, I turned it over for a while and he had a smoke of the stuff that gets him less stoned. I accepted it, I even talked and had a laugh with him and gave him a kiss, I asked when he is finished would he like to pick a movie with me to order....
and this is what I get in return..... doesn't matter what I do ... I am hurt
Honest (and hopefully gentle) feedback here... your focus is completely on him - what he is doing, how often he is doing it, and even why is he doing it - and that focus is killing you.
He smokes because he is an addict. Period.
The more you can turn that focus and energy OFF of him (which as you have seen, does little good, and causes you great frustration), and ONTO you (who is the only person you can truly control) - you WILL feel better.....
I know that feeling of overwhelmed and defeated all too well - been there, done that..... It didn't work for me (and countless others). Listen to the oldtimers who have achieved some sense of serenity in their respective programs - there really IS a solution.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I honestly can't see it right now All I can see is I am married to an addict. How the hell did this happen... again... i'm just a glutton for punishment obviously. A strong healthy motivated and aware person woudl not put up with this feeling. Would not allow another human being to do this to them.
so again it is rammed down my throat that I am sick, I am yet again living with a form of self abuse. It was all going so well prior to our wedding.
I hear you You are certainly sad and upset This disease is devastating. You feel like a victim to alcoholism and cannot see how to help yourself unless he stops,
Alanon believes and showed me that I could be happy whether the alcoholic was drinking or not.I had to take the tools offered and use them continually every day, One moment at a time until I began to think, know and feel the power of the ideas.
It is not necessary to label where you are as a "pity party " it is a black hole and as has been suggested, the only way to get out of that spot is by Taking care of you and Taking the focus off him. This must happen 24/7 each day. You are responsible for your thoughts, and actions .
You have no power over him and no amount of talking or pleading or arguing will cause a permanent change in behavior The behavior that must change permanently is ours.
Al anon tools are the answer.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 21st of August 2011 06:50:37 PM
I don't see it as a pity pot. I see it as confusion. And it is all confusing. It is backward from all logic.
I asked myself how "I did I do this to myself". And I didn't. I didn't go out and try to marry an alcoholic. I wasn't looking for a party guy. In the same way he didn't wake up and say "I want to be an alcoholic" I didn't wake up and say "I want to marry an alcoholic."
There are 3 A's in AlAnon. They are AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE and ACTION. You are at awareness. Now you have to accept what is. It is easier to accept it from a platform of security which is what AlAnon gives you. You have the security and power of the group behind you. You have the program that helps you. Once you can internalize that it is what it is.....( not your fault. You didn't ask for this).... then you can decide what your action will be.
If you could get yourself to a F2F meeting, it would help so much. I have been where you are--probably everyone here has. You are not alone, and you can feel better. It takes some work even though the ideas are simple. You didn't Cause this, can't Control it, and can't Cure it--that is the truth.
It is HIS problem and you need to be gentle on yourself with all this blame. Loving an addict is not easy, but not impossible either. The situation is what it is, it is how you deal with it now that matters and you have the tools. Help is here. You already are aware....and you can do it! Is there anyone you can reach out to in person there to help you through right now?
I am sitting here in my office at work. I am trying to get on with my day. ONe question keeps coming up in my mind.... WHY? when that question pops into my head I start to cry. Why/How did he/we get to this point? Why am I like this?
A feeling like grief sets in... I feel like my dog just died and I am crying out WHY?????? What a senseless loss. What a hurtful loss. I feel like a little bit of me just died and I know it will heal, I know I will go on and things will be different, but I liked how they were before.
I know this question is pointless and this feeling is pointless... my answers are the same as if my dog had just died... this is what happens in life, this is what happens with an addict. This is life. WE go through hard times and they get better... Iknow this too shall pass. HIs smoking will progressively get worse as it has been for the past few months. Iknow it is up to me to do something about it for myself.
Ihave been fighting for 11 months. Fighting the belief that he again is an addict that has completely relapsed and Ican do nothing about that. IT is what it is.
I also keep thinking.. if Mum didn't marry an alcoholic.. this may not be happening to me.
Its an old tape and I know I have to change or I will keep on feeling like this. I just want to curl up and rock myself to sleep quite frankly.
I have contacted a friend and I am going to meet an Al Anon person at lunch time (its 10am here). Please HP, give me back my wonderful man I had before and take away the addict for both our sakes.
I really have nothing super useful to add here, but am sending hugs and support! Like you my RA is very kind but the behavior patterns are...arrrrrrrrr....like you I want to jump off the whirlygig! More hugs as I understand the brain calisthentics you must be going through.
The 'focusing on oneself,' and 'taking care of oneself makes a lot of sense. Where I get totally stymied is when yes, I am taking care of myself - alone - but the relationship dynamics/physical mess in house made by RA/whatnot are affecting me anyway. That's a fuzzy boundary for me and that's when I ask the same question that you put in your post title. One day at a time and all that...though to me it is still like a jedi mind trick and I"m sure some more advanced alanoners have figured that one out?
On a very serious note. ;) ..currently I have 'focused on myself' by splurging on a fabulous pair of shoes! I'm not a big shoe person, and usually wait 48 hrs before purchasing. But this weekend I said to heck with it! Okay, maybe that's not a spiritual solution, but gosh my feet look fabulous now. A friend going through a brutal divorce dragged me into this shoe shop and we bounced around it giggling like schoolgirls. It was so cliche - bereft women in a shoe store! Okay I know that's silly, but my point is.... whatever works!
