The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still hangin' in as I try to make some sense of my life. I am getting better at getting over my past but have moments; many of them where I am not sure!
I keep the focus on me as much as possible. Yesterday I realized that I really have no one to answer to except myself & that the responsibility resides in me & only me! People are talking about sending their kids to school lately & all I can do is feel left out. My nephew is going to college after being home-schooled so far. I am very proud of him but even having him going to college has not eased my envy of others who have kids--I am a childless woman who never totally understood why I wasn't blessed w/ a child. Even today, I hurt over what I could've had! I guess sometimes I just have a pity party & don't want to accept what has happened to me & WHY?
Yeah, I am blessed w/ a great husband & a pretty good family but...there are moments not as many as before that I wish I had more--then I have to pray for acceptance. I don't always like to accept most things that are out of my control but I have to. I could sit in this chair & pout or I could get up & do something positive. I want more than I have but have all that I need! I should be & am grateful.
One more thing: My friends are at the ages where they are having grandchildren. I am envious of that too. I want to be happy for them but what do I do? I just have to be happy & let it go.
Thanks for your patience w/ me. Sometimes I feel empty & sad--like I have suffered a loss--can't I see how much I have to gain?
You know Kathleen there is nothing wrong with being an honorary grandparent. My kids should have a ton of people in their lives and don't, it's because of the do-do adults (I include myself in that sweeping statement .. lol) own baggage. It blows me away at how other people adopt them into their hearts. So please don't feel like you are limited in the role you can play in a young persons life. Someone would be blessed to have you in their lives!! It is an emotional risk, I know my kids have benefited from the love they have received from extended family of the heart. I think it has something to do with the fact I'm adopted, however I have never looked at family as blood and even my adopted parents. Ehe .. so it wasn't a childhood dream it doesn't mean there are not many other people in my life who fill just one role for me. It's kind of along the lines of it takes a village mentality for me. So don't sell yourself short I bet if you looked around there would be people who would be honored to have you as an additional family member of the heart. :) Hugs :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
