Detaching when things are good... - Al-Anon Family Group

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Detaching when things are good...

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah...waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are going well...I used to be anxious waiting for the bad to come back around.

I have learned a couple of things about that in regards to myself.

The first is that I was forever basing how my day was going to be on how the day of the people around me was going. If the wife was happy, I was "happy". If she was angry, sad, anxious...you name it, that is what I was too. It took awareness that I could decide for myself how I wanted to be to change that. And it took being able to detach from the condition of those around me to put that change into action.

The other thing I learned, was that on those good days, I had to detach from my own need to focus on "when is this good going to end and the bad return" and learn to enjoy the good times. Just for today. Just for this moment things are good. It is the present moment that I am in and if it is enjoyable, it is okay to enjoy it!

And the only way I have been able to accomplish that is by detaching from my own fears, resentments, etc.

Takes practice. Takes working the twelve steps.

Thanks for sharing,

David

rrib · Senior Member

Hi Usetobe,

When you wrote 'Part of me wonders if I'm almost "addicted" to the adrenaline of that moment' you came pretty close to the truth about recovery from the al-anon side of the fence.

In my case I AM addicted to the drama and to the idea that I can 'fix' what's wrong with my partner.

So, just like an alcoholic cannot afford to take that 1st drink without the risk of rekindling their active alcoholism, as an al-anon I need to remember to set boundaries and remember that it is OK to take care of myself so I don't rekindle my addictive care-taking, people-pleasing. co-dependant behavior.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Wise words from David & rrib, and so very true.

Detaching and not allowing the disease, not my wife, but the disease to make my life unmanageable took lots of practice and continues to take practice. When it does happen and I have a slip, I have no one to blame but myself and my detachment skills. Not my wife. Not the disease. So I can't put detachment is a lock box, I have to always have it as a tool ready available to protect "me from me".

Why is detachment so important and necessary?.........Because living with an alcoholic is much like what Forrest Gump said about a box of chocolates......"You never know what your going to get."

Your doing good. Awareness is 90% of the solution.

RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 20th of August 2011 12:26:23 PM

sookie · Senior Member

WOW--your post describes the roller coaster I have been on for years, too. Better then not better, then better again, then bad again, oh wait seems better--oops, not...and it is rough on us because we never know what we are coming home to. I had a really hard time with this.

For me, it came down to accepting that I cannot have expectations. That was a huge part of detachment for me and it is hard because it seems like "hope" and "expectations" go together...and we need hope if we are going to continue to love this person. But, hope can be thought of as just a belief that things will be better and it depends a lot on faith in a HP for me. To understand that no matter what, things will be better no matter what I walk into or how the AH comes home, because *I* am growing and changing my behaviors. I am not perfect with it, but things REALLY changed in my home after this--I was much calmer and I felt better, and he still relapsed but I handled it so differently. And that makes it easier to me ready for the next time, because I have seen that it WORKS.

Sounds like you are tapping in to your feelings and doing great! Thanks for sharing.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

.........Because living with an alcoholic is much like what Forrest Gump said about a box of chocolates......"You never know what your going to get."

Thank you for that, RLC.

And Sookie, yes, I too live with no expectations from my sober in AA for 11 yrs. hubby. It is what it is. Detach and don't depend on an alcoholic for what you want. You have to accept what they are today. And today is all we have. It may get better.... it may not. But today is what counts.

In my case, I thought that sobriety would bring huge changes in our relationship. Nope. He stopped drinking and all the drama about passing out every night watching TV and embarassment when we were together and verbal abuse and the walking zombie. That stopped. But there is still no emotional intimacy. I know he doesn't have my back. He is not my best friend. I don't rely on him. I have new support groups. My relationship with him is with property ownership and kids and grandkids and we travel together. As far as sex....that is physical, not emotional.

I remember the crying that I did when he first got sober.... and again over the years after he got sober. I kept holding out, wondering when he would again be the person that I married. Wondering when he would open up and share his "heart" with me. After a few years of crying and hoping, I gave up with a lot of conversation with the other support groups (in AlAnon) that I had. Then I learned what real detachment is. I can be happy even though he is what he is. I don't wait anymore for the other shoe to drop. If it does, I know that I will be okay. My HP and I will figure it out together and my HP gave me the help of AlAnon and all my support groups.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm coming in a lil' late but, I really like how you ARE looking at yourself by wondering, "Part of me wonders if I'm almost "addicted" to the adrenaline of that moment..."

It reminds me of what my sponsor always asks, "What are you getting out of that behavior, you have to be getting something out of it."

My problem is me and my ego.... my "thinking" problem....

For me, when I focus on my alcoholic, it provides me with an excuse NOT to look at myself... my solution is still that he should change. Working on myself is hard, I don't always like what I see and I certainly don't want to be "wrong," my ego prefers to point fingers and say, "you're doing it wrong" because then I can feel superior... THAT'S what I get out of it, an ego trip!

My brain also just has a habit of stirring things up to create problems.... drama.... that is what I am familiar with, having been raised in an alcoholic home. As you say, even when all is well... my brain will LOOK for something to pick at.

So, I have an ego problem. The 12 steps help to smash it. Sometimes I don't want to smash it. Sometimes I wanna be "right" ("Do I wanna be right or do I wanna be happy?")

hahaha!

Your post also reminded me of Shakespeare's quote, "nothing is either good or bad, but THINKING makes it so." My brain has a habit of labeling everything. It doesn't serve me well though.

I'm kinda all over the place here, thanks to some "bold" coffee this morning. Just wanna say, I think your awareness is great. We're never going to be perfect, but think of how far you've come. God didn't bring us this far to drop us on our head, my friend.

Thanks for bringing your recovery here, I got a lot out of it today.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What I got from detaching was, loving my AH, and believing he has a terrible disease with the symptoms we know.

So what is the nature of an A. They drink, the use other drugs, they lie, they are selfish.sometimes they go to rehab, go to AA are on program for awhile, then maybe they relapse. then we come home for awhile and it is very nice, then we come home and they are all crabby and ya don't want to be around them.

Its a package deal. No surprise if they act like an A. they are one.

When I accepted it all, I was so much happier. Thought of me, felt free as his disease was his own, I had no say or feeling about it. I just loved him.

I have no bitterness or anger or feel bad becuz I loved him,married him, miss him. He was the love of my life and I was blessed to have him as long as I did.

hugs,debilyn

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

This share and the replies all make sense to me. I think I'm so detached I don't know if I will ever come back. And I feel such a difference when I see my son, grand-dtr, other people-I'm myself and open. Then with my spouse, it's like a force-field comes down around me for protection. Lately she is even mad at me because she feels she is trying and I am still detached. Survival is hard. I want no expectations about her. It's hard to feel the love. She's so sick and has been for so long and the changes I want are probably impossible. I am taking care of myself. And my force-field is up, Lyne

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