The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to remember to just breath today.......cause things have been great. My life has been great. Things with my new wonderful boyfriend are beyond my wildest dreams of what a man could be. Me....I'm stronger, Better, but I'm still a work in progress. I started to see a counselor about the specific "triggers" that my exA put in my head that causes specific bouts with anxiety. She wants me to talk about more of the A and what hurt he caused - specific icidents. I blew it off and said I blocked most of it out. Which is partly true. But partly me being scared that if I dredge all that up again the hurt will come right back...and he will be sitting right in front of me and I'll suffer all over again. I have been diagonesed with post tramadic stress sysdrom. I said isn't that for the Army people and for things like rape and things??? NOPE. Wow. She said I was involved in years of trauma, many years of mental abuse and fear, that led to severe depression, panic attacks, and overall anxiety. She said, isn't that enough? I said yes, I guess it is. Funny how people see mental abuse. They may think of yelling at the top lungs, always fighting, real loud and violent....not so. My A was smart, very.....very sweet he could be....but then also very manipulative, very cunning, smooth, everybody liked him, and yes very mean when he wanted. It always amazed me so, how good at it he was. So subtle, but they get ya - just at the right time..or say or do "hooks" of all kinds. Until you know how to avoid those, or ignore, or stick up for yourself...they'll hurt you if you let them. I did the best with what I knew, at the time. Now I know better. Anyways, counseling has helped. I am able to see more of what "real" is and what is based on fear. It's such a wonderful feeling for me when I know i've overcome something that was put there by someone else!!!! Such a free-ing feeling!!!! But still a scary work in progress to face.
mslouise, so glad to hear you are making forward progress and things are going so well. I think I can relate to your PST. I have been through the depression and am now experiencing the anxiety. Amazing how it progresses. It's good to see someone who has come out on the other side and is getting the needed help. I've been in counseling too. It helps.
Dear mslouise. Without a doubt, you are giving yourself the best gift you could ever give. This is a way of treating yourself with kindness and respect for who you really are---obviously what others did NOT do for you. But, now, you matter more than those others.
You are so right when you say that psychological abuse/trauma can hurt as much as overt physical acts. It leaves "scars" in the form of self destructive feelings that can affect us for the rest of our lives.
The couragous act of examining and coming to understand the monsters from our past and the way they effect us in the present is the first step to leaving the trauma in the past where it belongs.
It is always scary when you are approaching "pay dirt" in therapy---cause there is where so much of our fear lies. But the benefit of facing it with a skilled therapist far outweighs the pain of carring the burden on our backs every day of our lives.
mslouise, you are a perceptive and intelligent woman. You have internal strength that you probably have no awareness of. I have often noticed the very thoughtful and honest responsed of your posts to others on the board.
Just keep on keeping on, Girl!
In support, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Friday 19th of August 2011 11:27:32 AM
Thank you - you'all made me teary eyed with your kind words ...as always such good talks and experiences on here, and so nice to see when people share some of their same feelings/experiences with me - so many lovely people on here, thank you........I'm still very scared of the "pay-dirt" part....terrified really....but I love thinking of what might be on "the other side" (thx Canadianguy for that one, Ill use that).....so keep thinking of the other side....and breath of course...lol
PTSD, I know it well. But you know what? this program is actually helping me with it :) I am learning to work the first step and looking at the second and by doing so I am also able to process some stuff that happened to me when I was little that caused the PTSD. Keep coming :) Hope you also have a sponsor to help you through the steps :) Take care of you! HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
