The D Word - Al-Anon Family Group

kay115 · Veteran Member

The D Word

lasthope · Veteran Member

My f2f doesn't cross talk. We listen politely to each person who wishes to share. Some stay after the meeting adjourns and talk amongst themselves and support each other.

Also I think a sponsor serves the purpose of actively guiding you.

I needed more than Alanon. I needed therapy and Alanon. Therapy started the emotional healing process. Alanon keeps me on the path but it's not easy. Life isn't normal but it's more normal than it was before I began my own recovery. I no longer monitor, ask, resent, threaten, demand, bully, name-call and destroy my own sanity. I sleep now. I don't have rage hangovers. Although my AH still uses as much or more than ever we are kind to each other. I assume he's always impaired whether he is or isn't. I expect less. I changed. Now that I'm not poised to search and destroy him, his lies, or his use, he's not on the defensive and bracing to counter attack.

I let his lies roll off and don't take them personally. "I am powerless over my AH's lies" for me was my most rewarding Step 1 because that drove me absolutely mad more than anything else. It was giving up the dream of having a relationship founded on trust. Honesty is the first casualty of addiction so you can't trust an addict. Once I accepted that my marriage could not be trust based, my healing accelerated. I'm still sad but sadness trumps lunacy.

Divorce can move you away from the current AH but without recovery it's likely that you'll repeat the pattern. Meanwhile your addiction to your AH and his craziness is gaining power. The sooner you focus on you and not on him, the sooner you'll gain clarity. Even if he never drank again starting tonight at midnight, you'd still need your own recovery.

Sending love,

LH

Hoping for Happiness · Member

I have discussed that same thing tonight with my AH. We have separated a few times and I recently came home from being at my parents for the summer. I found meetings in their town that were discussions. I did find that very helpful, just keep trying different meetings and you'll find one that fits you.

I do agree with the therapy as well. I heard someone at an AA meeting put it this way: My doctor helps me stay healthy, my AA meetings help me stay sober, and my therapist helps my brain/emotions healthy. It does also help to talk to people after the meetings too. That was a hard thing for me to do. I went to meetings for about 6 months before I had a conversation with someone.

Personally I have tried to let the lies roll off my back and not expect anything out of my AH. I assume he is intoxicated all of the time (which is pretty much is). Yes, all of our stories have similarities, but there are differences too. When I spoke with my therapist about divorce, she pointed out that if that is what I want then I will know. When I told him tonight that I don't think I want to be married to him any longer, I felt a huge relief, a weight lifted from me. I didn't fight with him or threaten him, just stated what I feel and left it at that. If you are telling your AH you want a divorce to threaten him, it doesn't work.

I have a very close friend who left her AH almost a year ago. Life isn't a whole lot easier for her. If you have children, you will have to learn to co-parent with an alcoholic and that brings it's own set of frustrations and problems. I don't think the grass is greener on either side of the fence.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kay...Detachment is also a D word...a different kinda divorce. In detachment I let my HP have as much time as HP needs to direct and guide and manipulate those things I don't have the skill or awareness or experience to work on for myself. When I'm setting time limits for anyone other than myself I'm still in control and if those time limits exceed the 24 hours I'm living in right now I'm playing the fortune teller. Another "D" word for me became with practice the "D"etermination to let go and let God as a constant habit. I got to Al-Anon because I was the problem while my alcoholic/addict drank and used herself. Divorce became an amends for me because my part in the disease of mine was marrying the women I drank with. So I changed that and am constantly working on it. Ask your HP what it's like for your HP to love you...what does it take. That was guided change work for me. It was perception work...looking back at myself and judging only that picture. Man was I a work in progress!!

I haven't been to alot of discussion meeting because I like the listening. We will discuss after the meeting or before it.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

mslouise · Senior Member

Divorce - this topic always strikes a nerve with me for many reasons. I don't know your situation exactly so this is just my humble opinion. I was raised in a home with a A for all my life....my mom had the choice to leave...she didn't...her kids, me have issues that I wouldn't wish on anyone and has made life diffucult in its own way - and my dad wasn't even a mean drunk, but he cetainly wasn't "there" either. Don't know if you have kids, but even apart I know the dealings would still be there with the A, but a stable environment can also be provided for the majority of the time.

I know people that have stayed with their A, but it seems to me they have seperate lives...one goes one way, while the other goes the opposite (guess this is part of detaching)..sometimes they come together, sometimes they get along, they are cordial......each to their own. This would not work for me...In a marriage I want a partner, isn't that the point???

I don't think it is selfish to want a partner, someone to trust, who treats you with respect, someone you can count on ....Love is the easy part. We can love our A's more than anything, as I did and do. But I also think there can come a time when it is ok to want good things for ourselves. And a life with peace, happiness, to be treated well, and to have a true partner is one for me.

I was with my A for five years of work, love, worry, laughs and hell. I left. I wanted to love myself and a better life for my son. And if that was being alone and struggling, then I'd be at least peaceful in my environment and with ourselves. It was not easy. I still struggle with fears, anxienty, etc from the dealing with my A. But I will tell you what.....I'm happier now then ever. I'm stronger now then ever and a better person. I have learned about myself, what I will take, want I want, and what I have to improve on. But I would not go back to that kind of life for nothing. My opionon again. Yes it's hard, but worth every tear for me.

My meeting are crosstalk - I love them - had to go to about 6 different groups before I found the one that was "home" and those people saved my life...Keep trying

Take care.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't offer experince of having an A spouse so I will let those with much more esh than I speak to that,
I do love Jerry's reply and think it is truly worth a re read and some thought and prayer.
I've never been to a discussion meeting, no crosstalk has always been the rule
So may I suggest you join us for open chat in the meeting room. Except for the 2 meetings a day it is open 24/7 for open chat and discussion and I think you will find many who are walking in your shoes. Just a thought
Blessings

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

They have no cross talk for a reason, so that we can all learn to listen and hear what others share, how they are getting better. After the meetings is when we get to ask questions and cross talk... or before. Or here in the chat or message board. I do try here to share from my own experience, and not give advice and be positive because alanon is all about not giving advice.
I went through a divorce because my ex-not an alcoholic but a computer junkie--was very mean and I couldn't live with his mean ways anymore. My fiance who is an alcoholic, is sweet and kind and not like my ex. So I am learning about staying in the relationship and we actually do have good times together. We have plans we go places, we talk about things that are important to us and we love each other. I am learning through the pod casts I found online of speakers from conventions for alanon about how they stayed in the relationship and learned to love the person and hate the disease. If you can get a sponsor, that would be what was suggested to me, she can answer your questions directly and cross talk with you. Or other phone numbers from people in the groups. The book One day at a time helped me so much, the page for July 14....

kay115 · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I can see all of your points, and I can def. take a little something from each of you to apply to my life.

The thing I am having a hard time with is detachment in regards to assuming that my AH is drunk all the time and/or realizing that there will be no trust in the relationship. Why would I want a relationship with no trust? That is not the way that I want to or can live. I want a partner, not someone I live my life in parallel with. I would rather be on my own then in a life/marriage like that.

But yes, I do need to work on myself and heal myself. I know that I need Alanon to help me with that. Where is the best place to order some of the Alanon books? This site or another one?

I have not talked to my AH since I told him that I wanted a divorce unless he stops drinking forever. I know that it is unlikely he will stop (or want to) so I am pretty much taking it as we are getting a divorce at this point. Yes, I know I shouldn't be "threatening" him, but I do not see it as a threat because I am ready to follow-through.

Oh and we do not have any kids. We have only been married a couple of months short of one year, and I am 24 years old.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You can find the alanon books on Amazon.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Amen to not wanting a relationship with no trust. My AH (now ex-AH) said that because I didn't trust him, I should buy a breathalyzer and he would take breathalyzer tests every week. The idea of my checking up on him like a policeman was so far from what I wanted a marriage to be. He couldn't understand why this idea wouldn't work with me! Crazy. It's good to have an idea of what a real and healthy marriage looks like, I think, and decide what's appropriate when you realize that it can't be a marriage like that. Hugs.

lasthope · Veteran Member

Kay if you clarify your values, your decision to stay or go will follow.
Figuring out what you really truly above all else value is worth the effort.
You are smart, passionate, eager to learn, and courageous.
It sounds as if you value trust and relationship.

An addict's primary relationship is to his substance and so you cannot have
an authentic, trusting, intimate relationship with an active addict. The focus
of life when you are married to an addict is addiction. It permeates
every facet and every moment of your life.

Your H may or may not recover. He may stop drinking to quiet the
storm. Momentarily. Or he may switch to a less obvious addiction.

Promises that addicts make are lies that make you, the loved one, crazy.
The more lies you believe, the crazier you'll become,
and the more addiction will take you down.

Dr. Phil, whom I admire greatly, says that alcohol and drug
addiction is a deal breaker. I wholeheartedly agree.

However precious Kay, have you considered what attracted you to this man
rather than to another man who drinks moderately or not at all? Why did YOU marry
him rather than someone else? You've been married for a short period of time which
means that he was addicted when you married him. When I said that you would need
your own recovery in order to avoid finding yourself in the same
circumstance with another BF or H, that's what I meant. Look at you.
Not at him. That's what Alanon is all about. Working on ourselves.
Sending you this message with love and encouragement.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha, Kay

One of the great things I got out of Al-Anon is that I don't have to jump immediately on every idea or thought that comes into my head. I used to be very reactionary to my feelings - if I felt like I needed to change something, I'd wind myself up really good thinking about everything that would occur should such a change come about.

Yes, telling the AH "I will divorce you if you drink" IS controlling behavior.

I said that to the A in my life once upon a time. Oooh, he stopped drinking for a bit, but I felt like he wanted to kill me every time he saw me. I felt so uncomfortable entering my home. I got what I wanted - he wasn't drinking. But he was p*ssed about it, so I ended up with a very hostile AH.

I had another Al-Anon member tell me I was being controlling by telling him he can't drink or I'd divorce him, and I went home after the meeting that night, feeling absolutely certain she was right - I was being controlling - and I told the A that I would not hold the threat over his head any more.

Now, I did eventually divorce the AH - but it was a couple years after that, when I'd done a lot of work with my sponsor, gotten to a lot of meetings and really worked hard on myself and my relationship with my Higher Power. When the time for a divorce came, I did it all for me. My statement to the AH was simply "I'm not happy anymore. I want a divorce." and that was it... I didn't say, "You started drinking. You cheated on me. You, you you you you." Because ultimately, it wasn't about the AH at that time any more. It was about preserving myself.

I hope you read Jerry's message closely. While my result has been divorce, i would never like to see anyone make the decision hastily.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.