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Just wanted you to know that I don't have a sponsor of f2f close-ish connections yet, so I'm writing here. I do have some wise friends and a counselor, but any input would be invaluable!
This weekend I planned a loose ultimatum w/my RA. Basically to take his meds regularly, take care of himself, and spend a minimum amount of time with me, otherwise the relationship could not go on. This conversation was planned around me visiting a friend overnight, also I arranged for his best friend to come over, etc... In addition I was already afraid to confront him, because a) I'm a wimp ;) and b) he is a yeller.
Well I just got a text from him saying he is sick again, sorry, he is depressed, anxious, frozen, etc... etc...I texted back, told him to get thee to a meeting stat, and called. I have seen RA in this state and it is so stressful. However, at this juncture I am already at the end of my rope. In addition, he is not going to meetings and is so isolated from everyone besides work that I am the only person he sees or takes calls from. I am all he has, I love him dearly, and I can't take it any more. He is also entering a crisis.
I am sitting here in tears and so stressed out. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be SO welcome. However this episode ends, our relationship must finish because I can't take this anymore.
Hugs, sending much love and support. It sounds like you have a support system in place for both of you. Take care of yourself and give your A to his hp. You know the situation best and whatever you choose to do you'll be supported.
BigHugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
First I have to say I have never met an A that wasn't depressed. And as alcohol is a depressant it just compounds it. This is where I find compassion comes in. This is not a disease anyone asks for, he is sick and needs help. But he is the only one that can take that step to help himself. My son is my A, lived at home and we were stressed beyond our breaking point many times before i got to alanon. Alanon gave me the tools at first to live with the disease and keep some sort of peace. But as I moved along i learned not to give ultimatums i wasnt ready to back up. Ultimatums are a short lived manipulative tool. It only works for so long. In the end our son was sinking fast and taking us down with him. If we were to survive we could not live together. So when we were ready to put up boundries that we could stick with we told him he had to go. He has lost all his friends, jobs etc but he was working at the time and he did move out. It took me a good long while to stick with that boundary because it meant at some point we may have to see him homeless. Not easy for a parent. Right now he is in jail but again knows he cant come home so will hopefully be getting a bed in a sober living home. It is very very hard not to get sucked in to thier drama and it is a process to let go But if we continue to enable they never feel the consequenses of thier behavior or have any reason to change. So we had to learn to get out of our sons way and out of HP's way and let him fall. Has he hit bottom? no idea we never know what another persons bottom is. But if we were going to survive and I mean literally we had to let go and let god. wishing you the best Blessings
This sounds like a very very difficult time. I don't have many words of wisdome, but I do hope you will continue to be strong and have faith however this unfolds.
Since we can't control another person (step one), and ultimatums are about what the other person has to do, it's a foregone conclusion that ultimatums won't work. It sounds like this is what's happening right now for you.
One thing a psychologist friend told me is that people either end up on the same emotional level or they have to pull apart. So the more dysfunction one effectively pulls and pulls -- "I'm upset! You must be upset too!" Not that they say that deliberately, but that's the effect. So either we end up being as upset as they are (it sounds like that's where you are at this juncture), or else the less upset, less dysfunctional person has to get a lot of detachment. Because otherwise they will upset us perpetually. Because addiction is one big chaotic whirlwind.
So if you were to act on the knowledge that you cannot help or change him, what decision would you make? There are many possible decisions. It sounds to me like that's what's up next. Maybe a boundary? Because boundaries aren't to change them (because we can't) but to protect us.
Yes it IS a sickness and he IS sick. My RA also has many tools he can and has used before and is supposed to currently. Regular meds, diet, exercise, scheduling, friends, family, program, he has the opportunity for SUPER cheap cognitive behavioral therapy, another psych. referral, etc...most of these things he's told me about himself. Slip-ups I understand, but simply not using the tools at his disposal, becoming helpless, and blaming me/being over sensitive, etc...is, uh, way not cool, to use an understatement!
Especially when he takes his meds irregularly, that is plain scary for me. I'm afraid he will have to hit sober bottom and he will be homeless. But I can't live with somebody who tries to put his life in MY hands. Been there before, never wanted to be there again.
God give me strength as this is the love of my life, but he has to get a life on his own.
Thank you for your cyber hugs and kind wishes, I am leaning on a lot of folks now to see me through this. Not my favorite thing to do! ;P Blessings and gratitude,
And remember that he has the power to do everything to help himself. If he becomes homeless, it is by his own choice. I have to say, though, that when I asked my AH to leave, I thought he would be living under a bridge within six months. I mean he is a man with a phenomenal lack of ability to handle the daily tasks of adulthood. He is a walking disaster zone. But lo and behold, seven years later and he has never been homeless. A's have an uncanny ability to do for themselves when there's no one else to do for them.
I willtalk from the ESH point of living with a very mentally unwell man in the past who did not have substance issues. He was shizophrenic and I lived with him for 18 months. IT was the craziest time of my life I think.
HE didn't take his meds at times, which even led to the SWAT team surroiunding our house at one point and three psych nurses in my lounge room. (I read some of this stuff I write and think... wow... that girl has done a lot or she is full of sh*t... sometimes I can't relate that is me)
Anyhoooooo.... I eventually stopped trying to remind him to take his meds, I read a book while he was talking to the devil on our couch, I then went to visit him in the hospital.
My point.. yes there is one.. I eventually said to myself, this is not my sickness. I cant' do this. He will be sick if I am here or if I am not here. He has other supports, I am not the only person in the world who can do this for him. I dropped him at his mothers and I assisted at other times to set him up in a unit etc, but I did not take it over as my responsibility.
My other abuser, when I did leave him, called my best friend with a rifle in his mouth saying that if I didn't go back to him, he would shoot himself on the phone to her. Naturaly she was very upset. I told her to hang up on him. IF he is going to shoot himself it isnt my problem. SHe was very angry with me. (I now see her point a bit more) she did not want to be part of it.
I did not respond, he did not ring her again, and he is still alive. (for good or bad hehehe)
Your A is sick, you cannot help that. There are people out there who can help that. YOu can help your mental health. You can use all the tools of Al Anon for detachment. AFter all, addiction and mental illness are both illnesses of the emotions and brain.
Having read back over that.. I am not sure I have hit any marks for you, but you may get something out of it... you are not alone....
When I have been in this type of situation with my AH, and there have been some (homelessness and suicide threats, etc), the idea that gets me through is "live and let live."
I need to hand over the responsibility to the alcoholic (and his HP) and I need to LIVE my life. I need to take care of myself and be gentle with myself. I find that guilt and shame can consume me and I am angry at myself for "letting myself" be let down again.
But I have no control over that guy...and I need to let him live and I need to turn my attention to me and LIVE as best I can. And it has saved my sanity when I least expected it. It almost is too simple a concept, but it is so hard. LIVE AND LET LIVE.
Yes I am at that horrible juncture. It's about setting a boundary/loose ultimatum for my own sake. What makes this more difficult and confusing is he's made a psych. appointment, brought me little presents/love note, etc...again, actions, words, and what he looks like do not add up!
Coming here is part of my 'taking care of myself', so THANK you for the esh, kind words, etc...!!!
On a FUNNY note, the other day I practiced detachment really well. RA pulled 7 all nighters or near all nighters in a row, on the morning of the 7th he pleasantly told me, " You know, I love Dr. Laura's book, 'The Care and Feeding of a Husband.' I'd like to get it for you so you can read it."
