peeling paint - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

peeling paint

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linda,

I get it and yes, I have many "automatic reactions" that I'm working on undoing. They do not serve me well! This includes me taking on other people's problems. I don't know why I'm so quick to pick up and carry other people's luggage. I don't know how I even do it, and, if they were to want it returned, I'd have to work on giving it back and letting it go. I'm so dedicated!(silly, silly me!) ODAT

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all totally relate to the gut feeling of doing something wrong, not good enough etc because thats how I was raised. I was the child that everyone constantly voiced thier opinion about... wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, was lazy, wouldn't amount to anything... you get the picture. So yes when something goes worng I automatically revert to those old tapes that play in my head. Thankfully with the program I can stop those tapes (if i choose, sometimes i sit on the pity pot).
I have a very supportive husband who wouldnt even thinking of berating me for anything, his response would have been no worries I'll touch that up later.
My most favorite quote that I live and die by right now is " what other people think of me is none of my business"
All the abuse verbal and physical I took in the past before i even knew about alanon took me to a place where "I was going to show them" type thing. And they say the best revenge is living well and thats what I intended to do. I was extremly successful at any job/career I had. I stopped dating men who treated me badly as back then thats all I dated really without even thinking about it obviously cause thats all I knew, kept setting myself up for getting hurt. I took a relationship sabatical for a year and at the end of that year HP saw fit to put my husband in my path. Someone who treated me well, I so wasnt used to that. But 30 yrs later I consider that a success. The last few years is when I had such a meltdown because of those old tapes running in my head I was lead to alanon. Which did for me what no medication or therapist could. I lost my whole self worth for a while there and am slowing but surely getting it back though the program.
Now if I make a mistake I ask myself really how important is it? and will it matter 5 yrs from now? the answer is usually it's not that important, certainly not important enough to give up what peace I have and will it matter down the road, not likely so what am I getting myself worked up about?
I am glad your husband is supportive and seems to have a sense of humor.

Blessings

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

ehh, give yourself a break about it, peeled paint is an easy fix, measure the bother of repair against the pleasure of enjoying your banner - well worth whatever it takes to fix it, my opinion anyway.

Last month i drove a bus down a really horrendous bumpy narrow dirt road, passed through the first gate, with passengers help to avoid the post along the right side, on to the second gate, watching the bottom half of the bus to make sure I would make it through the narrow opening and smashbangboom guess who rammed the mirrors into the tall gate? who me? nah, i was in the back singing with the rest of em, ociffer, 'onest!

Got out, surveyed the damage and what could I do? it was broke and we had a wedding to get to, so we drove on - did I mention that it was a very hot dry day and long slow trip down the narrow dusty road? Nothing I could do right then about the mirror, wasn't hard to just chalk it up to experience and enjoy the rest of the day (accept the things I could not change, can't unbreak a mirror). Later I was told the brides father would pay for the mirror (yeah for me!) and the worst to happen was the entire trip back a know-it-all directed me along the road (kinda annoying especially considering the long hot day and how tiring it is to drive in such heat). But I bet I remember to watch my mirrors next time I go through a tall gate! (in my defense, we don't have tall gates in our regular routes and I swear that gate jumped out in front of the mirrors......

I see the serenity prayer in many situations in life - accepting what you can't change (the paint peeled), and changing the things you can (like repainting where needed and remembering the event so that you could plan for the paints tendancy to peel and be prepared next time).

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have suffered for things long after they are over as well. My ex-husband used to freak out on me if I even bought a coffee at the dunkin' donuts "How could you spend that kind of money?" and he was a control freak over our finances... that said, even now a couple years later, I wince when I go to the store to buy things for me or my older son, and I have a hard time fighting the guilt of buying things because my head still thinks "we shouldn't be buying things, we are going to get yelled at..."
My fiance now is great. He doesn't yell or get upset about things. He is a sweet guy, even if drunk. Anyway, it is a huge transition and one I take one day at a time. You are not alone :) HUGS! Keep coming :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda, through recovery, you will eventually learn that it is always about you. If you don't like someone else's behavior, you can choose to not be with them. You can draw boundaries. You have choices. In both addiction and codependency, we keep ourselves prisoner more than anyone else keeps us there. One of the goals of AA and I think alanon as well is to be free of the bondage of self and to "get out of your own way." Working the steps will offer you a solution and a new way of living as opposed to living in the past and automatically responding to old tapes the run through your head.

When we have one hand holding on to the past and another hand reaching toward the future, we have nothing left with which to hold on to today.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.