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Ugh! How did I know this would happen?? And why am I trying to change it. He's freaking out. I have three weeks til my due date. He's using badly again because of the anxiety (that's how he explained it). I asked him about cleaning the floors for me this morning. He was saying he needed to lay down. He took it as me being abusive and not letting him meet his needs (to lay down). I wasn't saying he couldn't lay down - I guess I just chose really bad timing to mention the housework I needed help with. Probably because I am anxious and frustrated too.
So he took off. Said he was leaving. I drove after him - no shoes, bra. Then got out the car and ran after him and begged him to come home. Total crazy behaviour. But I had no phone here. Couldn't stand the thought of being abandoned with only a few weeks to go and doing this alone. He's still here - but he's just ranted and raved at me again and says he's leaving in the morning. I am so scared - not of him - of being alone in this - what else can I do though but let him go?
I can honestly see how ridiculous this is. My behaviour and the way I responded. I just totally freaked out again at being abandoned. I honestly thought that even though he was using things we're kind of okay and now this....
He keeps telling me how abusive I am. How not letting him go is abusive. I understand that. But it honestly feels abusive to be left like that....
All I could think of is what if I have to go into labour by myself and handle this. What if? What if? How can I cope at home with my young daughter. I am exhausted etc etc. I couldn't understand that he was needing to get away from the situation.
Now he's just so angry. He's blame, blame, blame and I am trying so hard not to take it on - just to see my part in it. But this is so hard. I honestly wish I wasn't pregnant right about now. :(
This sounds like a very stressful, tumultuous situation for you. In the long run, working a program of recovery can work wonders. Of course right now you have to deal with the short term. My alcoholic husband was drinking heavily when I was pregnant and I know the fear that can cause.
For what it's worth, from what you describe I cannot see that anything you did in your interactions was "abusive." Sometimes we are so eager to "see our part in it" that we take on responsibility for everything. As if, if we could only be good enough, there would be no problems. The A's can use this to make us believe that their bad behavior is all caused by us. It's hard to get perspective when everything is messed up.
With only three weeks to go, I know not everything can be arranged as could be wished. But my experience is that it's wise to have a backup plan for everything involving an addict. Who do you have who would help you out? In my case, a friend flew 2000 miles to be there for when I went into labor. It wasn't even a friend I knew very well! But she offered and you bet I accepted. I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life. Even if our husbands are sober and supportive, parenting is a time when it's good to have the biggest support system possible. Who else can you gather into your support system? Maybe your other child has a friend whose parents would take her in when you go into labor? I did that for my son's best friend when his mother went into labor. All of this requires being a little pushy and asking, but people will say no if they can't do it. I think having support system apart from my AH is the only thing that kept me sane. You have to know that you could handle everything if he left. Maybe you have the resources to hire a doula (a woman who is there for you during labor -- not a doctor or nurse -- and helps with everything in the days afterwards)? Maybe you could get together with a friend and brainstorm ideas? Or get to an Al-Anon meeting and brainstorm ideas with some of the folks? I am 100% certain you are not the first to be in this situation (especially since I've been in it myself!).
In the longer run, things can get much better in your relationship and your life. Your own recovery can make a miraculous difference. So many people on these boards have found this.
Thank you so much. I have taken in all you've said - I am just in tears at the moment! Thank you so much for your support. My daughter does have friends who have offered to help (I mean their parents), theres my mum and sister too. You are so right in that I can take away some of my fear by having these back up plans and believing I can do this no matter what he's up to.
I have an inkling that I am not being abusive. That he's freaking out and out of control and looking for somewhere to put that blame for how he's feeling. I feel like today (its 6am here) he's going to start again with the blaming and he'll want me to apologise. Do I just apologise or do I say I accept that's how you feel about it, do I try to argue my point???! How can I just let it be if he's going to be on at me about how this is all my fault (not only this situation but the last 6 years) and where the hell did this come from - all this blame and verbal anger - with just three weeks to go?!! It was all going pretty much okay - it really was unless I was in complete denial? Yes he was drinking at night time - but none of this was coming out....is it even worth trying to work out the whys? I guess the reality is - this is where he's at. This is now the situation I am in....
Hugs, easy does it now is the time to focus on yourself and your baby. Unfortunately, you are not going to control what he does or doesn't do. The good news is you can take the pressure off of you by focusing on yourself. Back up on the horse of step one.
hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Hayes...If you have phone numbers from the membership in your area call and ask for support. It works...I've done it. Some may come and attend you while this goes on. It is not called the Al-Anon FAMILY Groups for nothing. Your addict? Time to detach and attach to others. He's not a normal person in a usual life so turn him over. Ask your HP to put program people or others in your path so that you can ask for help.
Best I can do is be here for MIP support. Chalk the panic chase up to experience. It didn't work so no need to use it anymore.
I don't know if you have meetings you go to or a sponsor, but those could be a huge help when you have a chance to use them. Some meetings have childcare. They help us sort out how to "detach with love" and respond when the alcoholic tries to stir up turmoil.
My own experience is that often alcoholics don't even know what they want; they just feel angry and stirring things up helps distract from their inner pain (but not in a way that does anybody any good, obviously). As for whether you should apologize, that's a judgment call, of course. I've come to think that part of getting more balance is being able to be "authentic," which would also mean not having to say things that aren't true just to placate others. The saying I hear around Al-Anon is "Mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean." Of course A's are often trying to pick fights, but as Al-Anon also says, "You don't have to show up at every fight you're invited to." Trying to argue with an alcoholic is futile; they're not really interested at arriving at understanding or a win-win conclusion, they're just in the grips of their disease. The number of times I've tried to reason with my A... well, needless to say, it never worked.
I wonder if you've got a copy of the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew? Many on here have found it very helpful. One of the things she mentions is that it's actually hard to get rid of an alcoholic. They're typically creating drama and storming out and threatening to leave and all that, but actually they're quite fragile and they come back again and again. (And if they did leave, who would really be losing more? I know it doesn't feel like that though!) But typically they're more noise than anything else. If we can just sit still, taking care of ourselves, and let the storm rage without feeling responsible for changing it, it quite often passes over.
Thanks Mattie. Gosh they are clever aren't they in trying to embroil you in it all. He's repeatedly told me its all me today. I've had another threat of him leaving etc etc. I've just been able to keep what i've read here going on in my head 'I will cope', 'he can think what he thinks' - there's no point arguing back. I am arguing with the disease and its going to be irrational. He can think its all my fault. So what? I've said I am sorry for my part in the 'chase' and that I realise that was impulsive and irrational and I've explained my fears behind my action - not an excuse - just a reality. I've tried to keep things okay in the house before my daughter went off for her afternoon school visit (she just does friday afternoons as she's not school age yet). She seems really good. I got her nice and ready and now I am going to rest while she's there for a bit.
I will cope.
Good point about them being hard to get rid off - I think he's trying to create an illusion - the threat of abandonment - maybe this is his worst fear? Anyways its not for me to work out. I am just going to try and stay calm for my daughter and bubs. He'll be through this cycle soon - only this time I am not going to engage and engage and escalate it.
I really want to get that book - I'll look into it now. I know a member left me a message about how to get hold of a copy in australia. Thank you so, so much. Your sharing words have helped me to kinda get through today. This far anyhow!!!
Absolutly have a plan B in effect for when baby arrives. Cause the baby is coming ready or not. My neighbors daughter recently had a simialar experince. The babys daddy decided he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby and he turned on her as did his whole family. she had her mother for support to get her to the hosp etc and lo and behold there was the daddy with his whole family. Got her thru labor and spent a few days with her but he works out of state so had to leave. This is not an ideal situation by any means, the babies dad is a registered sex offender, has another young child he doesn't support etc. So I sat down with the babys mom and her mom and we came up with a plan as she is going to have to go to work and support herself and the baby. She understands the dad will likely not be a part of her or the babys life so with that in mind we put at least a short term plan together as to who will care for the baby when she goes back to work, she will continue to live with her mom and that gave her some comfort. I didnt try to get into any long range plans as all things are subject to change. The main thing is that she stayed calm before the baby was born and has a short term plan b for the babys care until she is ready to make other decisions. It is really important that you are taking care of yourself right now. I know it's hard not to take things personally when 1st your hormones are raging and 2nd you will soon be respondsible for another life. But the more stress you put on yourself right now the baby gets stressed. Pls take care of you and the little one Blessings
Hayes, you are so much stronger than you think. I think you are describing some serious anxiety about the baby and feelings of being alone....those are separate from your husband's substance abuse issues. It sounds like those thoughts and feelings have you reaching near panic levels and that is not good for you or the baby. If the anxiety is really that serious, you might think about counseling. I have been at the point where I was so fearful of being alone that I clung to the crappiest of relationships. It does sound like your husband is taking away your power and chipping at your self esteem little by little so that you will feel trapped and with no options. That way you will accept unacceptable behavior from him as normal because you will be so controlled by him that you will have lost your frame of reference for what actually is a healthy and caring relationship. Try and get to some meetings and become empowered. The best example to set for your daughter is to be a mommy that is happy, relatively independent, confident, and involved with lots of people aside from just being controlled and influenced by one man.
Not saying to break up or end things, but reach out for support, go to Alanon meetings and let the people there help take care of you and love you until you can love yourself more. If you do that, you will be literally shocked at all the things you will find yourself able to do on your own once you are free from being controlled by the fear of your husband's sickness.
Hayes, take care of you. At this point that is what is most important. You and your baby. Have a back up plan like all have suggested. If you are anywhere close to Dallas, let me know. I will help anyway I can. If he threatens to leave, tell him you would hate for him to miss this important event, but you will be okay. If you can't depend on him. fretting over it or pressuring him won't help. I am glad you have family and friends around, and think that the hormones and anxiety of the upcoming birth are probably as much of what is going on as anything else. And when we feel cornered or threatened we can react in unreasonable ways. If you feel the need to apologize I would make sure it's about how you handled the situation, not that you forgive or accept his behavior in the incident. I am new to all this, but hope my words will have a glimmer of something positive you can take.
I have a beautiful 4 month old daughter now along with my 5 year old and we are coping okay - even though their Daddy is still sick and my own Dad died on the 12th of this month after 4 years of Motor Neuron Disease. I can cope - I will get through this and get my girls through this.
My partner is going into detox again as soon as a bed is available. As hard as it will be to look after the girls on my own - as scared as I am - I know I can do and he could be gone for 7-10 days minimum I guess and I hope to get some good 'space' to think.
