The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The grief that I thought I had laid to rest has resurfaced this year.
Here's my story:
When my dad, due to his drinking, mental illness, and abusive behavior, became too unstable and unsafe for us to be in contact with, we cut our ties and lost touch with him for many years through my teens into young adulthood.
Then, when I was 25, I made renewed contact with him. He was the stablest I have ever seen him (not perfect, but significantly better than he had ever been) and we had a stable relationship for about seven years into my early 30s.
Then, when I was 32, he became erratic and abusive again. All the behaviors I remembered from my childhood resurfaced--yelling, blaming, etc. In a fit of anger, he left me voicemail that he never wanted to hear from me again. I was completely blind-sided and heartbroken.
Now, it's five years since the severance of contact. Although he made the first move to end our relationship, I have since come to the decision that his abusive behavior frightens me too much and I simply can't be in touch with him.
I felt at peace with my decision for several years, but the grief and loss have resurfaced this year. I feel tremendously sad. The grief is just immense. I'm wondering how others have handled the grief that comes with alcoholism. I'm not seeking to reconcile with him - he has a long-standing pattern of abuse--not withstanding the seven years of stability--and while I was willing to give him a chance once--once the abuse returned, I shut the door. I made a promise to myself to protect myself from abuse and I am keeping that promise. Still, the grief is there. Now that we have reached the five year anniversary, I would like to find a way to acknowledge this event in my life and to create a ritual to both attend to my grief and to honor the fact that I had the strength to protect myself. Any ES&H for how to grieve this kind of loss?
Any ideas or words of comfort and support would be most welcome.
-- Edited by BlueCloud on Wednesday 17th of August 2011 11:25:03 PM
Hi BlueCloud, My dad died before I even realized he was an addict and I needed Al-anon. I remember the good things about my dad and forgive the bad. After he died my uncles spread his ashes in the ocean of Mexico and with that being unrealistic for me to go there to visit. I have found a great nature trail that I go to and I spend time thinking of him and letting him go. I have spent lots of time in my thinking spot and it has helped me let go of all the loss in my childhood things I missed due to having my A parents. I am reading a great book "Perfect Daughters for Adult Children" by Robert J Ackerman PhD. It has helped me look deeper into me and my parents. I love them for what they could give with the little tools they had and forgive them for the tools they lacked coming from their own very dysfunctional childhoods. I have found the hardest things to let go of are the dreams I had of how things should have been in my life. I am now in reality and have made decisions to give myself and my children a better legacy from here on out.
I am sending you courage, love and strength on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The loss of contact with loved ones, even sick and abusive ones, hurts long hard and deep.
I'm sending a prayer your way, as this sounds like something you may wish to ask your higher power to hold. When the rocks in your pocket get too heavy, it's been my experience that our HP always seems to have the will and the room to carry any we don't want clunking around weighing us down anymore.
I ebb and flow on this issue. My dad has been out of my life longer than he has ever been in it. That was totally his choice on the matter, the famous "your mother was to complicated" was his excuse. It's an excuse because he could have been a real grown up and dealt with my mother inspite of the fact she is "complicated". Now apparently I'm to complicated for him .. lol. The last time we were together was horribly toxic on both sides. He never wants to admit anything is ever wrong in our relationship and at the time I made a side trip to looneyville. I just can't process the emotions fast enough when we are together and I have decided that it's just better to steer clear. It hurts to much and I'm not ready. The sad thing is I may never be ready and I'm ok with the idea, .. usually.
There are def times I miss him or maybe it's the idea of him. As I type this it is what I want him to be and he will never live up to my expectation of what I want him to be, no one can it's an unrealistic expectation. My kids miss out on a pretty wild granddad and I do miss his insight in specific situations. I also have to remind myself it's not just them missing out he misses out on my children, I think that's sad because I have some great kids. :) They are funny, sweet, kind, compassionate, pretty much everything I wasn't at their age due to circumstances I had to face at that age. Unfortunately, the reality is the contact when face to face just is not healthy for either of us. Again maybe in the future, I'm not healthy enough to deal with myself when I'm around him.
I"m learning how to get what I wanted/needed from both of my parents from myself. Whatever residual holes in me that are there are now mine to fill. No one else can do so, no outside male relationship is going to fix it. All I know is I have to heal at my HP's pace He's set for me, not at anyone else's pace even the pace I wish to set. I know I'm going to be ok, .. if my relationship with my parents is healed then great, if not then I have to be ok with that, wishing differently is just wasted wishes. I don't know if that makes sense? LOL?
Sending lots of love and support, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't have any experience with this sort of thing, but the thought that came to my mind - what about writing him letters, as often as you wish, and simply don't send them? It might do you a bunch of good to get your feelings out, good and bad - in a safe and healthy manner...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have a father that I do not know. Well I know him, but not very well. I met him for the first time when I was 16. He was this long hair hippie guy who followed both the bands the Grateful Dead and PHish around on tours. I had on and off contact with him til I was probably about 30. His father abused me when I was a little girl (molestation). When I finally told him about this, he basically told me that it didn't happen and then that if it did happen that his father didn't mean it because he was an old man and didn't know what he was doing. An old man at 63 years old, who was completely sane and knew what he was doing. Anyway, that made it so I cut ties with my father. I am still very angry with him. We had such little contact before that. I know that he is into drugs, I don't know what kinds, but I know he is probably an addict of some sort. He is quite crazy. I was raised by my step-dad who adopted my brother and I to have his last name. This man I call dad. However deep inside of me is a sadness that I don't "know" my own biological father and he has no care to know me or my boys... Its one of the things I hate to feel and one of the reasons I concentrate on others and my A so I don't have to feel that pain. I was told recently by a friend here that when I work the steps in alanon, I will begin the healing process on this. Until then, I am just taking it one minute at a time... HUGS> YOu are not alone!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
It is hard. I think we go through different waves of feelings depending on where we are in our lives. Sometimes I think what it would have been like to have a "real" father, one who was attentive and sane and appreciated me and that I could talk to. I have some friends with fathers like that and it's like having a third arm, I can't really imagine what it would be like. My biological father was totally absent and my stepfather was mentally ill and usually just checked out, which was better than when he was paying attention, because then he was belligerent and critical and dysfunctional. From what I know about his upbringing it's no wonder -- few people would have emerged healthy out of that situation. But that doesn't change what it was like for me as a child. He had a first family that he had abandoned, and one of his son from that family later committed suicide. I know that part of what factored into that must have been the son's feeling that his dad had abandoned him. (I know suicide isn't that simple, but it can't have been negligible as a cause.) I often thought, "If you had known this man, you wouldn't have been any better off." It was all a huge illustration of the Al-Anon saying "Hurt people hurt people."
Some of us are dealt bad hands of cards. I guess we feel the grief and then look at our lives as they are: immensely complicated, full of both the good and the bad. Know that you're not alone. There are so many of us out here. Hugs.
I don't have any great ideas for a ritual, but I do think it's a really good idea and I like the suggestions to write letters and to designate a special place where you can go to connect with the memory.
I have been working through grief with a couple of very simple things that almost sound stupid to suggest, but I'm going to anyway... They are extremely simple and yet I was never able to handle my grief this way before. Now, I feel like I'm working through it (of course not perfectly, but that's how it is) and feeling more free and hopeful. Maybe this will be helpful for someone. In any case, it's helpful for me to write it :)
#1 - When I notice a wave of grief pass over me, I don't ignore it, judge it or fight it. I just notice it and accept it. I think to myself, I'm feeling sad over this loss and that's okay. Sometimes I'll ask myself why I'm feeling it just then, but more often I just accept it and let it be.
#2 - I have a very simple breathing practice when I feel that wave of grief. I just stop and take a deep breath and I think about letting the grief and sadness go out of me with each out-breath. I don't force it out or measure how much of it is gone. I just let it out... Then I take a few more deep breaths and let it out some more until I feel calm and a little more balanced. If I need to stop what I'm doing and just sit or go for a walk or do some yoga, I do that too.
#3 - I make sure that I also give myself a chance to cry it out. If the breathing doesn't take care of it and I just feel overwhelmed to tears, I find some private time to just cry it out. Waaah, tears, kleenex, the whole nine yards. You can only cry as hard as you can for so long, and then it stops. You might have to cry again later, but I always feel better for a while.
#4 - I also remind myself that these feelings of sadness will eventually get better. Whatever is lost will still be lost and nothing takes that away, but time heals the sadness through acceptance and just living. Suddenly there are little joys again and things just start to feel better.
#5 - I try to take care of whatever my basic needs are - the HALT and exercise! All of those things help to make grief more manageable.
#6 - I try to put things in perspective. It's not to minimize my grief, just to have it in the right perspective. Millions of people are starving in Somalia, there's huge unemployment in my area, there are probably billions in the world who have it worse than me. I focus on my gratitude for what I have and I try to do something to help the less fortunate and focus less on my own sadness.
My father was an alcoholic and a mean one. My mother left him when I was about 8yrs old and i had very little sporadic contact with him for many yrs. When he finally sobered up i was in my 20's and I gave it a go to get to know him. He had married another A also in recovery. When i saw my father I honestly have to say I felt very little. Looking back I think I did my grieving as a child. I had no expectations but while he was sober he was still judgemental and condeming as was his wife ( who i didn't know from adam). I left there feeling empty. When he was dying I went to see him in the hospital ( this was when alanon wasnt even on my radar ) and I talked to him for a bit and then I found myself forgiving him. I told him I was sorry that his sickness never allowed him to be a part of my life but I understood it was his illness that kept us from having any kind of meaningful relationship. And I was truly sorry that his life choices lead him to lead a miserable life because drunk or sober he was miserable. Once i forgave him a weight was lifted off my shoulders, I did not feel the need to try and care for him ( I had not been taught compassion) and the act of forgiveness was probably more freeing for me than a comfort to him. Looking back I wish I had found the compassion to spend his last days with him but it just wasn't there for me. Today when I pray and I speak to loved ones I have lost, I speak to my father quite often. That may sound crazy and maybe it is. But my son is now an A and I talk to my father about that all the time and have asked his forgivness for the compassion I lacked when he was alive. I believe he hears me and that I have made things right between us. I am not angry at him now that I am much more educated on this disease. I know now he did the best he could with what he had to work with. And if given the choice he never would have hurt his family. I recently lost my brother to this disease. He was a recovering heroin addict and after he found recovery, found a woman he wanted to marry and had a son he was given his death sentence of HepC. He had the most virulant strain of the disease and no medications could help him. But I was so proud he maintained his sobriety (13 yrs) until he checked into the hospice unit. I was his medical power of atty and although we lived 700 miles apart I spent endless hours working with his treatment team and traveling back and forth. And during my last visit the Drs were very hopeful he had time on his side, probably months and long enough to get on a transplant list. But his wife had relapsed 5 yrs ago which i was not aware of until my brother told me and she was ready to move on with her life so all the work that was done to get him healthier and stronger were totally undone when his wife advised him he was no longer welcome in his own home again no matter how much better he got. My brother tried in his way to prepare me not to expect to much the last time I saw him and I didn't understand as he had been so hopeful just a few days before. Then I found out what his wife had told him. And without the hope of ever returning to his family again he gave up 1 week after i left him the last time and he died. Right now I am not only grieving the lost of my big brother whom I loved no matter what but am wallking around with a resentment towards his wife I am not sure I will ever let go of. I know at some point if I am to move on with my grief I am going to have to let it go, but for now I just can't. In my eyes she took from me what was irreplaceable and unforgiveable. So the moral of this story as I have probably put you to sleep by now lol..... Forgivness goes a long way. You don't ever have to see your dad again if you so choose and for your protection but I have to agree with Tom that writing it out even if you never send it may help you tremndously. There may come a day you send the letter of forgivness without giving up your decision of keeping your distance. Sorry this was so long... you caught me in the middle of my own grieving process. And there is no right or wrong in your grieving process, it is different for everyone so be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel the grief and move on from there. Blessings
