acceptance - Al-Anon Family Group

sirchef · Member

acceptance

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am learning about acceptance right now. I am reading the AA big book, alanon's One day at a time and courage to change. I also read Getting Them Sober. I talked with my sponsor about this just today... I have to accept myself for who I am. I am me. I am learning to accept me for me. I also have learned that I have to accept life on life's terms. I can't let people, places, things, events ruin my mood. Bad things may happen, good may happen, I am learning about keeping my serenity at all times. I have to stop living in the problem and start living in the solution. I have to let the changes begin with me and let go and let God... I am not resigning when I accept that life is life... I am not giving up because I am working on me and going forward in my life. Welcome here. Keep coming :) Hope you find a meeting for you :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

good question. I am asking the same ones and look forward to the replies

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Start with giving up (I give up, I can't control it anymore - I am powerless over it), move to resignation (because I am powerless, I know he is going to drink and there isn't anything I can do - I am resigned to the fact that he is going to drink); on to acceptance, surely the least negative sounding of the three - I accept that he is going to drink, if I choose to continue to associate with him, I am choosing to accept that this is a part of who he is.

At least that is my view of it - for whatever it is worth.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Acceptance is a process and I found that I could attain it by slowly practicing alanon principles. Focus on myself, take no one inventory but my own, Live One day at a time, and trust HP. I then finally understood that I truly was powerless over people places and things and if I was powerless then I needed to have HP with the power.

Dr H Tiebout a great supporter of early AA discussed acceptance and alcoholism . In essence he stated:

" Acceptance appears to be a state of mind in which the individual accepts rather than rejects or resists: he is able to take things in, to go along with, to cooperate, to be receptive. Contrariwise, he is not argumentative, quarrelsome, irritable or contentious. For the time being, at any rate, the hostile, negative, aggressive elements are in abeyance, and we have a much pleasanter human being to deal with. Acceptance as a state of mind has many highly admirable qualities as well as useful ones. Some measure of it is greatly to be desired. Its attainment as an inner state of mind is never easy.

It is necessary to point out that no one can tell himself or force himself wholeheartedly to accept anything.

One must have a feeling -- conviction -- otherwise the acceptance is not wholehearted but halfhearted with a large element of lip service. There is a string of words which describe halfhearted acceptance: submission, resignation, yielding, compliance, acknowledgment, concession, and so forth. With each of these words there is a feeling of reservation, a tug in the direction of nonacceptance."

I Need to add that acceptance is a powerful tool. Once I finally accepted alanon and the idea that i was powerless --I was finally free to decide what I wanted to do with my life--Stay, change, grow, leave It was all wide open to choices.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 17th of August 2011 10:27:32 PM

GreenK · Veteran Member

Acceptance, in the program is in the Serenity Prayer and also with Step One:

"We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."

This step takes courage to choose to truly see what is; to accept our powerlessness over an extremely painful situation/reality in our lives. Through acceptance we choose to lay down our own will in order to change. This is like asking an Alanoner to basically jump into an unknown void backwards. I did it because I was in such mental anguish from not being able to bring about a resolution (mine) with my AH that I thought I would die.

My defiant will was all I felt like I had at that point. If we choose to do it--accept that we are powerless of people, places, things and events, over and over, again and again, then we learn to turn the focus back on ourselves and many of us begin to feel some relief pretty quickly.

We learn to accept the things we cannot change (the alcoholic) and change the things we can (ourselves).

Acceptance of our powerlessness is at the beginning of our path to recovery. Seeing what is--is painful but then we get to feel the burden beginning to lift and we can have hope that there will be an end to the struggle.

Resignation to me means giving in without any hope for change. I think it's basically a form of giving up but still holding onto your will. It would happen in the absence of acceptance of my own role in the struggle and conflict for instance. It's saying that I am giving into the other person because there is just no other way.

Alanon teaches us that there is another way by reminding us that we are responsible for our own happiness regardless of what behavior the other person is up to. No one can make me angry, sad, happy, or anything else without my giving them permission to do so. I am responsible for me! Now I get to embark on a life-long journey to explore me! What a concept.

Also, one of the first insights I had was that I noticed that I held a strong opinion that my AH was resigned (I'll use this word because it was something similar) to being a verbally mean alcoholic forevermore. I had decided that I had given up on his ever changing. My sponsor told me that as long as I chose to do this it was like standing between him and his higher power. I was casting a shadow. I have no right to do this! (Ok, I admit I forget this a bunch...) This was such an eye opener for me. I can appeal to his higher power to please work on him. Then I can leave it alone--its out of my hands.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

The first line of the Serenity Prayer states: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change". The key word is accept. I don't see acceptance as resignation or giving up. For me it was a new way of thinking. For years I couldn't accept that I couldn't change the alcoholic in my life.

Step One tells me I am powerless. If I accept I am powerless my life does not have to become unmanageagle. Having acceptance made my life better, allowing me finally take the fouus off the alcoholic in my life and put it where the program tells me to put it...on me....Accepting the things I can not change.....Acceptance is good thing.

HUGS,
RLC

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I still go with what I first learned about acceptance in the ODAAT daily reader which in essence said "Not accepting the the negative of a situation but just the fact of it" I have no power over the fact that it happened and once I accept that it did happen and not judge the morality of it (taking it personal) I will move on if I wish.

I am also a fan of Tiebout who was a huge helped in both AA and Al-Anon and his explanation about the difference between submission and surrender was rocket science for me. A spiritual awakening. Go to the indexes of the daily readers and look up the pages on acceptance. That works for me. ((((hugs)))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

fine line between the feelings you describe , acceptance for me is simply knowing that I dont have to agree with what is going on around me nor do I have to condone it I just have to accept that I cannot change it . The only thing I have any control over is my attitude about what is happening. Indifference for me is not careing what is happening and it is a terrible way to live lonley and cold .. which meant that I have shut down .I have a friend who says if you cannot accept what is happening around you , leave it .. and if you cannot leave it you damn well better find a way to accept it . that keeps it simple for me.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I have accepted that I am powerless over my a's drinking, or anything and anybody else except myself. I've accepted the situation I'm in because I'm not going to leave. I'm resigned to the fact that my a drinks and to the idea that he's probably not going to change. But I haven't given up on him unless you count giving him up to HP - and that's what still gives me hope.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what pineapple has to say "But I haven't given up on him unless you count giving him up to HP - and that's what still gives me hope. "

Acceptance is knowing powerlessness over people, places or things. There is absolutely hope attatched to that feeling.

Resignation is giving up, ... it's being without hope.

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I enjoyed reading all of these. I particularly liked likemyheart which I interpreted to mean it is a staged thing.

I can identify that at first I 'gave up'. I actually said the words... I give up, you win. I also said, It is always me that has to give in isn't it, everybody just does what they want regardless of my feelings. Its happened all my life. (poor bugger me)

I think the other day, I found resignation. The day I posted about here. I am resigned to the fact that at this point in time I do not want to leave him, so I have to 'put up' with his smoking. I am in resignation. It feels better than giving up, but not great.

Yesterday I came home and I really didn't have to force myself to not look at the drawer. I honestly didn't care. I thought he had smoked, so looking made no difference to me. When he came home, he didn't look stoned at all. I told him he looked good today, his eyes looked better than they had in days. He said thats funny cos they feel bad today AS IF I did have a smoke. so maybe he didn't have one... I really didn't care. It didn't change my night. (I had a MASSIVE headache headed toward a migraine which probably 'helped')

Today he only works half a day. I know he will smoke. I have a smaller knot in my stomach than I did other weeks. I amnot going to ask him to do anything so I can delay his opportunity to smoke. I am resigned that he will.

I am hoping it is moving toward acceptance. I liked that analogy.

I also liked hotrod (and another person said similar things) that is precious

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