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Why do I allow my AH to make me feel guilty when Im doing nothing wrong?
I just got the email and phone call from the AH wondering what I had been up to.I told him working, but that wasnt good enough.I havent been going home at lunch because it frees me up to just read, run errands or relax and do whatever I want to without explanation. Wednesdays are my F2F meeting so today I did that. Well he asked me what I did and I told him and his response was oh my God.I was immediately back to feeling like I did something wrong; defensive and hurt.I didnt say anything at all, just sat there and then went on to the next topic, but I am so mad that he can still take me back there to feeling like Im being scolded like I did something wrong. Have others had similar problems with their A when they know they are going to Alanon?
Dear oldgraduate, I think the answer to your question most probably resides from your experiences with your family of origin. Many times, people who grew up in a toxic home (from several possivle reasons) develop en exaggerated sense of responsibility and unfounded feelings of guilt. This is frequently carried over into adult relationships. People frequently seek out people who are reflective of their childhood because that is what is familiar.
After years of mistreatment, the spirit and self-esteem becomes eroded away.
Have you read any literature on co-dependency. I think that would be helpful.
To respond to your other question, in my first marriage, my husband was VERY CONDESCENDING when I began doing things that I wanted to do. But, I refused to stop and finally left that prison of a marriage.
When you begin to change, other people who have relied on you to be a certain way are often very unhappy about it.
You have to value yourself first, because you can't ever count on anyone else to do it.
That is my take on it from my past. Hope it helps in some way.
Yes, sounds extremely familiar, and brings back many memories.... That is when I had to adopt the saying "what you think of me is none of my business", and learned to go about MY business as I needed to, for my recovery.... The practice of trying to please an active A, in my experience, was an absolute exercise in futility...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
GEEZ, THANKS GUYS. I was feeling so low after that one little remark from my AH and then felt mad at myself for letting him get to me. I Think I am doing what's best for me and ultimately for us. But if I am going to get push back, I think it will make me want to give up on the US part of the relationship and work on the me part. I guess I'm more into self-preservation mode now and yes I am reading the Codependent no more. I think it's working buy my initial response is to get defensive. I guess I am getting better; I didn't argue with him about it. But I did internalize it and that isn't healthy either. What is crazy is that I think the changes I am making in me are making our relationship better and it seems that he would welcome it. Tom, you are right - I have to remember "what you think of me is none of my business", but I am not quite to the Not taking it personally place yet.
Hugs, my A right now has stopped with trying to do things to keep me from meetings. I rephrase he still tries it just doesn't matter. He fully gets that. He knows not to say anything because I won't engage him. when I can stop taking it personally I am fully connected to step one. It's an every moment thing and it's taken face to face meetings lots of reading co dependent no more. Other books as well to disengage from the jade aspect. I still do it, I know when I do lol. For some reason I'm really good with my A on that issue. Hugs practice practice practice ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I read your post subject and thought, "Yea, I gotta read that one." I read your post and thought, "Wow, I know EXACTLY what OG's talking about." I read the responses ahead of me and thought, "As much as I KNOW there's hope, it sure feels good to be reassured of hope."
I'm going through the same emotions, OG. And I hate it. I got a text from my A today, in fact, whom I haven't spoken to in days, randomly asking me where her computer is (It was sent out for repair 3 weeks ago, she knew that, and I haven't been home for over 2 weeks; hence, no idea there), and accused me of "illegally transferring bills" into her name. (I've done no such thing; I've only paid them).
Now this random stuff is normal in our relationship. She, especially when under the influence, randomly accuses me of absurd things that I then, for some reason, attempt to defend. A fight normally starts, we argue.
Here's were I relate to you, OG. I have yet in our marriage to have actually committed any of the "crimes" I'm accused of. BUT, for some reason I always feel guilty like I somehow have.
Who feels nuts? This guy, that's who. I know I shouldn't, I guess that's why I'm here.
OG, thanks for bringing this up. Tom, Otie, and Pushka: Thanks for the encouragement.
When you marry someone, it is often with romantic notions that you will do whatever you can to make that other person happy. We don't realize that an ideal marriage is one where both parties make themselves happy on their own and then share the happiness together. An active alcoholic is basically never happy and they are constantly looking for an excuse for their misery and to take the easy way out of working through problems by just getting drunk.
So....this then leaves you with a person who is always irritable, doesn't live in the solution to any problem, and is constantly blaming you or at least projecting his misery onto you. When you married him, he probably wasn't as bad. Alcoholism progresses insideously and in the context of a relationship, the way you respond (trying to control or fix it) also progresses insideously.
Anyhow, perhaps you feel guilty because you just want so much for him to be happy and for you to have a hand in it...instead of what is actually going on which is him being miserable and you having no control over it. Keep handing HIS disease back where it belongs. With HIM.
He is the cause of his misery, not you. You are the cause of your happiness, not him. Takes practice and it is easier said than done (It's more natural to just believe someone when they say "you make me angry" and to believe that another person "makes" us feel ultimately happy, sad, guilty, or whatever).
Hey there OG... Ahh yes, I know this feeling well. I mean do I know it... I guess the way I started to feel better about that is working hard on me. I read the book Getting Them Sober and carry it around with me wherever I go. I read pages randomly. I choose pages that sound like my moment in time. I remember to talk to my sponsor about a lot of things that I can't control... I am getting better at not feeling guilty about a lot of things.
For me, my job is giving me a back bone so to speak. I am at the front desk of a publishing company that puts out a newspaper every day and I get TONS OF CALLS every day from people yelling about stuff. Stuff in the paper, stuff not in the paper, ads people placed, ads that were placed wrong, people not getting their papers, people getting papers they didn't want... and so on ad nauseum... So at first I took it all personally. I cried. I thought everyone hated me.
Eventually I got Alanon. I started to QTIP. Quit taking it personally. Then I was able to apply that to my job. I was able to apply that to other things. And then to my relationship. It took time to bring it home, but I am working on it now. My A-fiance doesn't give me a hard time about alanon. He has actually noticed the good changes in me. He has made comments as to how well he thinks I am doing. So thats the biggest thing... I think for me, I had to read One Day at a time in alanon ALOT, Getting Them Sober and COurage to change. Then I got a sponsor and she helps me in times of need. I have her support and the support here. I am so grateful for this program... One day at a time :) HUGS! Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
This is a good thread with very good responses. Quite simply for me I was finally taught by sponsorship in the program that no one can make me participate with out my permission including feel guilty. It's one of the very best practices in recovery for me.
Keep coming back OG cause it works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
What is crazy is that I think the changes I am making in me are making our relationship better and it seems that he would welcome it.
I just had to comment on this one because I've had that expectation so many times with my AH. I looked this up in Paths to Recovery, pg 120:
"We need to learn to give up expectations about outcomes and catch outselves when we are trying to fix anyone."
Thank you for your post. I can totally relate as this happens with my AH almost weekly. But I'm happy to say I'm learning to just let it roll off my back. I agree with the response that suggest that this most likely goes back to our family of origin wounds. But, with continued work we can change our reactivity. Huge stuff! :)
When I read your subject, I immediately thought of something I learned gradually:
No one can make you feel anything - what I feel is the result of my own thinking.
Does your husband understand the purpose of Al-Anon? I'd tell him once and then let it alone. If he doesn't get it, then don't let that be your problem.
Perhaps when he begins to see the changes in you, he will be more supportive. However, if he is active in his alcoholism, that is highly unlikely.
My experiences has taught me to not be concerned about what others think of me. That was a difficult lesson for me to learn. And yes, sometimes I catch myself a little concerned about how someone perceives me. But I gently remind myself that it's not my business (as Tom frequently reminds all of us MIP members).
Think about it: what if 5 people observe you doing something. Each has their own viewpoint regarding what you did. Each viewpoint is different. What are you going to do? Worry about each viewpoint? Invitation to insanity, if you ask me.
Keep working it. It does get better. Promise.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
It's called projection. When my ex-abf started doing things he shouldn't like gambling he would start fights with me. Then I would react and it was all my fault because of A. B. C. He would put me down he would drive me to extremes. It's awful feeling like you aren't good enough. It is how they break you down and you deserve better. You can't help those that aren't willing to help themselves.
