jumping in feet 1st,and uhaul next - Al-Anon Family Group

chinup · Veteran Member

jumping in feet 1st,and uhaul next

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Chinup :)

Take it all slow very slowly. It's all one big SLOW process. Have I mentioned just go S-L-O-W?? :)

You don't have to reveal yourself all in one day/night give yourself some time and space because you need to get to know him as well without rushing. Again I'm with the slow .. lol. :)

You might want to go to a meeting if you are attending f2f just to get some support and see what works for others.

Hugs P :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

What I have learned is to take it slow, go on one date, hug good bye, and remember to treat yourself like a goddess!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I got a chuckle out of your title - but I TOTALLY understand.

That's how dating was for me, particularly just after I got out of some relationship. I'd latch on to the first person I went out with and swear they were my soulmate and be planning the wedding before the date was over. Yikes. It never even occurred to me to ask myself if I actually even LIKED the person. I just got caught up in the process - and inevitably, I got addicted to the person and became psycho. Hehehe ... I can admit it now, but until I changed, I could NOT see this about myself.

The only way I got out of the cycle was to take a year off from dating. Yup - a whole year. I had come to understand that I was not capable of "take it slow" or any of the other advice I got about new relationships. I wasn't capable of making good decisions while I was bouncing from one person to the next either. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It took a long time for me to ask myself what I was feeling and pay attention to that. I would be so eager to please the guy -- "He wants to go out with me! I have to keep him feeling like this! This might never happen again!" So he might be cutting or rude or sarcastic or tell stories that would make another person run, but I'd be making excuses for him to myself -- "But he's so successful in business! He couldn't be so successful if he weren't all kinds of good things!" Instead I should have been paying attention to how I felt: "When he sneers at me like that, I feel awful. That is not good. I don't want to spend the next umpteen years feeling awful. This is not the guy for me."

It sounds as if you have some of that "scarcity mentality" I have had too --"there won't be anyone for me, they all leave, nothing works out," etc. That just makes us clingier and less likely to pay attention to our feelings. And we know where that leads.

If things haven't worked out in the past, I've come to see, it's because our pickers were broken (as they say). It's not that we didn't cling hard enough -- it's that we clung to the wrong people in the first place. So of course they left. They weren't people we should have stayed around anyway. And our part in it was picking the dysfunctional people and then ignoring our own feelings and clinging to them. Or at least if you're like me -- that was my part in it. If I had been involved with Jack the Ripper, I would have thought, "I bet I can make this work."

If the old ways haven't worked, time to try the new ways. Keep on taking good care of yourself!

Superhero No More · Member

Chinup, you are WORTH all the great things you dream of and hope for.

And I agree with the wisdom stated above - S.L.O.W. You've got your whole life to figure this out. Be yourself.

Saying 'No': Practice it in a mirror. Imagine a time you wish you would have, and pretend in your mind you did, and picture an outcome you'd have preferred. Practice saying it some more. It's OK to say 'No' to inanimate objects. It's OK to practice it. Most importantly: It's OK to say 'No' any time you feel like saying 'No'.

Don't get down because of dates that didn't work, you're just eliminating the ones who aren't right for you!

Be yourself. Relax. You don't have to force it. They don't have to like you. You don't have to like them. Be yourself. If you just be you, and you meet someone who really likes you when you're being you, and you like them when they're being them, that's when it'll happen.

When it does happen, S.L.O.W. is the way to go.

God Bless,

Brian

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

When I realized that I "didn't get it yet" and was full of doubts my sponsor taught me a slogan. "When in doubt...don't" Don't make the decision or choice just don't...go to a meeting work with some liteature, lead on the subject and listen and learn and then practice, practice, practice. I stopped trying to do things I didn't know how to do and which were bringing me every negative consequences. I was fine stopping and doing something healthier. The problem is me and I need to be changed. (((hugs))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Chinup do you have a sponsor? My sponsor is helping me to stay clear from dating until I am totally done doing my step work and building myself back up, so that I can get into dating knowing what and how I will be treated. I love how she described it all and am fully on board with her idea. I get lonesome yeah, but my HP can handle that too for now. I am sending you strength and support!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie that is almost genius: When he sneers at me like that, I feel awful. That is not good. I don't want to spend the next umpteen years feeling awful. This is not the guy for me. we should teach our daughters that in high school! I may even make a poster out of it and put it on my fridge - thanks!

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