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I have no idea what posessed me this afternoon/this evening
I have identified lately, that whenever I start to feel a bit of calmness, I go and do something to stir the pot??? I don't realise it until afterwards. I feel calm enough to have a calm discussion, so I do... it never is though!!! Well sometimes it is.
I had read some great stuff today (Wednesday for me) and I was doing a bit of pondering. I thought to myself, you know what, I don't even have the urge to look at his pot drawer.. nice one...
He was already home when I got home so.. all good. My first thought, I bet he has had a smoke. Autonomic thinking hasn't changed yet
Cutting a long story short (yeah right.. as if) I asked what he smoked this morning and he said he hadn't. Ok. He said he wanted one now though but he hadnt... yet.
I talked to him a bit about him increasing his smoking so much lately, it is becoming more and more habitual. He didn't really say much about that. I chatted a bit more about my thoughts on the subject. He didn't agree or disagree with me.
We went for a nice spa. toward the end of which I brought up a conversation we had about ten days ago.. a compromise discussion. It was one we had not long after I started coming to this board. He pretended to not know what I was talking about and couldn't remember what I had said. Bulldung I said (or words to that effect). He then remembered.
The essence of the very calm conversation initially was that he was not willing to compromise with me at all. He was not willing to promise me anything at all except that he will smoke when he wants to if he wants one and he doesn't see anything wrong with it.. and he honestly doesn't. He kept repeating that he doesn't know what to offer as a compromise. I repeated several times the compromise I have asked for over the past 12 months.... I say again, I say again, I say again... hhhheeeeellllloooooo who is the Fn nutter here?????
I started to get frustrated then and I could feel myself getting hurt. which was manifesting into anger. We had a bit of a fight, but stopped it before it went toooo far.
we ceased the conversation and I got out of the spa. It was tense for a time. I calmed down pretty quickly and said to myself.. well, if I ever needed that one more bit of confirmation.. there it is gentlemen..... hello wall.. this is my head!!!
I have married a drug addict and he flatly denies it. My heart wants to keep on denying it
He has fulfilled every possible criteria. Initially I was about to walk upstairs and pack my bags and go. I thought I had better calm down and think rationally first.
You know what.. I did this tonight... I started this.. I must have needed to hear that final confirmation. He honestly said things that I just could not believe I was hearing. Nothing intentionally harmful, just the words of a drug addict coming out of my wonderful husbands mouth.... so sad.
You know what also.. he did not lie to me. He told me he COULD NOT compromise, he COULD NOT keep any promises he made to me. he WILL smoke even though he knows it gives me the shits and that is my problem
I couldnt really argue with that now could I He was right.
So I sat and I pondered.
hmmmmmm... where to now then....... I decided that I had asked too much of this little addict. I decided to apologise to my husband. I sat him down and said that I was sorry for asking him to do something he is not capable of doing. I should not have put unrealistic expectations on him. I told him how much I HATE having the pot in our house every day and it being in our lives every day (there was a few F words thrown in there). BUT, it was his decision to smoke or not.
That meant however that I too have rights. " If you think it is ok to have a smoke while watching a movie because that is what you want to do, it is equally within my right to NOT want to sit and watch a movie with you stoned and go and do what I WANT to do"
I have done that often in the past year.... just walked out and totally ignored him. It has always led to an argument of sorts.
He siad, but you make me feel guilty about having a smoke and its just cos its what I want to do.
I said that ok, but its not what I WANT to do, so I will do something else. I have the right to ask you not to have a smoke and just BE WITH ME, if you decide you would rather have a smoke than be with me, then I have the choice to be somewhere else. Go out, read a book, play on the computer, whatever.... I do NOT have to stay around you.
I didn't add.. I don't have to stay around you to appease your sense of guilt but that is what I said in my head. I mentioned i don't want the pot to break us up and he agreed but we also agreed that we both had come dangerously close to it on several occassions and if anything breaks us up.. it will be the pot, but he won't stop doing it. He does not see the connection..
Some days I may not mind (not many that I can see), but on the days I don't want to be around it, then I will leave you to do your own thing in peace.
He said.. yeah that sounds fair enough.
I also told him I wanted to go to ACoA meetings but not able to right now, he agreed, but I did make a lunch date with the lady that runs them for next Monday.
so I guess I made a big boo boo tonight, I feel like I have addressed it, and I feel like I have asserted my rights and voiced them without feeling like I am not worthy to have my voice heard.
This is still only just the very beginning. I can't say I feel happy about it yet. i still feel a bit angry/hurt/sad.
Lets see what happens next. Do you guys think I have tried to put elements of the program stuff into place or am i stil being passive aggressive????????
Good recovery work is what I would call it Linda.....kudos to you. You made amends, you said what you meant, meant what you said and didn't say it mean.
Addicts will always defend their drug of choice, it's number one in all their affairs. They work their life to suit their addiction....making sure it can be embraced first and foremost, always planning where it will fit in.....their first love if you like. They are comfortably anesthetised & choose to invalidate the effects on others with their denial.
That's their choice....and we also have choices....... as you put it across very succinctly to your H.
I have a recovering Arelative (12yrs sober now in AA) and I've heard him say how he would plan and manipulate his day to feed his habit, it was a constant obsession. Everything/everyone else was pushed aside until the need was fulfilled. Gradually the need was everything and he had nothing/nobody else.
I see the same with my own son, he wants to drink and nothing will stop him when the obsession is in control.
They don't call the disease cunning, baffling and powerful for nothing.
Glad you are reaching out to others (good phonecall).....works if we work it. Damn hard at times, but it does get better, day at a time and sure beats the alternative.
Yes, Dear, you did o.k. (LOL). Actually, you are doing more than o.k. I know how hard each tinsy step is for you right now. I think planning to go to ACoa is a rather giant step, really. I can't think of a healtheir thing for you to do at this juncture. (I know your scheduling difficulties in your town).
You must have great strength of survival to still be standing from all that you have been through in your life. Those are the strenght and skills that will help carry you on your journey of recovery. From the WIZARD OF OZ: "It was there the whole time, my dear" (paraphrazed).
Your past doesn't have to be your future. Just keep on doing what you are doing ODAT!!
In this scenario, think you are working on acceptance for what is and you are setting boundaries that feel good for you. This sounds like good work!
It's uncanny how our wills will negate the reality that is in front of us. We keep trying to make it different than what it is. That and our emotional reactivity is our illness.
I can relate to your opening comment about stirring the pot. I mentioned that I felt "calm but dull" at a meeting the other night. My sponsor said "we have a saying. Don't worry, this too will pass!" It was a little humerous but I got that it meant that when we're in a relationship things can change on a dime, either because of the addict's behavior or because of our need to change things, even when we're calm!
Keep up the good work. I think grieving the loss of what we thought we had and what we thought we wanted is a big part of all this. "Feeling our feelings... but also moving toward the fact." I love how Alanon encourages us to keep sharpening our blade even when we think we're pretty darn smart!
Something I am learning about right now is that we have to learn acceptance. Accept life on life's terms. And we have to live in the now. Right now is all we have. We don't have yesterday and we don't have tomorrow. We have to be present in this tiny pin point of reality. Right now is all we can do. Take it one moment at a time. Setting boundaries is great, they are for you, to feel protected. Good for you! Meetings are important. I hear you on that. I hope you can get to some. Doing it alone is not fun. I have tried. Pod casts work great too. Hearing the way people got themselves better is awesome. Keep coming. Take care
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I'm still feeling like I am somehow down trodden, but I guess I am being downtrodden by his addiction, not him. I have to see my husband in there somewhere and the body snatchers have got him. I hope he comes back one day... if he doesn't.. then I will either have to love the new and not improved him, or look for greener pastutres, but only once I have learned to learned how to use the nozzle on the weed control spray.
