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It has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning. I am stopping the ride and getting off for good.
I have been in a relationship with my AB for just over 4 years now. I have begged, pleaded, tried to bribe, etc... for him to go to AA. He doesn't have a problem, I do! I deserve to be happy. I am not and I haven't been.
Tonight, I was at home reading my "codependent no more" book. I had not heard from my AB after 5. Of course, he is off work and after a stressful day he relieves his stress. I will hear from him all day, but after 5, visiting hours are over, and it is his time to unwind at the bar. Anyway, He had told me that he was going to change his life style. I decided to go out for the hunt to find him. Mistake number 1. I knew he was in the bar and I knew he would be drinking. I found his business truck at his typical Tuesday night bar. He pulled out and since he had been there for 5 hours, I wanted to make sure he did get home safely. So, I headed in the same direction. I prayed to my HP, that he would be caught this time. That a police officer would pull him over and write him a ticket and take him to jail. Maybe that would get his attention. I prayed, just let him get into an accident, but I pray no one gets hurt. Lord PLEASE, I can't do this anymore. I can't help him on my own. He needs you! I need you!
He pulled up to a stop light and over estimated the distance of the intersection, I am behind him and he doesn't even know it. He realizes how far out into the intersection he was and he puts his druck in reverse and hits the accellerator hard. I see his reverse light come on and throw my car into reverse but he plows into the front end of my car. He gets out stumbling drunk, knocks on my window asked if I am ok, saw it was me, got in his truck and left the scene of the accident.
Okay Lord, this is not what I asked for! Are you kidding me? I call the police... Police find him at his home. He was cited for leaving the scene of an accident. No DUI, no going to jail, just cited a ticket. Now he has a careless driving and a hit and run on his record.
I went to the hospital for neck pain and headache... I am fine on the outside and feel stronger on the inside for now anyway. My car will need some repairs.
Seriously... I admit, I am co dependent. I have been sucked into his addiction and have become an addict myself. I have a need to make sure he is ok. That he doesnt hurt anyone, that he makes it home safely. Why??? So I can sleep at night and not worry. That is insane!!! I am as sick as he is. I set myself up so he hurts me!
I received a text message from him after his visit with the police. He said, " Its all sad never call me again enjoy life"
Dont worry, honey. I won't be calling!
I am praying I do not feel guilty tomorrow. I know now, God hears me loud and clear. Just look at my car :o(
Hugs daisy,
Regardless if you were to stay with him or not, please goto an alanon meeting it's the best thing you can do for yourself is to heal yourself. You are right you are just as sick as he is. I kick myself now, well no I don't still, one of my low points was calling my A's drinking friends begging them to send him home. I came to a realization something had to change and what I was doing wasn't working. It still took me another 9 months to get myself to a meeting. I can say with confidence that I would still go even if my A and I weren't together. It's the right place for me.
I love the book co dependent no more. Great read, I encourage you to do the exercises as well.
Please keep coming back, the 3 c's you didn't cause thee addiction you can't control it and you won't cure it.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear daisygirl, you must be still quaking from this episode!
I seems to me that you are seeing the relationship for what it is. Don't worry, he hasn't "gotten away" with anything when it is all said and done.
Because I care about you, I want to give you a word of caution (drawn from my own painful experience). Right now, your feathers are still up and you have anger (justifiable) on your side---it will carry your intentions....for a while. BUT, selective recall will most certainly creep in eventually.....then comes the false guilt, and the fond memories of anything positive he ever did, and the sadness over the loss of the "dreams" you had for the relationship, and on..and on....and on...
Very Quickly, run to the closest Alanon meeting. Order some literature--and read everything you can on co-dependency. Make a list of the worst lows of the relationship on a 3 x 5 card and keep it in your bra (to be read when you start to second-guess yourself), and Keep posting here.
I am not going to label you "sick"--I just don't like negative self-labeling. I think it is more beneficial to look at our strengths when we are beaten down---and opeeerate from there.
I think you do have strengths already, and that you need to seize this opportunity to give yourself the gift of self-examination and self-love.
Meetings are whats in order :) I hope you can make it to one today, get phone numbers and ask questions after the meeting. Support and love is there for you. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am sending you courage and strength Daisygirl! I hope you are able to find a meeting and a sponsor, that is what got me through the worst misery of my life.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
