The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i do need some esh here cause i dont know whats healthy behavior is,ive just invited a handicapped guy to my home to stay for a week that ive been talking to on the internet on a dateing site ,ive never known what healthy is in my whole intire life when it comes to relationships all ive really learned is to stay away from alcoholics and addicts which this guy is not neither.i havent had a male freind in a long while cause i dont really know what healthy is ,not too many guys will be my freind for long,i dont know y.this one just clung right on,and i dont and then i do cause he is trying to live life to its fullest before he cannot drive anymore cause he has got severe neuropathy,which is his losing all his feelings in his body at one point or nother and its in his feet going up his legs now but can still drive for now,ive never met this person before in my life he has 2 labs that he has paid lots of money forto be trained to walk beside him,i just fall right into it ,i feel like this is distorted behavior in me having a total stranger drive 5 hrs to stay a week with me.i grew up in a very alcoholic home ,i was always sooo shy to scared to come out of the darkness.never been in a healthy relationship any just fell into them that were sooo unhealthy.my alanon freinds plz give me all yur esh u can give before i allow this to happen........hugs chinup...sorry ive been so absent from here but my comp has been on the blink as to everything got turned around on here,lol
Starting to wake up from our former dysfunctional habits is quite an awakening, isn't it?
What I was told about new relationships was that the mantra was "Go slow." This was news to me because I was always one of those people who was planning the retirement home on the second date. The therapist of a friend of mine actually gave her specific recommendations: don't sleep with a new person for at least a month, don't start to make decisions about how long-term it will be for at least six months, don't move in together until at least a year. That may sound rigid but my friend appreciated it because she was also one of the people who tended to jump in feet first, and she didn't really have any guidelines for slowing down.
The problem I think is that we decide we're "with" someone without really knowing them. Where other people might bring a picnic basket to a second date, we're bringing a U-Haul. And if the other person is up for that, I'm afraid it probably means they're just as dysfunctional as we are! Not a good sign, LOL!
I think one reason I always used to get so hasty was that I thought that I'd better tie them to me before they had good sense and high-tailed it away. Boy, that doesn't seem like reasonable thinking now. Also I was so needy that I had a hard time just jumping in to get the attention. It's hard to have healthy thinking when you're so needy. The trouble is that jumping in ends badly and then you're needier. Been There Done That.
Awareness is the first step, right? That's what we're all going for. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
For me, learning healthy behavior is a process. I have become painfully aware of how starved I had become for attention and company and how that affects my judgement.
By giving all my relationships more time, I am finding I become more centered. It takes a lot of practice, but there are so many opportunities! I give myself more time to respond when I am unclear or wish to express myself in a more loving manner; I give myself more time to get to know people I've just met; I give myself more time when dating- I can "narrow my eyes" instead of being so openly doe-eyed and developing expectations. Much easier said than done, but I only have to do this one day at a time. I now have healthier friends that support my efforts to 'enjoy' the dating process.
Mattie is right, awareness is the 1st step. and all of this is so true, always ready to jump in to play the super hero and rescuer. My sponsor said the same thing to me do not sleep in on the first date, know the guy first, give it sometime....its hard to change bad habits!
This is awesome news Chinup and all the best in your recovery.
Chinup, I was told not to give my address and phone # to contacts I meet on live until I've gotten to know them, after meeting with them f/f a few times. It sound like you are getting healthy and learning how and wanting to take good care of yourself. Take care, you deserve a healthy person in a healthy relationship. Sincerely! Ruby!
Hi Chinup - what thought comes to me right now is how much I stopped being ME just to try to make my A happy. It took me years to find myself, get self-confidence, start to really be the person I think lurks in my soul - so many things in life work to keep our real self down - and I had done a lot to solidify who I really was. Then I married HIM and within a year I couldn't find me anymore because I was too busy trying to please HIM. I Lost ME!
Now, well, I'm dedicated to regaining the me that is probably sitting in a dark corner somewhere sulking - I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm behaving like myself again. I certainly feel more like ME than I have in the last three years. The thing I know now (oh that hindsight is a wonderful awful thing isn't it?) is the me that I was is the me that I want to be and - more importantly, ANY guy that comes along better like her because she is who I want to be - and he'll be DERNED lucky to have me should I deem him worthy of my attentions.
I have to #1 - BE ME and be happy being me, not always be looking to hook my wagon to someone else's star; #2 - solidify within me that - should God plan it, I will live the rest of my life alone and be happy, then so be it, I will no longer desperately search for someone else to complete me, God made me that way from the beginning - whole and complete; #3 - should someone arrive in my life that wants to be a part of my life in that way, there is all the time in the world to discover if he fits me and my life. Cheers!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
