The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up around people with no boundaries. My parents couldn't say "boo" to their relatives. Our uncles, cousins, neighbors came and stayed whenever they felt like it. One of my cousins friends came and lived with my mother for 2 years, rentfree, she fed him too.
I resented the enmeshment, I resented the gossip, I resented the blurred lines.
I grew up and naturally felt comfortable, at home around people who had blurred lines. By the time I left the ex A he had his friends staying for nothing. One of them even asked to live rent free and to be fed for a year! The ex A put it on me to say "no". He couldn't say it. How he loved to dump it off on me to be the "baddie"......
Then he'd rage for ever and ever about others who had not come through for him in the blurred lines of friends, co workers, family and boss. There was no clarity and of course for me it was so so familar all I have ever known and all I have ever over reacted to.
Now I live around people with similar blurred boundaries. No lines in the ground around time and common areas. Resentment, gossip, blurred boundaries of who is friend, family, neighbor, enemy and more. In fact the enemies are probably treated the best. Lots of confusion, lots of rage, lots of secrets because of course nothing is direct. Direct is "I hate your guts rather than you can't cross that line or "your bitch" rather than you are out of line..."
I feel such sadness that I had no boundaries most of my life. Staying over my welcome not knowing when to go home when I went to see people..not knowing, not having a clue at all..... One of my friends once mentioned that to me years ago...quick calmy and clearly. He was so kind. I had no idea what he meant until these days. I had no one to guide me, no one to show me and just a total familiarity with living in deep deep chaos.
Trying not to get sucked into the quagmire of rescue, over extend, over do, over play, over give, over take, control is such a hard hard road. Not doing it is harder. there are choices and they are clearer choices and the repercussions of not making those choices are really apparent.
I hear ya on the difficulties of boundaries. I think so many of us grew up without healthy boundaries and so had a hard time learning what they are and how to apply them. And during that time, unhealthy boundaries maybe made us feel defective, doubtful of ourselves, helpless, overly responsible, etc. Maybe growing up without boundaries put us out of touch with our own feelings so that we didn't even realize if we were hurt by something, afraid, or why.
As an adult, I've found that starting to practice setting boundaries has been VERY difficult. As I first got started, I think I was overly harsh and direct with some people, but it was the best I could do at the time. I didn't know yet how to set boundaries the most diplomatic or kind way, I just knew I needed some people outta my business and outta my mental space! Plus, it can be SO hard to say no! Even otherwise healthy people seem to have a very hard time with conflict and saying no, communicating respectfully and honestly despite a disagreement.
There's a sense of frustration and sadness - a little self pity - why me? Why does this have to be so hard for me? :P But I quickly have to get over that, accept life as it is and go forward doing the best I can. I just keep pushing myself to evaluate how I"m feeling and why and when I'm hurting, to see if there's something I can or should do about it. Kind of like a hot stove. The pain is there to tell me to move my hand!
I've been looking around my life at my relationships with my family, my exBF, friends, coworkers, roommate, etc. and looking at how I feel and how people interact with me and starting to stick up for myself, starting to figure out what I need and how I feel, and then working on how to get my needs met while still communicating those boundaries as kind, honest and respectful as I can. People don't always receive the news well - especially those people who have gotten used to using me - but I'm doing this for me and I am feeling more free and in charge of my own happiness than ever before!
It sounds like you've got a lot of complications and struggle in your life right now. Hang in there!
Can I just say... me too? Yes, I have lived in chaos all my life as well and now my tolerance is so high... but with this program I too am learning boundaries... Thanks for your share!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Boundaries are a hard one. I know having none around the ex A drew me down to a place where I never want to go again. That alone is a great motivator to take sustantial action.
